And, because why not, here’s another attempt at transcribing a Moped track. This time their incandescent version of Abba’s Dancing Queen (including a sneaky shout out to Snap!)
(By the way I’m not terribly excited about the shout out, the band Snap! actually included the exclamation mark in their name, making it rather difficult to discuss them in a calm manner. It was the nineties, we did things differently then.)
Dancing Queen – Moped
Two-thousand and four! You know the score! Come on people! Let’s get busy with the fizzy! Insane-ia-ism!
You can dance, you can dance, Party people! Having the time of your life, I wanna see you shake your booty with a significant degree of confidence tonight! Yes! Ooh, see that girl, watch that scene, Digging the dancing queen,
In dancing queen!
Oh yes!
That’s right!
Friday night and the lights are hot, Hangin’ with Moped give it all you got, Little bit of fresh flavour, I’m gonna make you dance, We’re in the mood for some trance,
Only Moped could be those guys, I’m quite small while the other two are high, Bumping in your disco, we’re coming in your ears, In brand new underpants,
And when you get the chance, You are the dancing queen, young and sweet only seventeen, It’s not eighteen but it’s legal! Dancing queen, feel the meat from a tangerine, oh yeah! Arrr-aargh! You can dance, Yes! You can jive, having the time of your life, You’re twisting the lemons man! See that girl, My lemons! Watch that scene, Whip it! Digging the dancing queen, Arrr-aargh!
Urrrrrrrrrrrrr!
You’ve got to push the groove and pump it up to the max, We’re like a train to your brain laying down nineteen fresh tracks, We’ll always run to the rhythm, get down with the flow, We’re bigger than the Beatles! You do it – Darius! Duh-uhhh,
Yes! That’s right! I’m serious as eczema when I’m playing on my decks!
Huh!
You are the dancing queen, young and sweet only seventeen, Dancing queen! She’s bootiful! Really bootiful! You are the dancing queen, young and sweet only seventeen, Inhale! Exhale! Don’t forget to breathe! You are the dancing queen,
It is, in my opinion, a great crime that the lyrics to Moped’s various reinterpretations of rock and pop classics do not seem to be available online.
To understand Moped there are a few things you need to be aware of. For instance, the existence of Scooter – a German dance group who specialise in taking samples of other people’s songs, putting a dance beat behind them and then shouting random nonsense over the top.
It also helps to know that Scooter had a mainstream hit in 2002 with a piece based around Supertramp’s Logical Song.
And the final piece of the puzzle is that in the wake of Scooter’s Logical Song, some fun loving British lads created a parody group named Moped and sent a pastiche of Scooter’s style – based around Coldplay’s Clocks – into the popular Chris Moyles radio show, which inexplicably decided to play it.
And then Moped kept doing it, and the rest is history.
Anyway, I find their stuff hilarious and thought it was abut time their unique interpretations of the modern dance form got some love, so here’s my best attempt at the lyrics of their spectacular cover of the Guns N’ Roses classic Sweet Child of Mine.
Sweet Child of Mine – Moped
Yes! Moped are back, going back in time like Doctor Who! But we don’t have a TARDIS. But we do have a Talbot Horizon…
Oh-wo-wo-wo sweet child of mine!
This time we’re rocking for the UK Posse. Cream! Gatecrasher! Nexus Wine Bar! Crystal! And Joker! In between the kebab shop and the taxi rank!
Guns n’ Roses are hot, and it seems to me, That we’re back on the remix in 2003, Yes, Moped are phat! It’s satisfaction guarantee! (Moped are subject to status, terms and conditions apply, ask for written details)
Now and then when I feel the base, It takes me away to that raving place, And if I rave too long, I’ll probably miss my last bus and it’s a long walk back to Battenburg let me tell you…
Yes!
Oh-oh-oh sweet child of mine, Irritation for the nation! Oo-oo-oo sweet love of mine, Mmmmm-nice!
