A Message from the BiUnity(TM) Quantum Crystal System

A unique new way we’ve figured out to to prize money from the hand of the gullible

The BiUnity(TM) Quantum Crystal System is a unique new way we’ve figured out to to prize money from the hand of the gullible using the exciting field of Harmony Block Transfer Computation Renewal – a type of science we’ve just made up!

This unique system was developed by Dr Hiram Q. Chuzzlewit (holder of a Doctorate in Applied Scientism from the Yorba Linda School of Correspondence) based on information ‘bought back’ after he hit his head on a doorway and felt woozy for a few minutes – and wastes more CPU clock cycles than any comparable product!

BiUnity(TM) is the first system of its kind to use a computer to do absolutely nothing while convincing you it’s doing something by bombarding you with a load of meaningless gibberish peppered with new-age keywords such “energy”, “vibration”, “fractal” and “harmony”. It also displays pretty patterns that can be used to hypnotise your pets and less intelligent relatives!

(If there are any less intelligent than you!)

BiUnity(TM) leads the way in selling you overpriced pieces of rock crystal with wires attached in the hope that you’ll think these can somehow “transmit information” to your body in direct contravention of well established physical and biological principles!

Federal law prevents us from presenting any testimonials about BiUnity(TM) (as we’d then have to submit it for assessment by the FDA and our whole little money making scheme would collapse around our ears when they announce it’s just some lumps of rock crudely wired up to USB plugs and a cheap graphics demo program) but here’s a completely unrelated story we’d like you to read…

“I used to get terrible headaches from the CIA using lasers to shoot messages into my brain. Now whenever I feel a headache start I simply beat myself in the head with my BiUnity(TM) crystal probes until I pass out and then I feel much better! Thank you BiUnity(TM)!” — Arthur P’Tang P’Tang Owlett, Toledo, Ohio

So if you’ve got more money than sense and honestly believe paying $5,000 for some lumps of rock and cheap software will make your life better, we want to hear from you! Google BiUnity(TM) Quantum Crystal System today!

DeVille’s

The singing made it even more hellish…

My social life has been stupidly busy lately. Well, stupidly busy for me which probably means it’s getting close to what a normal person would regard as the bare minimum of social activity to stop them passing into a coma. In any case I’ve been doing so much that I haven’t had the time to blog about any of it – a situation I plan to partially rectify by writing about my Thursday night, when I attended my good friend Katie’s birthday do at DeVille’s Pad.

DeVille’s Pad is a place I’ve been meaning to check out (in a vague and unfocused way) ever since it opened up in the old Polygon nightclub next to McIver railway station. It’s a bar/nightclub that attempts to combine a chic, somewhat kitsch 1950s tiki-bar style with a devil and hell theme – a synthesis that they actually manage to pull off quite well.

(The same people operate a smaller 1950s style tiki-bar near the cathedral, so they’ve had practise)

The interior is done up to look like someone transplanted a Vegas hotel from the 1950’s into a cave. The walls curve around into interesting organic shapes, there’s stalactites and wrought iron all over the place and a stage and a dance floor.  Ah! Here’s a convenient panorama that gives some idea. The place is very cool, frankly I’m astonished they let me through the door.

Katie had invited about 25 of her friends, very few of whom I’d met before so I basically just found somewhere comfortable to sit back and enjoy the show. And a show there was, as (it turns out) Thusday nights are Karaoke at DeVille’s!

The performances had their high points and low points. There was one woman in particular who – “performed” is probably the best word as “sang” would be entirely inaccurate – a number of songs in an off key bawl that could have cut metal. The guy hosting the show on the other hand belted out several numbers – notably The Final Countdown – really well. The big surprise was a somewhat diminutive staff member who did an incredible version of Twist and Shout. She was then joined by a six foot tall, black-clad apparition of doom with hair like Cousin It for ACDC’s Thunderstruck, which varied between her astonishingly powerful rock vocal and his truly impressive death grunting.

Another staff member briefly abandoned the bar to do a great version of Sexual Healing, which is not a phrase I ever thought I’d have cause to type. Then a Scottish couple did Build Me Up Buttercup – well, sort of, he just shouted the lyrics in his thick Scottish accent, while she looked embarrassed. But it was quite entertaining. Later on they broke out into a spontaneous sword dance, minus any swords (at least I presume they didn’t have any swords, I couldn’t see their feet from where I was sitting).

