Territoriality

Can you name all the external territories? I can! 😛

I did it again. The pun about territorial claims in Antarctica being ‘frozen’ by the Antarctic Treaty of 1961 was just too good to ignore.

I get a horrible feeling I’m going to end up designing characters for every state and territory. Well, apart from New South Wales, obviously.

Review of QI Live and other such things coming up over the CHOGM Long Weekend.

Postcards from the Edge

The past is a foreign country. They wear funny hats and eat all kinds’a weird crap there.

I give you Perth – 1954 style!

Pros – Decent public transport, lots of beautiful buildings, plentiful rain and a boundless sense of optimism.

Cons – Did you see a single non-Anglo-Saxon in that video? Because I sure didn’t…

Being Australian: A Response

*Sigh*

There’s an email doing the rounds recently on the subject of “Being Australian”. After reading it I really thought I should pen a response…

I Am the political Parties Worst Nightmare.
I am a White, Conservative, Tax-Paying, God fearing Australian ……
I am a hard working Australian and l work long hours to earn a living.
I believe in God and the freedom of religion, but I don’t push it on others…

I am the political Parties’ Worst Nightmare (and I know how to do plurals properly).
I am a tax-paying Australian and don’t give a damn about the colour of anyone’s skin or their religion, let alone my own.
I am a hard working Australian and I work long hours to earn a living.
I believe in freedom of religion, and refuse to judge anyone based on their religion or lack thereof.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and not some bloody governmental functionary, Labor/Greens or Liberal, that wants to share it with others who don’t work!
I’m in touch with my feelings and I like it that way!
I think owning a home doesn’t make you a capitalist; it makes you a smart Australian

I believe the money I make belongs to me, minus the taxes necessary to keep the nation running and maintain the society I benefit from, which includes reasonable help for those less fortunate than I.
I think owning a home is sensible if you can afford it, and that people who get their hackles up about words like ‘Capitalist’ are living in the last century.

I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimised, and does not entitle you to anything. Get over it!

I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimised, unless you are actually being victimised, and that those who are being victimised deserve assistance.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac or any other item, you should do it in English.

I believe that people who get upset about the language skills of people working god-awful hours on minimum wages need to have a hard look at their priorities. As does anyone who thinks a Big Mac is somehow representative of Australian values.

I believe there should be no other language option.
I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.

I believe that people with poor language skills should be offered opportunities to improve them, and a reasonable amount of assistance until they do.
I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to, so long as it’s not disruptive to others.

My heroes are, Fellow Australians, Sir John Monash, Don Bradman, Slim Dusty, and Angoves, who invented the wine cask.

I don’t bother with heroes, but if I did I would choose them from the entire scope of human history, unlimited by nation, race or creed.

I don’t hate the rich, but hate the way they are always finding ways to pay less taxes
I don’t pity the poor ,I hate the way they always crying that they are hard done by!!

I don’t hate the rich, but I hate the ways they find ways to pay less taxes.
I don’t pity the poor – I think they should be offered the assistance they need to get up on their feet, in the best Australian traditions of giving a mate a hand.

I know wrestling is fake and I don’t waste my time watching or arguing about it.

I think (that along with Big Macs) any mention of wrestling is a clear sign that this email was written by an American about America and has been edited by some unimaginative would-be Aussie Teabagger with an axe to grind.

I haven’t burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks, and neither have you!

I haven’t burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks, and have no idea what this has to do with anything.

I believe if you don’t like the way things are here, go back to where you came from and change your own country!

I believe if you don’t like the way things are here you should get involved in the political process and try and change them.

This is AUSTRALIA …..We like it the way it is and more so the way it was ….so stop trying to change it to look like Britain , USA , Russia or China , or some socialist country!

This is Australia. Some people like it, some people don’t, and that’s the nature of democracy. I think that anyone who calls countries they don’t like “Socialist” is either stuck in 1952, or is an American, or is both.

