The Lizard is Here and will Recognise You

The year is 2053. What franchise is about to get rebooted?

In 2050 a bored AI social media influencer stumbles over an episode of Homeboys in Outer Space. The rest is history.

What is the US government really hiding at Area 51?

Seven aliens from a planet orbiting Barnard’s Star. They were sent here as ambassadors after detection of our radio signals and arrived in 1979, but it turns out the trace amounts of argon in our atmosphere make them high as fuck and they’ve spent the last 45 years lying around talking about birds (there are no birds on their planet so they think they’re wild) and eating pizza while the US government keeps trying to convince them to go home.

Do you enjoy clubbing? Why? Why not?

It’s fun, but it does make my arms tired.

Wow, what kind of dancing are you doing?

Dancing? Oh! I see what you meant…

What is your unpopular Medela effect memories that you have?

In my experience Medela breastfeeding products are very popular!

Why in every grocery store are Eggland’s Best eggs cheaper than the store brand?

Because they’re iguana eggs, which are much cheaper to produce than chicken ones.

What does the term ‘Shucky Ducky Quack Quack’ mean?

It’s a secret message decoding to “We Await Silent Tristero’s Empire”

What football theories do you believe in?

All NFL games are fixed by the National 4-H Council and the Nawaubians!

What is the most overrated country?

Neutral Moresnet. Zinc hoarding bastards!

What’s currently wrong with your body?

I’ve lived well beyond the point where evolution expects me to have reproduced, so pretty much everything.

What would the political beliefs of dolphins be?

Male dolphins are quite keep on sexual assault, so probably Republican.

What happens when you replace one word of a song title with “Beef Curtains”?

Your girlfriend walks out on you

What is your favorite roleplaying scenario to do in the bedroom?

You can’t go past Module B2 – The Keep on the Borderlands

With many scandals and outrageous decisions, what are the things that GOP are actually doing well?

Gerrymandering!

What is a ‘bad habbit’ you have?

I kept Frodo locked up in my… oh, you mean habit!

If Aliens came to Earth and asked what special powers and abilities humans have, what would you tell them?

We have astonishing powers of self delusion!

You find a small house in nice condition that’s for sale for $4,000, but 164 people from ages 6-73 were violently murdered there. Would you purchase it?

Hell no! My hard limit is 158!

When did the USA and Soviet Union get nuclear missiles?

The Atlanteans gave them to them in 1879 in exchange for 32,000 short tonnes of bauxite

What is Washington is famous for?

Chopping down Lord Cornwallis’s cherry tree with naught but his wooden teeth!

What makes you feel confident & hot?

Nothing!

What are your thoughts about in Revelation Jesus claiming he is the bright morning star?

I think John of Patmos should have cut down on the mushrooms.

What’s the best pizza place in NYC?

CHUD’s Original Slice. It’s on level 6 of the Park Slope branch of the Brooklyn main sewer.

If America decided to switch to a monarchy, who would be King or Queen?

Kanye West. Speed run to the insane monarch without generations of careful inbreeding.

You just got your 30 days sober token at an A.A. meeting and as you’re leaving some random guy tells you about a bar down the street that will give you a free drink in exchange for your sobriety coin. What do you do next?

That kind of shitty behaviour needs to be stamped out, so I’d go there and torch the place.

Why are you a believer?

I saw her face!

Which actors do you think are closest to the characters they play?

Bennedict Cumberbatch actually is a 60ft long dragon!

What’s a tip to bed a large number of women?

Donating to your local women’s shelter will help provide beds for many women.

What is the real difference between a Navy SEAL and a normal Marine?

The standard Marine is incapable of balancing a ball on their nose.

Why did so many people hate quarantine?

Many humans are afflicted with an addiction to social contact. If kept apart from others for more than two or three days they suffer increasing levels of mental and emotional distress. Research continues to help these unfortunates.

What the hell is Ortochromatic?

A small town in northern Finland.

Why was winter called ‘winter’ and summer ‘summer’, and not vice versa?

