Pacific Rim

Saw Pacific Rim last night, and I had some things to say about it. Spoilers ahoy!

First up, I really enjoyed it. It could not be said in any way to be an intellectual or thought provoking film, but if you go into a movie about giant robots whaling on giant monsters expecting to be intellectually stimulated, you are going to be disappointed. For what it is – a sci-fi action movie – it’s pretty damn good, and highly entertaining.

That said, there were a number of things in it that rankled, and some that didn’t make even a lick of sense.

The weapon systems on the jaegers for instance. Every battle seems to reveal a new weapon. The first battles consist of hitting the kaijus with giant robot fists. Then in the next battle they’re using giant swords. Then they’re deploying rockets to make the fists and swords hit harder. Why not use all of the available weapons from the start? Sure, they were probably doing it to try and keep the jaegers interesting to the audience, but it didn’t make any kind of strategic sense. I mean, why pick up a cargo ship and use it as a club when you can push a button to deploy something just as big, much sharper, and which is specifically designed to beat monsters around the head with?

Another thing. At one point a kaiju deploys what appears to be an electromagnetic pulse and disables a bunch of jaegers. The focus character demands that he be sent in to fight because his jaeger “isn’t digital”, it’s “nuclear” and hence “analogue”. What does that even mean? Is Gypsy Danger packed full of vacuum tubes? Vacuum tubes that not only keep a nuclear reactor running, but can survive repeated arse kickings from monsters the size of sky scrapers? What?

And the whole dinosaurs thing. I suppose I can reluctantly accept the idea of the dinosaurs being the first attempt at a kaiju invasion – although it strains my suspension of disbelief right to the limits – but the idea that dinosaurs had “two brains” was thrown out years ago. And while we’re on the subject, if the kaiju are the same thing as dinosaurs, then surely they should have had feathers?

Then we come to the nuclear bomb. I actually thought the weapon they were deploying was substantially larger than the Tsar Bomba, but I’ve just gone and checked some online sources, and it’s actually a lot smaller – only 1.2 megatons – so a lot of the criticisms I was going to raise are actually not as serious as I thought. But I still find it hard to believe that Gypsy Danger was able to survive being at about 50 metres from ground zero just by kneeling on the ocean floor. Additionally the movie showed the explosion as being a massive rush of water – that close to the detonation, all the water should have instantly flashed into superheated steam. At least the writers were scientifically literate enough to have the explosion followed by an inrush, although at the depth they were supposed to be at (at the boundary of two tectonic plates) there shouldn’t have been shoals of cooked fish floating around in the aftermath.

It was nice that Australia featured so heavily in the plot, although as usual the accent work was not good. “Australian” accents in Hollywood movies tend to range around randomly between Australia, New Zealand, South Africa, London’s East End and God knows where. This was no exception. I suppose we can be glad that no one said “crikey”, and at least they got the pronunciation of “arse” correct.

(While we’re on the subject of Australia, why were they building the Sydney wall four kilometres inland and at right angles to the ocean? What’s that about?)

Also on accents, Idris Elba’s seemed to drift all over the place. At first I couldn’t tell where he was meant to be from, then he settled down into an American, and towards the end started going British. Maybe his unspecified, radiation induced illness was a brain tumor in broca’s area?

My final criticism is related to the portrayal of the other jaeger crews. Both were complete cliches – the inscrutable, identical triplet Chinese brothers who never spoke, never showed emotion  and walked around all the time in clothes embroidered with dragons, and the Russian brother and sister, him like some kind of bear-man and her a bleached blonde ice princess. I think they must have spent all of five minutes coming up with them. And of course, the Russian and Chinese teams are killed whereas the Australian and US jaegers save the day. In a movie featuring the theme of countries coming together to face an alien threat it would have been nice for the US’s rivals to be portrayed as people, not comic book cliches who prove to be useless in their first outing. But then I suppose Joe Sixpack from Toad Fart Idaho would have demanded his money back if the Commies hadn’t got what was coming to them, so what can you do?

All those criticisms aside, I actually really enjoyed the movie. I was particularly and pleasantly surprised by the presence of Ron Perlman, who I didn’t know was in the film until he turned up. The two scientists were annoying cliches at first, but they grew on me and did a good job with the comic relief – the bit with the toilet was a wonderful moment of silly comedy. Rinko Kikuchi, well I’m a straight guy and she was the eye candy of the film, so no complaints there. I was actually quite impressed that she and the lead didn’t actually get it together until the end, and even then they just hugged – the temptation to have them hop into bed halfway through, and/or end the film with a big romantic kiss must have been there, but was masterfully resisted.

So, all in all, if you’re looking for a couple of hours of pleasantly mindless entertainment and like the idea of giant robots beating the crap out of giant lizards, Pacific Rim is an excellent choice.