She’s got flavour and she’s all gravy, But I’ve absolutely no idea what that means, and, and now I’ve missed my place in the verse, and, I’ll catch up, it’s coming up in a little bit there, eh, here we go!
Her hair reminds me of the one safe place, Like Ibiza or Clacton-on-Sea, We go there all of the time you know, To get fresh with the Moped Posse,
Here we go!
Oh-oh-oh sweet child of mine, Fresh with the flavour! Oo-oo-oo sweet love of mine, Freestyle! Key-change!
Oh-oh-oh sweet child of mine oh-oh-oh! Bring back thats beats! Oo-oo-oo sweet love of mine, Moonshanka!
Arrr-agh!
I’m the wide runner, I’m the big hitter, You can’t get better than quick-fit fitter, Up, fork, you know the score, Don’t leave towels on the bathroom floor, Clunk, click, Chas and Dave, UK Posse gonna hear me rave, I’m the rhythm police, the baseline protector, When I say ‘bo’ you say ‘selector’, Hick, schlep, bacon and eggs, Guns N’ Roses, they have legs, I’m the lord of the dance, I’m hung like fire, This Moped vibe gonna take you higher, I-I-I-I can’t find my way out of the recording studio, where do we go now?
You know, Threshold – the infamous episode where Tom Paris travels really fast, turns into a salamander then has salamander babies with Captain Janeway) really should have been the last episode of Star Trek: Voyager.
I don’t mean production should have been shut down, everyone fired and the sets put to the torch – although a case for that can certainly be made – I mean that they discovered a perfectly plausible way to get back to Earth in no time flat.
The souped-up, transwarp shuttlecraft that inexplicably turns people into horny amphibians moves at infinite speed – it occupies every point in the universe at once until the pilot decides where to drop out of transwarp. As such there’s nothing stopping the pilot jumping instantly from the Delta quadrant to Earth orbit. The transformation into a space salamander takes some time to start, so they can land at the nearest medical facility and explain that they’re about to grow gills and cough up their own tongue, but that their doctor has prepared a complete treatment protocol and it’s right here on this PADD. A couple of days later they’re back to normal with no harm done and they’re home.
Janeway should instantly have devoted all of Voyager’s resources into building transwarp shuttles, packing them full of crew members and sending them back to Earth. The last person to leave the ship sets the self destruct to avoid contaminating the Delta quadrant with Federation tech, and everyone arrives back home safe and well with only the slight inconvenience of turning into an amphibian for a couple of days.
But no. Gotta hit that end-of-episode reset button! How else would we have been treated to the exquisite cringiness of the Doctor and Seven-of-Nine duetting on You Are My Sunshine?
And while I’m posting homebrew Warhammer 40,000 content, there’s this…
The Herkimer Pattern Chimera was created in M41.338 on the order of Lord General Casanova Herkimer who desired a suitably martial – yet comfortable – personal transport to be used for post-battlefield assessment and ceremonial occasions. In the centuries since it has become a favourite vehicle for high ranking Astra Militarum officers, Ecclesiarchy officials and the occasional Inquisitor who value its enhanced sensor suite, extra armour and luxurious interior.
The Herkimer lacks the multi-laser turret and lasgun arrays of the standard Chimera, retaining only a hull mounted heavy bolter for defensive purposes*. The passenger compartment lacks a rear ramp or top hatch, with entry and egress only via a reinforced rear door – it does however feature heavily armoured windows and an optical periscope for comfortable surveying of the battlefield. The vehicle’s extra armour is compensated for with a souped-up engine, and the enhanced communication and sensor suite allow the occupants to keep in touch with their base, or easily issue orders to their underlings.
Herkimers are most usually seen in parades or during the mop-up after combat, however some desperate commanders have been known to throw them into battle, where they can act as surprisingly effective makeshift command vehicles. A few more eccentric Astra Militarum commanders actually prefer to control their troops from a Herkimer, although they will typically receive (carefully muted) ridicule from the common troopers for riding around in a “General Jitney” or “Chicken Chariot”.