Because if winter meant summer and summer meant winter you’d be asking exactly the same question.

Ladies: What would you do if the mild mannered IT guy at work bought you a lovely pair of stilettos and asked you out for dinner and a dance?

I would assume they’d mark the IT guy as some kind of foot fetishist and apply for a restraining order.

What is the point of growing grass in a small jar?

To demonstrate human dominance over the vegetable kingdom!

People who don’t clear the snow off of their car, why?

Well, first I’d need a car. And then I guess I’d have to live somewhere where it snows…

What was the moment that you realized you were gay?

When Seth Putnam told me I was

According to a vague memory, the beginning of the movie a small plane crash, followed by a large group of butterflies in the sky, the movie is almost over when the hero found a green glowing stone in a dark cave, what the movie is called?

Lindsey and Leon go to the Roller Disco

What’s the creepiest subway entrance in NYC?

The one at the back of the Delacorte Theater in Central Park. It only appears when the moon is above the horizon and waning gibbous. You can go in and have a look around, but make sure to leave before the moon sets, and DO NOT board any of the trains.

What does existence truly mean?

All that exists exists. All that does not exist does not exist. Anything apart from that is your own problem.

What are your thoughts on Christianity?

Like any other major religion it has done – and continues to do – good things and bad things, and there’s no evidence it has any more truth than any of them.

What are your opinions on doorknobs?

I have no objection to doorknobs

What would you name a cat-monkey-dog?

An abomination

Do you eat sunflower seeds with or without the shell, and why?

Eat them? How will you defend yourself against vampire pizza delivery workers?

Why do you worry so much?

If I knew that then I wouldn’t be on antidepressants.

What is the greatest tragedy of human life?

That 99% of all humans lived and died prior to the musical career of Heavy D & the Boyz

You’ve been asked to perform on behalf of your country in a world-wide talent show. What do you do?

Ask them what the hell they’re thinking.

What’s the difference between red American state child marriage and other country’s child marriages?

Because good ol’ American child marriages are approved by the Lord Jayzus whereas all the others are in dirty, foreign countries where they don’t have no real religion!

What’s currently stopping you from watching all 6 seasons of the great show Riverdale?

I remain unconvinced that the solution to crime is softcore gay porn.

Describe the time when you feel the most attractive. Do you still look and feel the same? If not, what’s stopping you?

As if I’ve ever felt attractive!

What happens after our death?

Your teeth will fall out and your eyes will fall in,
And you’ll be as happy as ever you’ve been!

What do Non-Americans think of the guns laws in America?

Insanity

What is your opinion on Karl Marx?

Smart guy, lots of good ideas, lots of stupid ideas.

Such as?

A Good Idea: Society actually looking after people rather than crushing them underfoot in a mad rush for profit.

A Bad Idea: History inevitably and unstoppably moving towards Marx’s very particular ideas of how society should be run.

What is the creepiest thing you’ve seen in the woods, or in the mountains, or in deserts, or caves, or in small towns, or in big cities, or in hotels, or in remote or rural areas, or while asleep, or home alone, or while on large bodies of water, or while on an aircraft or a nautical vessel?

I saw something super creepy on a spacecraft once but I ain’t telling you anything about it!

When your girlfriend keeps shifting her eyes to the side does that mean she’s lying?

Not necessarily. There could be an alligator behind you, or she could have an inner ear infection.

If AI had to learn from humans only reading comments on the internet, how do you think it would turn out to be like?

Such an experiment would be entirely redundant as Logan Paul already exists.

Why do you think children scream in public?

They have not yet been socialised to suppress the unbearable horror of existence.

Imagine humans built a transport system to Mars. What would the ticket price per person be?

The ticket is free but you need to pledge eternal loyalty to Elon Musk, God Emperor of Mars before he lets you get off.

What is the percentage chance that a girl will break up with a guy?

Depends what the guy does to her

What is the current population of America?

There are just over 20,000 Americans. Everyone thinks there are more but that’s just because so many of them are overweight.

Why did you fail to invest in NFTs?

