Charlton Heston

A Modest Proposal

A herd of whales go racing past

I propose a new unit of measurement. The Heston – which is used to measure the density of amphibians.

One Heston equals 100,000 amphibians per square mile (or 38,610.21586 amphibians per square kilometre). Examples of declination follow…

1 Megaheston= 1,000,000,000 amphibians per square mile
1 Kiloheston = 100,000,000 amphibians per square mile
1 Hectoheston = 10,000,000 amphibians per square mile
1 Decaheston = 1,000,000 amphibians per square mile
1 Heston = 100,000 amphibians per square mile
1 Deciheston = 10,000 amphibians per square mile
1 Centiheston = 1,000 amphibians per square mile
1 Milliheston = 100 amphibians per square mile
1 Microheston = 10 amphibians per square mile
1 Nanoheston = 1 amphibian per square mile

It cannot be denied that this unit would be of great use to the world of science, and I expect the International Committee for Weights and Measures to adopt it immediately, and shall wait patiently for my Nobel Prize for suggesting it.

The recipe for egg fried lice

And here are the lyrics to yesterday’s discovery…

Stump – Charlton Heston

The pyramids were in construction,
The Pharaoh glowed with satisfaction,
But then to his immense surprise,
His empire fell before his eyes,
A hundred thousand busy slaves,
Downed their tools and stood and stared,

The Red Sea walls stood like a canyon,
The Pharaoh pulled up in his wagon,
And saw within those walls of glass,
A herd of whales go racing past,
A hundred thousand fishy tales,
Crossed his mind about the day…

…that Charlton Heston put his vest on,

The broken tablets had been mended,
The golden calf had been up-ended,
And old folk sittin’ ’round the fire,
Would talk of voices from the sky,
Babies sailing down the Nile,
The recipe for locust pie,
A hundred thousand frogs per mile,
We’d always ask them to describe…

…how Charlton Heston put his vest on,

Thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal,
Shalt not commit adultery,
Boils the size of 50p,
Lights! Camel! Action!
Bushes that refuse to burn,
See these sandals hardly worn,
Raining blood, raining bread,
The night we painted Egypt red,
Thou shalt not covet, shalt not lie,
Thou shalt not bonk your neighbour’s wife,
The recipe for egg fried lice,
A hundred ways to kill a fly,
Love your daddy, love your mummy,
Put your bread in milk and honey,
Loved his fish, he did, he did,
Never beat the wife and kids,
Slouch though desert, slouch through sand,
Until we reach the promised land,
Thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal,
Shalt not commit adultery,
Boils the size of 50p,
Lights! Camel! Action!
Bushes that refuse to burn,
See these sandals hardly worn,
Raining blood and raining bread,
The night we painted Egypt red,
Thou shalt not covet, shalt not lie,
Thou shalt not bonk your neighbour’s wife,
The recipe for egg fried lice,
Lights! Camel! Action!
Lights! Camel! Action!

Charlton Heston put his vest on,
Charlton Heston put his vest on,
Charlton Heston put his vest on,
Charlton Heston put his vest on,
Charlton Heston put his vest on…

Lights! Camel! Action!

I like the bit about the whales.

I was thinking today (as one does) of the band Stump and their wonderful (and previously featured on this blog) song Buffalo, when it occurred to me that I’d never actually bothered to look up anything else they’d recorded. A bizarre situation that I had to address immediately!

So I did, and was rewarded with Charlton Heston.

Quirky, weird, Hollywood-biblical and catchy as hell, and that’s why it’s my pick of the week!

Enjoy!

By the way – 100,000 frogs per mile works out to one frog per 1.6 centimetres, which seems a tad crowded. Unless they mean 100,000 frogs per square mile, which works out to a measly one frog per 25.89 square metres. Across the whole of modern Egypt this would total 38,666,200,700 frogs.

Just in case you were wondering.