* The Heavy Bolter may be swapped out for a heavy flamer, however this modification is unpopular as it requires the drinks cabinet to be removed to make room for promethium tanks.
I’ve formatted up my 40k rules for Saint Sabbat, and included an option to give her a retinue of Servo Skulls, as she had on Herodor. All still completely untested and probably badly overpowered. Enjoy!
A few months back the great Duncan released the following video on how to build a brilliant techno-gothic locomotive out of Warhammer 40k scenery sprues…
There are a few bits I’d do differently if I was building one myself – a taller smokestack, sealing the rear of the engine assembly and moving the whole thing forwards a bit on the carriage – but overall, awesome!
Now, it’s intended as a terrain piece, but it got me thinking – why couldn’t you have some kind of battle actually on a moving train? The idea makes no sense for standard 40k, but for a skirmish game like Necromunda…
So naturally my brain immediately started throwing ideas around. A copy of the Necromunda rules and a whole lot of thinking later I’ve come up with a scenario I’m calling “The Great Necromunda Train Robbery”!
(It should be noted that I have never played a game of Necromunda in my life and have only skimmed the rules, so there are undoubtedly things I’ve got horribly wrong. Those that actually know what they’re doing with the game will need to bash my ideas into shape, and I’m more than happy to receive feedback on exactly what kind of bashing they’ve seen fit to employ.)
(Also you could probably adapt these rules to Kill Team, which I know even less about that Necromunda.)
THE PLOT
Automated trains run through and between the hives of Necromunda, carrying goods and supplies between mines, manufactoria and marketplaces. Your gang has decided to raid one of these trains, jumping on board at a slow turn then throwing off as much cargo as possible for later retrieval as it hurtles along its tracks. Unfortunately it seems a rival gang has had exactly the same idea for exactly the same train and a high speed confrontation is inevitable…
BATTLEFIELD
The battlefield is set up as a line of carriages, each of equal size. The carriage at the front of the train is the Engine. The carriage at the end of the train is the Caboose. There is no limit to the number of carriages but the minimum number should be five.
Each Carriage is categorised as a High Carriage or a Low Carriage. A High carriage is a tanker or bulk carrier. It can only be traversed by going over the top or climbing along the sides. A Low Carriage is a flatbed – there may or may not be cargo on it, but it can easily be climbed over or moved around.
The Caboose is a Low Carriage with a Control Console at the rear end (see below). The Engine is a High Carriage, with a Cabin at the rear end which contains a Control Console.
At least one Carriage must be equipped with a Defence Cannon at the front or rear end.
Two carriages (which cannot be the Engine or Caboose) are designated as Deployment Carriages. They must be separated by at least one other carriage and are where fighters will begin the game.
Each carriage (except for the Engine and Deployment Carriages) has a centrally placed Loot Casket.
CREW SELECTION
This scenario uses the standard rules for choosing a crew. Both players use the Custom Selection (X) method, however the number of fighters available is equal to the number of carriages +2.
TACTICS CARDS
Each player may select three Gang Tactics cards. If during the pre-battle sequence the total Credits value of fighters in one player’s starting crew is less than their opponent’s then they may randomly draw an additional Tactics card for each full 100 credits of difference.
DEPLOYMENT
The winner of a roll-off selects one of the Deployment Carriages and sets up their entire Crew on that Carriage. The other player then sets up their entire Crew on the other Deployment Carriage.
OBJECTIVES
Both gangs are attempting to throw as much cargo off the train as possible while preventing their enemies from doing the same. Each gang scores 1 point for each item of cargo thrown from the train and 1 point for each enemy fighter that goes Out of Action.
ENDING THE BATTLE
If one gang has no fighters left on the board at the end of any round, the battle ends immediately and the other gang scores D3 bonus points.
FLEEING THE BATTLEFIELD
If one gang voluntarily bottles out and flees the battlefield, their opponent automatically wins the scenario.