I was somehow able to determine that an easily replicable cartoon of a monkey was unlikely to retain much value long term.

What flavour is the clear part on a gummy worm?

That’s the worm flavoured bit.

What are some interesting activities that can be had with Tiger Balm on your genital area?

Screaming until your neighbours call the police

What is your opinion on the US Space Force?

Call me when they build S.H.A.D.O Interceptors.

What cute cartoon character would be absolutely terrifying if it existed in the real world?

Pikachu. It’s bad enough having a rat in your house, let alone one that can incinerate you with lightning bolts.

What would another brand’s Mario Kart be called?

Sonic’s Irresponsible Road Experience

What is the best way to make goth friends?

Figure out how to transform into a bat

What do you think about Andrew Tate fans saying sex is a human right?

Andrew Tate fans would say paint chips are a tasty snack.

What screams very loudly?

The pale, limbless torso that flops around my bedroom floor at night.

If you were to have three deodorants at once, how would you use them?

Three deodorants at once? Listen to Mr Fancy Pants here!

You’re under arrest. What crime did you commit?

Staring at churches upside down through my own legs

If you entered an amateur alcoholic drink-making competition, what drink will you make for the judges to win first place?

I’d combine 50% vodka in a glass with 50% pickle juice, crush it with a rock, then present it to the judges while yelling “THAT’S ALL YOU DESERVE YOU PIGS!!”

What do you think happened in the years the Bible took place?

The earliest bits of the Bible go back about 5,000 years and the most recent about 1,800 years, so that’s about 3,200 years you’re talking about. So my answer would be “a lot”.

What is the point of living in a mansion alone?

To prove your superiority to the peasants!

Which is it? A unibrow or a monobrow?

Depends if you’re Greek or Roman.

What sounds do you fall asleep to at night? Silence, podcasts, snoring, Netflix left on autoplay?

The comforting wheeze of my CPAP machine.

What is the greatest wonder of the modern world?

The fruit corner yogurt pack.

If you rated the Friends cast from best to worst, what would your list look like?

THE MONKEY WAS THE BEST ONE!!!

Who do you think will win in Bible 2?

You mean the Book of Mormon?

What subtle signs do you give someone to let them know you’re into them?

I go out of my way to avoid interacting with them in any way whatsoever to avoid embarrassing incidents. They’ll get the hint eventually!

What do you think will happen in 2025?

Immediately upon taking office President Trump will declare war on Atlantis and nuke the world’s oceans.

Why do you think Humpty Dumpty fell off the wall?

He was taken out by a sniper

If you see someone drowning but you don’t know how to swim do you still have a legal or moral obligation to jump in and try to save that person?

Yes, unless you are Phil Collins.

How come butterflies can mate with elephants but not with dogs?

The Canis Helix is incompatible with insect genetics

Where do you guys buy pants?

Buy pants? I exclusively wear clothing I find abandoned on the street!

What is the best thing about daylight savings time?

It confuses the cows! Damn cows have had it too good for too long…

Do you believe that religion is necessary for moral behavior, why or why not?

A person who needs supernatural threats to make them behave in a moral fashion is not a moral person.

How can a person stop thinking about a girl?

Think about a lovely horse instead!

What is the little table that comes with the pizza REALLY used for?

It’s in case you want to share your pizza with a mouse

You are suddenly teleported to Brie in Middle Earth at the start of The Fellowship of The Ring. What’s your plan to survive?

I’m not sure that Professor Tolkien ever commented on the presence of runny cheese in Middle Earth.

What do you do to get ready for a first date?

Curl up in a fetal ball on the floor and hyperventilate.

What are everyone’s thoughts on the mattresses that you order online and shipped in a box?

The way they expand out of the box is straight up non-euclidian, suggesting that they’re not so much mattresses as quiescent shoggoths.

Why shouldn’t we kill endangered animals?

As the number of members of a species decreases, more and more power is concentrated in the survivors. This means that if you kill one its ghost will be incredibly powerful and take terrible revenge upon you.