PS: I also meant to say that there’s no way that winged kaiju could take off so easily, and no way it could fly into space, which it apparently did. Particularly silly scene that one.

500 XP for Dancing on the Table

Speaking as a veteran Dungeons and Dragons player and Dungeon Master, I can confirm that this is exactly what game sessions are like…

I can’t count the number of times I ordered my players to murder small children!

I’d like to get back into it, but I can’t find my sinister robe anywhere. Additionally the cost of candles these days is ridiculous.

I am a Terrible Human Being

For a while now I’ve been toying with the idea of whipping up a kind of anti-fanfic for In the Night Garden – a terrifying children’s show that comes on before Spicks and Specks on ABC2. It would be about war coming to the garden, the tittifers being hunted for bushmeat and Iggle Piggle being shot for breaking curfew. Awful I know.

Similarly appalling is a vision that came to me today of Dolan style Seinfeld rage comics. Horribly distorted and poorly drawn versions of the characters – named Jary, Gorg, Kosmr and Eraln – stumbling around reciting lines from the series completely out of context, or recontextualised in bizarre ways. For instance…

ERALN: GORG WAT IS WRONG
GORG: MY FATHER IS GHEY
ERALN: (Looks startled)

Like I said. I’m a terrible human being.

Into Darkness

Saw Star Trek: Into Darkness last night. I haven’t got time right now to write up my thoughts in full, but I will say that I quite enjoyed it – even if the backstory of the main villain was a bit underused. The constant references to that other movie were also a lot of fun.

The thing that impressed me the most however is that the technology of the 23rd century is not only advanced enough to build faster than light spacecraft, but also – apparently – to rotate St Paul’s Cathedral 180 degrees at will đŸ˜‰

Crazy Bioshock Inifinite Theories Number One

I suspect that the developers of Bioshock Infinite didn’t actually want to use Girls Just Wanna Have Fun in the game. I think they wanted Time After Time, but they couldn’t get the rights.

Why? Several of the other anachronistic songs seem to contain references to the plot and general theme of the game. Fortunate Son and Everybody Wants to Rule the World in particular. Time After Time would seem to tie in with the time travel elements and the relationships Elizabeth has with several of the other characters, and hence fits the game better than Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.

It’s a theory!

Went to a Quiz Night with Justin and Marika last night. Our table came about 5th or 6th out of 30 or so, which isn’t bad. We were actually in the lead up until the last few rounds, but we had a couple of bad ones, and some other tables had some good ones. It was a good night – although the organisation was shambolic with the result that it didn’t finish until just before midnight.

Additionally, one of the questions was “What did the S.S. in the name of the S.S. Titanic stand for?”. The correct answer – as any fule shud kno – is absolutely bloody nothing, because the Titanic wasn’t an S.S., it was an R.M.S. There was a $50 penalty for challenging questions so we gritted out teeth and ran with it, receiving full points for the completely erroneous “Steam Ship”. Honestly, who vets these questions?

But yeah, stunning ignorance of historical ship designations aside, it was a really fun night and apparently raised a lot of money, so that’s good.

Hmmm, what else has been going on? Oh yes, I’ve been watching some Adventure Time on YouTube. It’s one of those series I’ve been meaning to check out for ages, and against all the odds now actually have. It turns out that it’s every bit as good as I’ve heard – here’s an episode for you to see for yourself! (assuming lawyers haven’t swept down and destroyed it…).

Finally, here’s some nice, soothing music by the Legendary Stardust Cowboy to tide you over…

The Pony Problem

The other week, this happened…

The Internet—the global system of interconnected networks that’s become an increasingly central means of commerce and communication capable of bringing far-flung civilizations together—reached its apex this week, after a man claiming to be the fiancé of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic character Twilight Sparkle contacted a user of online community DeviantArt to demand he stop drawing sexual pictures of his imaginary pony-bride. The request was made in a letter that was then published in full on the Internet, which no longer has any reason to exist, having achieved everything it has ever set out to do.

My initial reaction to this was to track down a ‘Brony’ and yell STOP IT!! JUST STOP IT!! NOW!! at them for a while, but on reflection I think I can offer some explanation on just what is going on with this person, and perhaps light the way to reintegrating them into sane, non-cartoon-pony-marrying human society.

I would guess that our pony fancying friend is autistic. Yeah, not so much of a leap given that he’s intending to share his life with the plushy version of a cartoon pony, but bear with me. What I’m intending to explain is why to the autistic brain, sharing one’s life with the plushy version of a cartoon pony might seem like a good idea.