VICTORY
The gang with the most number of points at the end of the battle wins the scenario.
REWARDS (CAMPAIGNS ONLY)
CREDITS
Each unit of cargo a fighter throws from the train earns their gang 4 credits. The winning gang receives a bonus 1D6x4 credits. In the case of a draw, neither gang receive bonus credits.
EXPERIENCE
Each fighter that took part in the battle earns 1 XP.
The Leader of the gang that scored the most points gains an additional 1 XP (regardless of whether they took part in the battle or not). In the case of a draw, neither Leader gains this bonus.
REPUTATION
The victorious gang gains 2 Reputation. If either gang bottled out, they lose 1 Reputation.
SPECIAL RULES
SPEED
The Speed of the train is represented by a number from 1 (very slow) to 6 (very fast). At the start of the first Priority Phase roll 1d6 to determine the starting speed.
HAZARDS
Running around on a speeding train is dangerous. At the start of each Priority Phase roll 2D6 to see what Hazard occurs.
2D6
Effect
2
Engine Vents Steam All fighters on the Engine (with the exception of fighters
within the Cabin) must make an Initiative check or suffer a hit at 1d6 Strength
3
Rough Points All fighters must make an Initiative check or suffer a hit at strength Speed. Additionally if they roll a 1 they are Thrown Off
4
Defence Protocols Triggered All Defence Cannons fire at the nearest two eligible fighters at BS 4+.
5-6
Decrease Speed Speed decreases by 1. If already at 1, no effect
7-8
Increase Speed Speed increases by 1. If already at 6, no effect
9
Low Beam All fighters on top of a High carriage must make an Initiative check or suffer a hit at strength Speed x 2. Additionally if they roll a 1 they are Thrown Off
10
Burnt Out Lumens Pitch Black rules apply until the end of this round
11
Narrow Passage All fighters on the side of a High carriage must make an Initiative check or suffer a hit at strength Speed x 2. Additionally if they roll a 1 they are Thrown Off
12
Gas Pocket All fighters suffer a Choke Gas attack.
DEFENCE CANNON
The train is equipped with at least one Defence Cannon. This can only be operated from one of the Control Consoles. Defence Cannons cannot run out of ammo and never need to be reloaded, they can however jam.
S Rng
L Rng
S Acc
L Acc
Str
AP
D
Ammo
Traits
12″
24″
+1
–
4
-1
1
4+
Rapid Fire 2
ENGINE CABIN
A space at the rear of the the Engine is the Cabin. It has room for two fighters and provides Partial Cover. A fighter in the Cabin has access to the front Control Console.
CONTROL CONSOLES
There are two Control Consoles on the train, one in the Engine Cabin and the other at the rear of the Caboose. A standing fighter in the Engine Cabin or within 1″ of the Caboose Console may make a Basic Action to activate it and invoke an Effect. Each effect requires an Intelligence check with the modifier indicated. Both Consoles start the game Unlocked, but may be Locked with the appropriate Effect. The only Effect that may be attempted from a Locked Console is to Unlock it.
Console Effect
Int Modifier
Lock either console
-3
Unlock this console
-4
Speed train up by 1 (to a maximum of 6)
0
Slow train down by 1 (to a minimum of 1)
0
Vent Steam from Engine (as per Hazard Table)
-1
Make one attack with a Defence Cannon (treated as if the fighter is at the Cannon’s location)
-2
Throw three units of Cargo from the train
-1
CARGO
A standing fighter within 1″ of a Loot Crate may make a basic action to throw a piece of cargo off the train. This scores 1 point.
MOVING BETWEEN AND AROUND CARRIAGES
A moving fighter may attempt to leap from one Carriage to another, provided that they have enough Movement to do so. The fighter stops at the end of the Carriage and makes an Initiative check. If they pass, they leap the gap and may continue moving. If they fail, their movement ends. If they roll a one they suffer a strength Speed hit.