If you were born or legally migrated here and don’t like it… you are free to move to any Socialist country that will have you.  (and take Julie Gillard, her dick head group and the Greens with you.)

If you were born here, legally migrated here or were allowed here under internationally agreed treaties concerning refugees and asylum seekers, and don’t like it, you are free to participate in our democracy and try to change things to your liking. But accept the other half of the deal, which is that you may not find any support.

I believe that repeated references to Socialism are the sign of a weak mind.

I believe it is time to really clean house, starting with the Lodge, the seat of our biggest problems.

I believe that the previous line originally read “the White House” rather than “the Lodge”, and that the time to “clean house” is the next Federal Election.

I want to know exactly, where the “Do Gooder’s ” get their money from, and why are they always part of the problem and not the solution?

Can I get an AMEN on that one?

I want to know exactly how calling people you diagree with “Do Gooders” is a solution to anything.

I also want to know why “Do Gooders” requires an apostrophe (can I get an Amen on that?)

I also think the cops have the right to pull you over if you’re breaking the law, regardless of what race, colour or creed you are, but not just because you happen to be an illegal alien and scream that they are “RACISTS PIGS”

I think that the cops have the right to pull you over if you’re breaking the law, regardless of what race, colour or creed you are. If they pull you over BECAUSE of what race, colour or creed you are then that’s another story.

And, no, I don’t mind having my face shown on my driver’s license. I think it’s good….

Everyone should be equal before the law, and as such everyone should have their face shown on their driver’s license. That’s a given

I hope you are not too stupid to claim to know how our electoral ballot system works, the Politician’s don’t’,so what hope have we??

I do know how the electoral system is meant to work – the Australian one is actually not that difficult. Do you understand how apostrophes are meant to work?

I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me stuff or trying to guilt me into making ‘donations’ to their cause….  Get a job and do your part to support yourself and your family!

I dislike people standing in intersections trying to sell me stuff or trying to guilt me into making donations to their cause, but at least they’ve gone out and got a job to support themselves and their families.

I believe that it doesn’t take all the intellectuals to raise a child, it takes two parents….

I believe that as long as a child has a stable, supportive home environment they’ll turn out pretty much alright – regardless of who their parents or guardians are, and how many or how few of them there are.

I believe ‘illegal’ is illegal no matter what the lawyers think!

I believe ‘illegal’ is illegal no matter what the lawyers think – but that just because something is illegal doesn’t necessarily make it wrong, and just because something is legal doesn’t necessarily make it right.

I believe the Australian flag should be the only one allowed to be flown in Australia !

I believe that the Australian flag is to be respected, but that banning the flying of other flags sounds like something out of the Nuremberg Laws.

If this makes me a BAD Australian, then yes, I’m a BAD Australian
If you are a BAD Australian too, please forward this to everyone you know…..

If this makes me a BAD Australian, then yes I’m a BAD Australian. I don’t think I am, although your opinion may differ.

We want our country back! My Country…..

I’d want my country back, if I thought I’d ever actually lost it.

I hope this offends all illegal aliens.

I hope this doesn’t offend anyone.

My great, great, great grandfather watched as his friends died in the Boer War.
My grandfather watched and bled as his friends died in the  the World Wars 1&2
My grandfather watched as his friends & brothers died in the Depression of 32.
My father watched as his friends died in Korea
I watched as my generation died in Vietnam .
Our son’s and daughters watched & bled as their friends died in Afghanistan and Iraq .. None of them died for the Afghanistan and Iraq Flag.  Every Australian died for the Australian flag

I recognise and am grateful for the sacrifices of those who’ve served our country in times of war, but don’t think that having relatives who’ve done so makes you any more or less of an Australian.

Our young men are getting killed in Afghanistan whilst their young men run away, and get on a boat for Australia , taking the place of genuine refugees!

I think that anyone who flees from war and persecution is a genuine refugee.