All of the food has either a hell or 1950s theme. After some consideration I went for the Royale with Cheese burger. I have to say this was a bit disappointing – it was a perfectly adequate burger, but there was nothing to make it stand out against any other perfectly adequate burger you could get elsewhere rather cheaper (I guess I’ve just been spoiled by Grill’d).

I said my goodbyes about 10 and got the train home. A good night all up and I’ll certainly consider heading back when I need somewhere impressively unique for a meal.

Watching the Bones

I’ve got the blues Jen!

Man I love Bones. Not an episode goes by where they don’t use technology in a way that it simply doesn’t work.

For instance, in a recent episode they found a negative cast of a skeleton inside a block of concrete. They filled the cast with metal, and CAT scanned it to get a 3D model of the skeleton, which they then printed out on a rapid prototyping machine to get a skeleton they could study. They then solved the murder via a bunch of microscopic scratches on said skeleton. Brilliant!

Except I somehow doubt that,

a) The resolution (for want of a better word) of concrete would be good enough to retain microscopic scratches.
b) A CAT scan would be detailed enough to pick up any microscopic scratches the concrete did manage to preserve.
c) The rapid prototyping machine would have a high enough resolution to print out any microscopic scratches the CAT scan did pick up.

Add to that the scene of the rapid prototyping machine at work – playing a bunch of bright red, clearly visible laser beams all over a tank of goop – well it’s just sheer genius.

(And that’s not to mention the 3D holographic display they regularly use –  a technology that just plain doesn’t exist)

Funnily enough, I don’t enjoy Bones for the reason that so many nerd guys do. Emily Deschanel is unquestionably very pretty, but I find Brennan’s characterisation rather annoying. Also, I guess I find it hard to be attracted to a supposed scientist who makes so many basic scientific errors 🙂

On a personal level I’ve got the blues Jen! I’m feeling tired, run down and ineffective. I spend all week hanging out for the weekend when I can actually get things done – then get nothing done on the weekend because I feel so vague, tired and unfocussed. My apartment is in an appalling state because I haven’t got around to tidying it for weeks, and all I want to do is either prowl mindlessly around the net, or crawl into bed and sleep. Hmmm, I probably need more exercise, more vegetables, or a good slap upside the head or something 🙂

All Hail President President

Jimmy Goose was by far the best.

For a history nerd such as myself, this is hilarious…

For normal people probably not so much 🙂

Although it kind of ruins the joke, I compiled a list of the ‘Presidents’ for my own satisfaction, and repeat it here…

1. George Washington
2. John Aaronson
3. Terry Montrose
4. Hudson McLavoie
5. Jim Stand
6. Bruce K. Tedesco
7. Jimmy Goose
8. Lucas Brokus
9. Plugman M. Tucks
10. Alan Diamond
11. Tex O’Keef
12. Nolan Shack
13. Angus W. Crowe
14. Gepetto Corrigan
15. Liam F. Stitches
16. Jackson Graft
17. Houston van Austin
18. Doug Wobble
19. Geoffrey Risenburg
20. Geoffrey Savinkus
21. Geoffrey Dolby
22/24. Geoffrey Stuckmeyer
23. Geoffrey Simms
25. Governor Mark Whitford
26. Buddy Knox
27. William Jefferson Clinton
28. Joe Montanac
29. Unknown
30. Daniel Flintstone (Boo!)
31. Bernard H. Stuckey
32. Christopher Tigus
33. Limpton Quick
34. Jonathan T. President
35. Leo Smoot
36. Steven W. Spooner Junior
37. Roy Wizzle
38. Charlie Angel
39. Arck Ack
40. Neill K. Sputterman
41. Oliver Paltrow
42. Sweeney Patch
43. Gary Question
44. Mark Ruth

(Later – It seems that my list has become the standard one being copied around the blogosphere. Unfortunately I’ve made some updates to it since it was originally copied. Fascinating…)

Foolish 40k Ideas Number One – Servo Skulls

Skeletons. And Fire. And skeletons on fire.

If your Imperial Guard force includes an Techpriest Enginseer you may take up to three Servo Skulls at a cost of 30 points each.