Low Carriages have one level. High Carriages have two. A fighter may climb between levels of a High Carriage or jump down from the top level to the bottom level. A fighter may move along the side of a High Carriage, however this counts as Difficult Terrain.
THROWN OFF
If a Fighter is Thrown Off the train, they are placed next to the carriage they fell from, suffer a hit at strength Speed+2 and are Prone and Pinned.
GETTING BACK ON
A fighter beside the train may make an Initiative check with a negative Speed modifier to clamber back onto an adjacent carriage. If successful they are placed back on the top of a Low Carriage, or the side of a High Carriage.
ADVANCING THE TRAIN
At the end of the End Phase, after any Rally tests, move any fighters that are off the train back a number of carriages equal to the train’s Speed. Any fighter that goes past the Caboose is removed from the game and counts as Out of Action when making Bottle Tests and scoring points at the end of the game.
So, that’s it! Hope it works, and any feedback will be greatly appreciated.
I’ve been thinking about how to field Saint Sabbat in a game of Warhammer 40,000.
Saint Sabbat. I can’t seem to find the name of the artist, but official GW art and hence copyright to them.
The obvious place to start is with the only Living Saint that actually has rules – Saint Celestine. I figure Sabbat should have the same statline as Celestine, with the exception of her movement, because while the Beati is undoubtedly awesome, the God Emperor declined to give her wings.
(It would have been highly thematic to give her 9 Wounds, but that’s just short of a Chimera APC, which seems a bit over the top)
M
WS
BS
S
T
W
A
Ld
Sv
6″
2+
2+
3
3
6
6
9
2+
With stats sorted out the next step is wargear. Celestine wields the Ardent Blade – the handy-dandy, flame-throwing, power sword from hell, man! While very cool, this is a one of a kind weapon, and there is sadly a complete dearth of accounts of Saint Sabbat incinerating people with a sword thrust. So I decided to give her a knockoff Ardent Blade clone without the ranged attack.
Now a Saint cannot live by swords alone, so what else could Sabbat wield? Her description in Sabbat Martyr notes that her left hand is adorned with a gilded glove with eagle claws. This could simply be some Saintly bling, but I decided to do something with it. I have declared that the Eagle’s Talon gives anyone the Saint whacks with it a nice debuff, making it easier for everyone else to get stuck in.
Finally, what’s a Saint without ranged firepower? In Anarch she’s seen to be carrying a fancy golden autopistol, so let’s throw one of those in as an alternative for the Eagle’s Talon.
WEAPON
RANGE
TYPE
S
AP
D
Power Sword
Melee
Melee
+4
-3
2
Eagle’s Talon
Melee
Melee
+1
-2
*
* Target is at -1 Toughness until the end of the Battle Round
Master Crafted Autopistol
12″
Pistol 2
3
0
1
Now we get to the fun bit, special rules!
I’m thinking that as Saint Celestine is a Saint for the Adepta Sororitas, Saint Sabbat should be a Saint for the Astra Militarum. So we’ll start by giving her the ability to inspire/boss around nearby infantry with Voice of Command. We’ll then nick Aura of Discipline from the great Commissar Yarrick, although we’ll call it Aura of Inspiration instead.
Checking back in with Celestine we’ll borrow The Armour of Saint Katherine, file off the serial numbers and call it Aquilan Aura, to represent that cool, glowing green eagle thing that shows up whenever Sabbat gets pissed off (see pic above).
Celestine also has that nice Shield of Faith ability. The 6+ Invulnerability Save is a bit much, but slapping down enemy Psykers is totally in character, so we’ll chop the save off it and call it No Miracles, Only Men (you know, since that’s a direct quote).
Finally we need something unique, an ability that only Saint Sabbat has access to. I can think of nothing better than giving her an Honour Guard. At the start of the battle a player fielding Saint Sabbat can designate a friendly unit with the INFANTRY and ASTRA MILITARUM keywords. As long as Saint Sabbat remains on the field that unit has +1 Toughness.