At a Victorian high school foreign students raised a  Middle East flag on a school flag pole, Australian students took it down. Guess who was expelled…the students who took it down.

I think that unsourced, unreferenced, third-or-more-hand stories about “foreign” students and “Middle East” flags have no place in a rational debate. Let’s establish the facts before basing claims on them.

Enough is enough

I’m thinking exactly the same thing.

This message needs to be viewed by every Australian; and every Australian needs to stand up for Australia .

My message is freely available for any Australian who wants to read it. Then they can stand up, sit down, or do whatever they feel like.

We’ve bent over to appease the Aussie-haters long enough. I’m taking a stand.

Bear in mind that “Aussie-haters” can mean “those who hate Australia” and “Australians who hate”.

I’m standing up because the hundreds of thousands who died fighting in wars for this country, and for the Australian flag.

Because the hundreds of thousands who died fighting in wars for this country what? Couldn’t compose a proper English sentence?

If you agree, stand up with me. If you disagree, please let me know.  I will gladly remove you from my e-mail list.

If you agree, stand up with me. If you disagree, that’s cool – we call that democracy.

And shame on anyone who tries to make this a racist message.

Oh I would never make this a racist message.

AUSTRALIANS, stop giving away Your RIGHTS !

We live in a free, stable, first world nation, and despite what talk back radio hosts want you to think, our rights are not under any kind of serious threat.

Let me make this clear! THIS IS OUR COUNTRY !

…For those who come across the seas we’ve boundless plains to share…

This statement DOES NOT mean I’m against immigration !
YOU ARE WELCOME HERE, IN MY COUNTRY, welcome to come legally:
1. Get  a sponsor !
2. Learn the LANGUAGE, as immigrants have in the past !
3. Live by OUR rules ! Dress as we ,Australians Do
4. Get a job !
5. Pay YOUR Taxes !
6. No Social Security until you have earned it and Paid for it !
7. NOW find a place to lay your head !

Immigrants and Asylum Seekers are welcome in my Australia, as long as they abide by our laws and pay back any assistance we offer once they’re on their feet. And yes, being a good, hard working, contributing citizen counts as paying back.

And “Social Security”? At least try and hide your plagiarism!

If you don’t want to forward this for fear of offending someone, then YOU’RE  PART OF THE PROBLEM !

If you don’t want to forward this for fear of offending someone, THEN THAT’S YOUR RIGHT!

We’ve gone so far the other way .. . .  bent over backwards not to offend anyone.

You mean being polite?

Only AUSTRALIANS seems to care when Australian Citizens are being offended !

I suspect that your definition of “Australians” is rather different to mine…

WAKE UP  AUSTRALIA ! ! !

HAVE A BEER AUSTRALIA ! ! !

If you do not Pass this on, may your fingers cramp !

If you do not pass this on, have a nice day!

Made in AUSTRALIA & DAMN PROUD OF IT!!!!!

Made in Australia, and not feeling it necessary to capitalise the fact.

It’s a Bloody Outrage!

I’d have called it a Chuzwozza!

I am, by default, a Monarchist.

What I mean by this is that I’m not a Republican. I’ve never really seen the point in Australia going through all the hassle and expense of dumping the monarchy when they don’t cost us that much, and don’t really do anything to us. I mean, sure, the Queen could mess with our laws and such, but she’s far too smart, and hence doesn’t. I can vaguely appreciate the points made about our head of state being a foreigner, but then issues of nationality and patriotism and such have always seemed slightly suspicious to me – I’ve always instinctively felt that patriotism is but one step from nationalism, and nationalism one step from fascism. Put me down with H.G.Wells – my true nationality is mankind.

So I’m a de-facto Monarchist.