What is your best excuse to refuse liquor?

“Why, pray tell, do you seek to release the demons that dwell within my soul?”

What is the longest you could go without internet?

The rest of my life. I mean I wouldn’t be happy about it.

If you were a cozy anthropomorphic animal wearing Victorian clothing and living in a meadow having tea on toadstools what animal would you be?

A mole of course! I would wear wire-frame glasses and a colourful waistcoat!

What are the intentions of the Shadow People?

To have a good time!

What is the difference between erotica and pornography?

Erotica costs more

How do you help a friend who’s feeling down because of a rejection?

Does he like butter tarts?

Severn Horror

Severn Horror – my homemade expansion for Arkham Horror 2nd Edition based on the works of Ramsey Campbell – is done.

After three solid days of documenting, revising, documenting, revising and documenting again I am too mentally shattered to write anything witty or interesting, so I’ll just blurt the finished product onto the net and worry about promoting it later.

Version 1.1 Rules (232 kb PDF File)
Severn Horror v1.1 (228 Mb Zip File)

Here’s a preview of the final Board

Welcome to Brichester. Mind the Brood.
Welcome to Brichester. Mind the Brood.

And here’s my illustration of Byatis, which Ramsey Campbell himself (!!!) described as “splendid”

Byatis AKA Serpent Bearded Byatis AKA the God of Forgetfulness AKA the Berkeley Toad AKA Gary
Byatis AKA Serpent Bearded Byatis AKA the God of Forgetfulness AKA the Berkeley Toad AKA Gary

Enjoy! And don’t bother me for the next week! ;D

Brains? Where we’re going we don’t need brains!

It is a fact well known to all that here at the Wyrmlog I expend great effort to keep abreast of the latest developments in science and technology (You! at the back! Stop sniggering!). As such I thought it was important to have a look at ChatGP, the AI chatbot that is – depending on who you talk to – either the greatest thing ever created by humankind or the harbinger of the collapse of civilisation.

The Dino Pope taking his flock for a walk – Jacques Tilly, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons

As is my standard test for all AI systems I asked its opinion on the religious persuasions of dinosaurs, a practise deriving from the very first Googlewhack I ever found – the phrase “Mormon diplodocus” (What’s a Googlewhack? Don’t young people today read Dave Gorman?). It responded with the following…

In the ancient world of the dinosaurs, there were many different species with diverse religious preferences. Some, like the Stegosaurus, were devout followers of the Earth goddess, Gaia. They believed that the natural world was sacred and that all living things were connected. They spent their days meditating in the forest, communing with nature and giving thanks for the abundance of the land.

The Triceratops, on the other hand, were devout followers of the Sky god, Uranus. They believed that the god of the sky had created the earth and all its creatures, and they spent their days gazing up at the heavens in awe and reverence. They were known for their elaborate rituals, which involved sacrificing large plants and animals to appease Uranus and ensure good weather.

The Velociraptor, on the other hand, were not religious in the traditional sense. They were fierce hunters and believed that strength and cunning were the keys to survival. They had no need for gods or goddesses, and instead relied on their own skills and instincts to survive in the harsh wilderness.

Finally, the T-Rex, the king of the dinosaurs, was the most powerful of them all. He had no need to rely on any god or goddess. He was the god of the dinosaurs. All the other dinosaurs worshiped him and feared him. He ruled the land with an iron fist and was worshiped as a god by all.

Despite their differences in religious beliefs, all the dinosaurs lived in harmony and respected one another’s beliefs. They knew that the natural world was vast and mysterious, and that there was room for many different ways of understanding and honoring it.

In the end, these ancient creatures may have gone extinct, but their belief systems lived on through the creatures that inherited the earth. And their legacy of respect for diversity will forever be remembered in the annals of history.

I think we may be in serious trouble…

No, I DON’T know you!

Today the Scarred for Life Twitter account (@ScarredForLife2) alerted me to the existence of this 1973 TV advertisement for the UK’s Vauxhall Motor Company.