It is my contention – based on reading lots of articles in New Scientist and on that fact that I’m an autistic person myself – that the autistic brain doesn’t draw a distinction between people and non-people. I suspect that neurotypicals have some kind of system in their brains that detects when the thing they’re looking at/dealing with is a person, and places it into a privileged mental category – a category that says ‘this is a fellow human being with whom you can have some kind of social relationship’. This system isn’t perfect of course, but generally it does a good job of dividing the world into two classes – people (eligible for social relationships) and things (not eligible for social relationships).

We autistics lack this system. For us the world is made up entirely of things – it’s just some of those things happen to walk and talk. For us a person is – on a fundamental neurological level – no different to a telephone pole, so we have to learn how to tell what things are suitable for social relationships. A useful starting point is ‘Is it animate?” Another is “Does it talk?’ Yet another is ‘Does it appear to engage in social relationships with others?’I think you can see where I’m going here…

Up until the 20th century this probably worked pretty well. The only animate, talking, social things around were human beings. But throw in film and  suddenly you’re exposed to animate, talking social things that aren’t actually people – they’re recordings of people. And then throw in animation and you can be exposed to animate, talking, social things that plain don’t exist – like magical ponies. Show this kind of thing to an autistic person whose method for identifying people isn’t robust enough, and the stage is set for all kinds of inappropriate weirdness.

Interesting, you may say, but it’s just a theory. Well I speak from more than just a theoretical perspective. Many years back I myself fell prey to this particular social-neurological trap and developed a particularly strong attachment to a fictional TV character (not, I am relieved to relate, a cartoon pony – or for that matter a cartoon anything). I never reached the levels of delusion required to refer to her as my fiance, or to write letters to random internet people defending her honour, but I did spend a substantial amount of time daydreaming about our ‘relationship’ and building up a fairly detailed mental dossier of our ‘time together’. It was all mad as a meat axe, sure, but years later I still think of her fondly.

And the truth is that an imaginary relationship has a lot of advantages – particularly for the lonely,  socially inept autistic. All aspects of the relationship are entirely under your control. Your ‘partner’ has no hard to understand emotions, they have no need for time or attention you don’t feel like providing, they’re always up to hang out, and conversely don’t get upset or offended if you’re not in the mood to see them, you don’t need to buy them gifts or take them out on expensive dates – it’s all so simple!

And while the ‘affection’ you get from them isn’t as good as the real thing (not, in fact, being anything at all) it’s better than nothing. Hell, if you’ve never had a real relationship it’s the best affection you’ve ever had! And the opportunity to express affection to someone, and have them accept it – even when they don’t technically exist – is just as intoxicating. It’s a nasty, addictive and unhealthy trap to fall into – regardless of whether you make a fool of yourself professing your love for a cartoon pony or not.

So I get where this guy is coming from. I think I understand it. But, seriously, dude, dump the pony and try to get out there and find a real person. You might fail, but at the very least you’ll no longer be the poster boy for internet mediated pony based insanity.

Le Docteur Est Dedans

So I was casting about for something to watch on TV last night, and noticed that there was an episode of Doc Martin scheduled on SBS 2. Naturally I abandoned all thought of watching anything else because, after all, Martin Clunes is so dreamy!*

So I switched over and ignored the subtitled episode of Inspector Rex that seemed to be running over long.

After about six minutes a few things occurred to me…

1: Inspector Rex is usually in German, while everyone on my screen seemed to be speaking French…
2: Since when has SBS run six minutes behind schedule?
3: Since when has SBS shown episodes of Doc Martin?
4: The people on screen seemed to be rather provincial looking types, wandering around a Breton fishing village while a grumpy looking man in a suit yelled at them…

Mon Dieu! Could it be?!

I raced to Wikipedia** to discover that not only was I, as I suspected, watching a French version of Doc Martin, but there are Spanish, German, Greek, Dutch and (possibly) Russian versions as well. It’s a goddam media empire!

Amazing! But no so amazing that it stopped me switching back to SBS 1 to watch Bear Grylls eat a rotting deer carcass.

* He’s not really, is he? Poor man…
** Yes, Telstra have fixed my phone line a few days before schedule. Don’t think this makes me like you Telstra!

The Tale Grows in the Telling

Back when I was in high school my friends told me of a horrible, horrible movie they’d seen, which involved people riding around on motorcycles (called “Death Machines”) and fighting with ridiculous oversized swords (called “whistlers” – apparently because they whistled). The pivotal scene was a duel between two of these freaks, the dialogue of which apparently went…

SHALL WE DUEL WITH DEATH MACHINES?!

Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.

WITH WHISTLERS?!

….I’ll drink to that.

Today I finally got around to tracking this movie, and the scene (at 5 minutes in). Inevitably it only has a vague resemblance to our memetic verison, but it’s still worth a laugh…

‘K I’m going to bed now.

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