Which is not to say I have any great affection for the Windsors. If the majority of Australians want to kick them to the curb and have a Republic, I have no objections whatsoever. That’s democracy. And it’s going to happen, probably within the next 20 years when all the die hard Monarchists (ie: the Elderly) die off and the die hard Republicans (ie: the Young) take over. It’s inevitable, and is known as progress. On the day the papers are signed and the Australian Monarchy abolished – well I won’t be out there in the crowd cheering, but neither will I be in the crowd booing and hissing. I’ll just be watching the whole hoo-haa on TV, thinking “what a waste of time”, and probably eating a sandwich.

So, my reaction to the Royal Wedding has mostly been one of wishing they’d just get it over with so the TV schedule can get back to normal. Or at least that was the case until the Chaser scandal.

The story in a nutshell. The Australian national broadcaster – the ABC – has purchased two live feeds of the wedding from the BBC. One with commentary by some BBC bigwig, the other without commentary. The commentated feed will be shown on ABC 1, while the uncommentated feed was going to be shown on ABC 2 with local commentary by comedy troupe the Chaser. Was is the operative word as as soon as Clarence House heard about it they whipped off a communiqué to the ABC saying that if the Chaser broadcast wasn’t cancelled, then both feeds would be cut, and the ABC wouldn’t get to show the wedding at all.

This violates what I consider to be one of the most important functions of the Australian Monarchy – leaving us alone to do our own thing. If the monarchy is suddenly going to start interfering in Australian domestic affairs and – even worse – inflicting censorship, then as far as I’m concerned they can go do physically implausible things to themselves. Mocking our (supposed) social superiors is part of the Australian identity, and if the monarchy isn’t willing to go along with that then they no longer represent who we are as a people, and are as redundant as the most rabid Republican claims they are.

So, basically, what I want to say is Queen Elizabeth, if this kind of thing continues you’ve lost my vote!

Strip!

Simple Green and Simple Green! What is Simple Green?!

Among the models that I’ve been buying off eBay for my Valhallans was a rather interesting plastic one that came as part of a job lot. I can’t tell exactly what it’s meant to be, but it looks like a bald guy with cables coming out the back of his head, wielding what appears to be a plasma gun. There’s a large aquilla on his chest and he’s carrying some kind of ammo or power box.

Any further attempt at identification has been hampered by a bad repainting job – rather than strip off the previous paint a new coat of black primer has been sprayed over the top, rendering all detail lumpy and indistinct. There’s no way I was going to let this stand, so I did some research into paint stripping on plastic models.

Stripping paint off metal models is no problem – I’ve been using nail polish remover (acetone) for that with great success. Plastics are another matter entirely however, as any chemical strong enough to melt paint will usually melt plastics as well, so one needs to be very careful and run some tests. Or go to the internet which is of course what I did.

Searching for stripping info online was (as is normally the case) both enlightening and frustrating in equal parts. It appears that the gold standard for stripping plastics is a mysterious product called “simple green”. Americans seem to swear by it, and then refuse to listen when people point out that they don’t live in the States and therefore can’t obtain it…

Non-American: What can I use to strip plastics?
American: Use Simple Green! It’s awesome!
Non-American: What the hell is Simple Green?
American: It’s the best thing ever! Use Simple Green!
Non-American: I can’t get Simple Green where I live, what else can I use?
American: Simple Green! You can get it at your local Walmart!
Non-American: I live in [Country], is there something else I can use?
American: I don’t understand why you don’t just use Simple Green!
Non-American: I can’t get Simple Green!!
America: Simple Green!

…and so on.

Second rank suggestions include a variety of unpleasant substances such as turpentine, methylated spirits, oven cleaner and acne cream – all with provisos that they might melt the plastic anyway, so you should just be sensible and use Simple Green. But there was one suggestion that caught my eye – Dettol. I have some Dettol, so I thought I’d give it a crack.

Two days of soaking bits of sprue in Dettol resulted in no melting or other damage, so it passed the first hurdle. That tested I felt confident enough to dump the model in the stuff, so left it in overnight.

So the results – Dettol does in fact melt paint without damaging the underlying plastic. Hooray!