I can’t (between bouts of horrified weeping) but wonder if this… “character” shall we say, had an influence of the Owlman sightings that started three years later at Mawnan Old Church in Cornwall. Compare the following drawings by witnesses…

For the record I find the eagle owl hypothesis fairly convincing, but seeing things like… that… on TV could well have an effect when confronted by something large, scary and bird like.

Crimes

It is my deep and strongly held conviction that to play the version of Pulp’s Common People that omits the second verse IS A CRIME.

Similarly, it is my deep and strongly held conviction that to play the version of Pulp’s Disco 2000 that omits the monologue IS A CRIME.

Furthermore, it is my deep and strongly held conviction that to play any version of Pulp’s Disco 2000 and not to sing along with the “OOOOOO OO-OO OO-OO-OO-OO” bits at the end IS A CRIME.

That is all.

England ’86 – Part 3

And so we come to the third and final part of my day by day summary of the UK holiday my family took in 1986 (part one, part two). In this exciting episode we head for recently irradiated Scotland. Prepare for tales of blatent diary forgery, vandalism of historic sites and an encounter with the UK’s oldest living resident!

Saturday May 31st – Drove from Liverpool to wilds of Scotland with Uncle Tony. Memorable and spectacular trip through Highlands that I mostly missed by falling asleep. Checked into A-Frame cabin next to stream at Delny Highland Lodges.

Sunday June 1st – Church (of course) in repurposed Invergordon Nissen Hut, Presbyterians having grabbed all decent buildings. Then off to misnamed Black Isle (it’s a peninsula). Visited Clootie Well, picturesque ruins of Fortrose Cathedral and Chanonry Point Lighthouse from which we observed pod of dolphins. Then visited Fairy Glen which was quite nice. Aunty Mary and Uncle Doug arrived in evening.

Monday June 2nd – Entry begins with blatant fabrication about not just seeing but actually photographing Loch Ness Monster. Shameful! Drove to Loch Ness and attended the exhibition at Drumnadrochit. Particularly fascinated by bisected otter (it died of natural causes). Staged photo of fibreglass monster. Scanned the Loch from Urquart Castle but saw nothing. Lunch at Fort Augustus. Saw deer, went home.

Tuesday June 3rd – Went to the rather impressive Fort George. Dad vanished so I ran full mile around battlements looking for him. Still no sign so had lunch without him. Once he turned up headed to Brodie Castle and saw misprinted dinner plates. Then to Cawdor Castle which was hitting the Macbeth connection hard. Disappointed we didn’t get special treatment for being Cawdor Campbells on Mum’s side.

Wednesday June 4th – Drove across entire country and back to look at palm trees at Inverewe Gardens, despite having palm trees at home.

Thursday June 5th – Went to Landmark Visitors’ Centre at Carrbridge where told so much snow on the Cairngorm mountains they were considering re-opening skiing season. Diverted to the Cairngorm ski-lift to see snow. Got to top, spent two minutes throwing snowballs. then blizzard rolled in. Rode down ski-lift being pelted by snow in gale force winds. Brother spent half hour standing under hand dryer in mens’ toilets. Back to Landmark where saw a movie, walked through maze and brother saw a “facon” (or possibly “falon”).

Friday June 6th – Took advantage of services at Lodges to go for family horse ride. Dad’s horse (“Sally”) completely uncontrollable. Chased by cows. Didn’t know I was allergic to horses at time – diary says nothing but was probably miserable. Shopping in Inverness. Looked into visiting Fryish Monument but everyone too lazy and selfish to consider mere 10 mile walk. Set off for John o’ Groats but only got as far as Bonar bridge before giving it up as a bad job and turning around.

Saturday June 7th – Checked out of Highland Lodges and set off for Perth (many jokes made) via the Great Glen and Glencoe. Split between two cars. Various stops due to brother’s car sickness meant we fell behind – got caught up around Lochy Bridge where others had temerity to blame us for the confusion. Visited Glencoe – careful to keep quiet about Campbell connections as MacDonalds tend not to care about VERY CLEAR DISTINCTION between Cawdor and Argyle Campbells. Continued to Perth then Bridge of Earn where checked into chalets just adjacent to ruins of old bridge.