WS BS S T W I A Ld Sv
Servo Skull 4 – 3 4 1 5 1 – –

A Servo Skull moves as an independent model with a movement of 12″, following the skimmer rules. It may move in and out of cover without penalty and has the Scouts special rule. Servo Skulls count as HQ units and may not claim objectives. They may not join up with other units.

A Servo Skull carries no weapons and cannot fire or assault. It never has to take leadership checks, and in any circumstance where a leadership check would be required is assumed to have automatically passed.

If attacked in an assault a Servo Skull fights as normal, but any wounds it inflicts are ignored apart from for purposes of combat resolution. If victorious in a combat it may disengage and move up to 6″ in any direction at the end of the assault phase.

A Servo Skull is so delicate that it has no Armour Save, and can never receive one. However its small size and high speed grant it a permanent 5+ Cover Save, even when completely in the open.

Destroying a Servo Skull scores no victory points, however if all Techpriests in the force are removed as a casualties, all Servo Skulls are also removed. If all Techpriests are in reserve, all Servo Skulls must also be in reserve.

If a scattering weapon is targeted at a point within 6″ of a friendly Servo Skull, it rolls one less die for scatter. Being in range of multiple Servo Skulls has no additional effect.

So, that will either add some interesting strategic choices to the game, or break it entirely. Have fun kids! 🙂

Save the Wombats Lord, Kumbaya

What would we do baby, without us?

In an attempt to fill up the vast, rolling plains of airtime that have recently opened up with the onslaught of newly launched digital channels, the various TV networks have been pulling anything they can grab out of their archives, dusting it off, and throwing it on air willy nilly. As a result shows that haven’t seen the light of day in decades are now turning up randomly all over the TV schedule, often in back-to-back double episodes or in odd timeslots such as 5:00pm Monday to Wednesday, followed by 12:20pm Thursday, then 6:30am Saturday for the early risers. It’s historic TV madness!

One of these shows that has been dragged kicking and screaming off the shelf is that old standby Family Ties, the show that launched Michael J. Fox to stard0m and ensured that we’d never get to see Eric Stoltz drive a Delorean. Ah, the memories! The maddeningly catchy sha-la-la-la theme song! The curiously craggy face of Michael Gross! Ubu the dog with his frisbee! Good times…

But the thing that struck me most forcibly during a recent viewing was a scene that showed just how right L.P.Hartley was with his lunatic ramblings about shadowy umbrellas, hooded eyes and the past as a foreign country where they do things differently (and how!).

So, the titular family are sitting around in the kitchen when Alex (played by Marty McFly) gets a phone call from a girl. From the half of the conversation we hear it’s clear that this girl has managed to obtain tickets for some event. Once off the phone one of the parents (honestly I forget who, they’re pretty interchangeable) asks if said tickets are for Barry Manilow.

A joke of course – clueless parents totally out of touch with the music young people are into, assuming that Barry Manilow is somehow cool enough that their son would be clamouring for tickets. But no. No canned laughter rings out. The Manilow comment is passed over without comment, the actual joke is that the tickets Alex is so excited about are to a lecture by a famous economist.

The only logical conclusion is that in the early 80’s cool kids went to Barry Manilow concerts! Or at the very least TV scriptwriters thought that cool kids went to Barry Manilow concerts. Madness!!

Ancient TV aside, the old black dog has been stalking me quite efficiently recently, to the point that I’d very much like to spend my days curled up in a fetal position, weeping quietly under my bedsheets. Unfortunately it’s been too hot for that, so I’ve had to pull myself together and come into work instead. I’ve been doing my best to deal with it by subverting my angst into fantasies of extreme violence against everyone who has ever crossed me. This is startlingly effective but hardly qualifies as a long term treatment plan. I did manage to get my bike fixed however so I’ll try some needlessly aggressive bike riding instead and see how it goes.

That’s all for now folks!

Hellish

Satan Built My Website

Deville’s Pad may be a fantastically cool venue, but their website is hellish.

Graphics optimised for a white background on black, horribly compressed maps and menus (to the point of near illegibility) and completely built in Flash so you can’t select/copy any of the text or open anything in a new tab.

It’s horrible. I don’t know what they paid for it but whatever it was they got badly ripped off.

(By the way, the design is great – it’s the implementation that’s jaw-droppingly bad).

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