The downside – Dettol turns the paint into a highly adhesive, sticky mush, kind of like what you’d get if you mixed shoe polish and superglue. It sticks like crazy to the model, and to your hands, and to anything else you touch while frantically trying to get if off said hands. My bathroom taps now look like I’ve been enthusiastically smearing them with Kiwi, and my fingernails look like Marilyn Manson’s. It seems that the only way to shift this shoggoth-like material is with more Dettol, so my bathroom and hands now smell like the intensive care ward down at the hospital. But at least the paint is coming off!

I’ve left the model in to soak again while I’m at work. Maybe tonight I’ll be able to finish the job without ending up looking like a Hey Hey it’s Saturday sketch.

Lagerphone Fever

Sports. Bah.

So, Australia didn’t get the 2022 World Cup. Big deal. I mean it’s not like it’s quidditch. I suppose it would have been nice to get more than a single vote though.

At least it solves the problem of us having to come up with an instrument as annoying as the vuvuzella. Personally I was going to nominate the lagerphone.

Shooting Fish

Is it the closing ceremony yet?

Ah yes, the Commonwealth Games are on. This means I’ve had to totally rearrange my TV viewing since Channel 10 has dumped its regular schedule in favour of broadcasting the competition around the clock (do something else instead of watching TV? Are you mad?:))

I really find it hard to get excited about the Commonwealth Games. They’re really nothing more than a second rate Olympics with all of the serious competition removed. In several areas (the swimming in particular) Australia simply has the best athletes in the Commonwealth, which makes picking up medals akin to shooting fish in a barrel. What’s our tally so far? Nine gold, ten silver, five bronze, for a total of twenty four – putting us at the top of the medal count and thirteen ahead of current second placers India.

This sounds impressive, but with the big boys missing it’s all really kind of pointless. It even approaches embarrassing, particularly when the media try to get everyone all revved up about it. “Gold for Australia! Gold for Australia!” has a kind of hollow ring when there are no Americans, Russians or Chinese in the competition. Without meaning to put down our fellow Commonwealth members, it’s like wining a foot race against a bunch of amputees – crowing about it just comes across as pathetic.

So yeah, the Commonwealth Games. Is it the closing ceremony yet?

Polony

Attacking perfectly good authors for fun and profit.

I’m currently re-reading Bill Bryson’s Mother Tongue. It’s very entertaining, but if the rest of the book is as bad as his information about Australian English, well, I wouldn’t put much store in any of it.

(Disclaimer: It was published in 1990, so some of the inaccuracy can be attributed to the passage of time. But still.)

Bill confidently asserts that Australians use “labor” rather than “labour”. Well, if he’s talking about the Australian Labor Party then he’s quite correct. But if he’s talking about any other instance of the word, well, sorry Bill, it’s “labour” all the way.

He also brings up that hoary old chestnut “Cobber”. Well, I don’t know, maybe people still call each other “Cobber” deep in the hills of Tasmania (cue albinos plucking at banjos) but the rest of the country abandoned the word in about 1955. The only place you ever hear it is from tourists trying to show how “Aussie” they are, or from comedians being ironic. “Cobber” no. “Mate” yes.

Along with “Cobber”, Bill also mentions “dinky-di”. No one has used this phrase since 1982.

He also misses one of the most important and defining characteristics of regional Australian language – luncheon-meat. It’s possible to determine with reasonable accuracy where an Australian comes from based on what they call a sausage of highly processed pork. I for instance call it ‘polony’. If I was from Queensland however it would be ‘luncheon’. In Tasmania it’s ‘belgium’. In South Australia it’s ‘fritz’ and in Victoria it’s ‘devon’. This distinction is axiomic in any discussion of Australian English, but Bill makes no mention of it.

So yeah. I think that’s enough savaging of a highly entertaining book for today 🙂

PS: How could I forget one of his worst offences against the Australian tongue? We eat biscuits here not f’ing cookies!! Bah!! 🙂

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