Sunday June 8th – Went to church, dropped Dad at the Black Watch museum then went through a car wash. Visited Huntingtower where the spiral staircases were built backwards because the owners wielded their swords left-handed (a fanciful tale told wherever there are backwards spiral staircases). Picked up Dad from the museum and went back to chalets.

Monday June 9th – Drove to Edinburgh. Made game of spotting buildings resembling ones in London – fortunate that no Scots overheard or we’d have been killed. Visited Castle, almost froze from wind chill. Fascinated by Mons Meg. Looked for place to eat, found The Witchery sited in building where witches apparently met to “talk to saten”. Ate at big table alongside dummy dressed like witch – most discomforting. Visited cathedral, walked through town for hours. No one wanted to climb Scott Monument despite gothic awesomeness. Fryish monument all over again.

Note: The Witchery is now a very swanky and quite expensive fine dining establishment and boutique hotel that no longer features dummies dressed as witches, no longer claims its location was ever actually used by witches and seems to keep very quiet about its origins as a 1980s tourist trap…

Tuesday June 10th – Toured various factories churning out pottery and glassware at Crieff. Ate haggis at cafeteria.

Wednesday June 11th – Visited Killacrankie and Blair Castle. Saw deer penned up with sheep. Impressed by sheer number of horns on display. Less impressed by state of dining room, roof of which had collapsed. Visited “friends” who lived at a coal yard. Built fort out of bricks in their sandpit.

Thursday June 12th – Drove around Loch Lomond in appalling conditions of pounding rain interspersed with thick fog. Carried on to Doune Castle – ignorance of Monty Python meant many missed joke opportunities. Caretaker showed us bats – sadly rather small and unimpressive. Back to chalets but Uncle Doug had keys so were locked out. Headed for another castle but couldn’t find it.

Friday June 13th – Went to Loch Levan and caught ferry to island with castle where Mary Queen of Scots imprisoned. After lunch visited Stirling Castle. Saw Wallace Monument across valley but no one wanted to visit it except me. Scott Monument all over again.

Saturday June 14th – Checked out of chalets and drove approx 700kms back to Warsash with Mary and Doug via Carlisle. Long drive even by Australian standards. Various stops for food, refreshments and brother’s car sickness. Mum and Dad got a day to themselves for once.

Sunday June 15th – Church (no escaping it) then to Sheila and Mike’s for lunch. Looked at Sarah’s shell collection. Mum and Dad arrived at some point during the day but I totally failed to record when.

Monday June 16th – Shopping in Southampton followed by walk on the beach. Found interesting rocks and built a miniature Stonehenge, which is the kind of thing kids did in the benighted ages before Nintendo released the Game Boy.

Tuesday June 17th – Headed off for the south west. Brass rubbing at Exeter Cathedral. Bought postcard of pipe organ lit up blue despite Mum and Dad hating it. Visited Powderham Castle. Scruffy looking man saw Mum’s interest in music box collection and activated them all. Scruffy looking man was 17th Earl of Devon. Introduced us to the famous Timothy (we fed her lettuce). Visit to grandparents of brother’s school friend Jason in Teignmouth. Checked into bed and breakfast.

Wednesday June 18th – Got lost in Plymouth looking for Dad’s second cousin as discovered by Radio Devon. Found him eventually. Went to Tintagel – only had time to look at fossil museum or King Arthur’s Hall tourist trap. Opted for fossil museum where waxwork posed in window turned out to be very alive owner. Over to castle where large American woman slipped and broke her ankle, having to be carried back to mainland across precarious bridges and walkways by two unfortunate men. Overcome by Arthurian mystique I nicked a stone from the ruined castle walls – have meant to find and return it for years. Up coast to Clovelly where walked up and down ridiculously steep streets and looked at tourist tat in Donkey Shop. Night at bed and breakfast.