With that sorted the only thing left to do is set keywords and costs. Saint Sabbat’s Faction Keywords are IMPERIUM, ASTRA MILITARUM and <REGIMENT>, and her general Keywords are CHARACTER, INFANTRY, OFFICER and SAINT SABBAT. Her POWER level is 8 and points cost 150 – both estimates based on Saint Celestine
So, there we go. Completely untested and probably overpowered, but what the hey!
I have finally got around to finalising the updated version of my Campbell Country map that’s been sitting on my desktop for months.
The changes are pretty minor – basically just tweaks to fix a few discrepancies uncovered by a re-read of the source material. Brichester for instance only has one train station, located in Lower Brichester, Temphill is surrounded by woods, and there’s actually a road running out to the Devil’s Steps. There are also some carvings in the woods near Castle Morley – I think that’s it.
EDIT: And of course – the universe being perhaps not quite as bleak and hostile as Lovecraft thought but still a thorough pain the posterior – no sooner do I publish this updated map than I discover more geographic detail. “Brichester Lake”, the favoured abode of Gla’aki, should actually be named “Deepfall Waters”.
I discovered this fact courtesy of Justin Alexander over at The Alexandrian, who has come up with a fantastic solution to the limited geography of the Vale of Berkely that simply never occurred to me despite the puzzle pieces lying in plain sight.
The diplodocus has long been known as the most religious of all the dinosaur groups. While it was long known as an atheist, its scientific name means “to see,” and is derived from a Greek word meaning “to discern,” a reference to the way the fossilised bones in its skull appear to pick up light from a nearby star as it glides across the sky. It’s even speculated that this ability helped it survive the extinction event that wiped out many dinosaurs and ultimately ushered in the modern era of the dinosaur world. There are some, however, who argue that Diplodocus was an especially devout member of the religious group as it was the only dinosaur to be a complete member of the group from birth, rather than being merely a juvenile that was left to its own devices. This would explain why the animal had so many other “religious” characteristics, including the unique habit of sitting on a rock and holding its tongue out, which was also believed to be the means by which it communed with its divine creator, the Great Architect of the Universe.
The fierce atheism of the triceratops is not surprising, as the species’ thick skull and neck are covered with thick, bony plates. Some experts have speculated that the thick plate might have allowed the triceratops to hold its breath during deep dives, but this remains unproven. Another theory, based on a study by Dr. Jonathan Caulkins, suggests that the thick plates may have helped the animal with its ability to move its heavy body around by stretching the neck, which was so large that it could extend up to 30 feet during the breeding season. This could have allowed the triceratops to reach heights of up to 35 feet in flight.
Among other flying dinosaurs are the plesiosaur, the pterodactyl, the saber-tooth cat and, surprisingly, the ornithomimid, which was discovered in North America by a team of researchers led by paleontologist Michael S. Currie. Religious motivations, as one would expect, are not confined to this group either. In fact, the oldest of these ancient flying reptiles are known to have been some 300 million years older than the last dinosaur to be discovered.
The Vatican has been the site of considerable controversy over the age of the world’s first flying reptile, which some claim was an adult tyrannosaurus rex, which would have been about 160 feet long and 10 feet tall, and that is now thought to have been a member of the family of plesiosaurs, of which only one species remains.
The opinions of St Paul concerning ‘Thunder Lizards’ are also cited in the ‘Acts of Peter,’ a work of the ninth century by St. Ignatius, who quotes from the same writings of St. Paul (see below). The first dinosaur-like animal known to exist is known as ‘Pyrghisaurus lindermanensis’ and is described by St. Basil as being about 5 to 10 feet long and 2 feet wide, and weighing 100 to 120 pounds, with the skull being a bit like that of a horse. This species was described by St. Clement of Alexandria in his book ‘On the Genesis of the Creation’, written in the second century, when the first dinosaurs were thought to have lived.
Whatever the case, we can rest assured that religious dinosaurs like these are a thing of the past.