Thursday June 19th – Caves at Wookey Hole. No sign of Chewbacca. Toured old paper mill, learned about paper production and played with old fairground machines. Dad extremely evasive on why he wouldn’t let me have a go on the “What the Butler Saw” machine. Drove to Glastonbury and visited the abbey ruins. Laughed at the same sign concerning the Abbot “vaulting the choir and facing it” that Mum had laughed at as a child. Visited more of those mysterious ‘friends’ and checked into a bed and breakfast.

Friday June 20th – Drove back to Warsash. Entirely failed to find a Roman Villa on the way.

Saturday June 21st – Shopping at Fareham in the morning. Mum, Mary and brother went to a bazaar in the afternoon. Brother bought me back a ceramic dinosaur which was very nice of him.

Sunday June 22nd – Diary makes no mention of church, but what are the odds? Drove to Frieth for garden party with Uncle Fran and Sally. Played with hammock in garden afterwards. Then back to Warsash.

Monday June 23rd – Bought pages for postcard albums in Fareham, and ordered even more of them. Had clearly devolved into some kind of postcard fiends.

Tuesday June 24th – Off to Winchester for the ‘Domesday 900’ exhibition celebrating (funnily enough) 900 years since the creation of the Domesday Book. Located in Great Hall and featuring lots of wax figures in Norman robes. Very impressive wood carving of the entire Bayeux Tapestry (an artifact that appears to have entirely vanished from history). Admired round table then paintings of King Arthur in W.H.Smiths. Saw ‘a play’ – a reenacted medieval mummer’s play maybe?

Wednesday June 25th – Helped (more likely hindered) Dad cut down a tree in Mary and Doug’s garden.

Thursday June 26th – Drove to the Weald and Downland Museum. Thirty-one years too early for The Repair Shop. Very impressed by mushroom shaped staddle stones. Visited ‘friends’ in Burgess Hill again – who are these people?

Friday June 27th – Into Southsea for the D-Day Museum. Tapestry not as impressive as the wooden one, but liked the tank. Across to Southsea Castle where we toured the bomb-proof tunnels. Went to a dance in the evening where the crowds and music made me extremely grumpy.

Saturday June 28th – Off to a medieval fair at “Stilbing-ton” which I presume must have been Stubbington. Was picked out of crowd to be a ‘squire’ and follow a ‘knight’ around while wearing extremely heavy chainmail and a helmet. Watched the ox roast roast. Stopped off to pick strawberries on the way home, then the car broke down 100m from the house.

Sunday June 29th – Church in the morning. Sheila and Mike came for lunch. Brother cut finger in bathroom when lightbulb spontaneously exploded – it certainly had nothing to do with it being hit by a damp washcloth we were defintely not throwing around.

Monday June 30th – Back to Fareham to order more postcard album pages (this is getting ridiculous). Got Dad a shoebox for some reason and went to “the predinked” (what?) to get prawn crackers.

Tuesday July 1st – Drove up to London to pick up parcels. Lunch with Tony and Grandmadge at the Italian restaurant with the sorbets, then “watering the ‘club’ oval” (whatever the hell that’s meant to mean). Drove back from London.

Wednesday July 2nd – Had a swim in the pool next door and saw the Fujifilm Blimp.

Thursday July 3rd – Farwell party at Mary and Doug’s. I’d like to say who came but totally neglected to record it, probably due to end of holiday depression.

Friday July 4th – Sombre drive to Heathrow. Lunch at the airport then boarded plane for home. Sadness mitigated by the 1979 version of The Plank at which I laughed so hard the rest of the passengers were laughing at me. Stop offs at Abu Dhabi and Singapore before finally arriving back in Perth.

So that’s it. A holiday the likes of which it’s hard to imagine in these cash strapped (albiet somewhat less-irradiated) days. I’ve been back to the UK on my own several times since and revisited some of these places. I hope to do so again once the international situation stabilises. In particular I mean to find that stone and return it to Tintagel – I don’t know what I was thinking.

THE END

Close Bitnami banner
Bitnami