Get This

I am not dead! Europe did not kill me (despite the best efforts of one of its cold viruses) and I am back in the antipodes where I belong. I am in the process of uploading my holiday snaps, and may some day actually annotate them, but in the meantime, here’s some more rare wisdom for you edification and amusement.

Why is murder illegal?
Because the Government is in the pocket of Big Killing. LOBBYING REFORM NOW!!

Why do cats run in front of cars?
They’ve misunderstood quantum mechanics and think they can be alive and dead at the same time.

How can Red Lobster feature “Endless Shrimp” when there is a finite amount of shrimp in the world at any given time?
Red Lobster is run by a cabal of Cthulhu worshipers. They use their unholy knowledge to open portals to alternate Earths and strip them of their shrimp. Once one world is fully harvested they feed its human inhabitants to Cthulhu and move on to the next. There are an endless number of alternate worlds, hence there are endless shrimp.

What movie SHOULD be remade by Michael Bay?
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. He should remake it, and then remake it again and be forced to keep remaking it until it’s no longer an incoherent, steaming pile of horse turds.

If God appeared today and picked you to ask him one question that he would answer for all of humanity to hear, what would you ask?
So what’s the deal with airline food?

Besides a dinner and movie, what are some great date ideas?
Illegal drag racing against the ethnic gang of your choice.

Like the Neo-Nazis?
The Neo-Nazis are anything but ethnic. They’re practically famous for it.

If you had an elephant where would you hide it?
In the butter.

What’s the best Pokemon version “red, blow, yellow, or gold” and why?
Blow. You cook up with Pikachu and you see all kinds of crazy shit! Charizard talks to you man!

What is the best response to “Why are you so quiet?”
“I’m plotting the downfall of your pitiful species”

People hiding out in workplace bathrooms, whatcha doin’ in there?
Waiting for the chosen one.

What is the premise of the last game you played, explained really badly?
My dad ran away and I had to eat cockroaches to find him and then he died and I died but I got the water.

What TV shows should everybody be watching?
The Misadventures of Sheriff Lobo. If we can get the ratings up in syndication they might commission a new season.

Who was well ahead of their time?
Ug son of Thag-Mammoth-Slayer. He figured out differential and integral calculus but couldn’t do anything with them because the rest of his tribe couldn’t count to twenty without looking at their feet.

What’s the worst way you can describe a Disney movie plot to somebody that’s never seen it?
There’s this chick who doesn’t have legs, and she trades her voicebox for legs so she can meet this dude, and this dude marries someone and I think there’s this singing lobster or something.

What movie deserves a remake?
North. Jack Black would be perfect as Bruce Willis!

What are some of the best breeds of dogs to keep in an apartment?
Small ones that behave themselves when you’re around, but yap constantly at high volume whenever you’re away.

100 years from now, which race is going to be the dominant race?
The Lizard People, after they eliminate 90% of the human population with United Nations anti ‘global warming’ hoax FEMA internment black helicopter cattle mutilation zika Hillary Clinton cyborg camps!

If you can tell a trees age by cutting it and counting the rings, what else can you use this method on to calculate it’s age?
Republicans.

Where were you 3325 years ago?
Partying at the coronation feast of Adad-nirari the first of Assyria.

What’s one thing about the open ocean that most people dont know?
On lonely nights at sea, singin’ a verse o’ Roll the Old Chariot to the waves might just summon ye up a Mermaid fer company.

When will the Muslim plague take over America?
It’s scheduled for 6:45 Saturday evening (but you didn’t hear it from me).

What’s something that you’re guilty about even though you don’t need to be?
The Sack of Constantinople

What is a mind blowing fact about space?
Space has a terrible secret, and only shoving will protect you from it (do you have stairs in your house?)

Which films could be made into the most unique theme park rides?
Un Chien Andalou. You get dragged around on a dead donkey on top of a piano, and then get your eye sliced open with a razor blade.

What’s a seemingly innocent question that tells you a lot about someone?
What do you think of the Insane Clown Posse?

Is the ‘Law of Attraction’ a real thing?
Yeah, it stars David Spade.

What could you make with an eggplant?
People unhappy.

Would it be fun to take some Valium and listen to Enya?
Sure, but make sure you turn her off before you hit the secret track on Watermark where she swears allegiance to Baphomet and sacrifices a puppy.

Is aspergers a death sentence?
Well everyone who has it is certainly going to die eventually.

What material do we use today that may kill us in the future?
Microbeads will fill up your appendix until it bursts and then you die!

Do you have a source for that?
Um……. Dr Oz?

How does a Dog know where a blind person wants to go?
The dog doesn’t know where they want to go, it knows where they need to go

What Would Greeting Cards Say if They Were Buntly Honest?
“Society demands that I give you this piece of cardboard”

Why when we lose our jobs are we said to be “fired?”
In the middle ages it was customary to dismiss apprentices by setting them on fire. That way they’d either die, or be so badly scarred as to be unable to practice or pass on the skills they learned.

How to make the school day go by faster?
Amphetamines.

Why do people distract themselves so much as opposed to confronting reality?
Have you seen reality?

Current or former employees of fast food establishments, what item should never be ordered under any circumstances?
Never order the Extra Filthy Chicken at Colonel Backwash’s. The Extra Hairy Chicken is three dollars cheaper, and you can make it just as filthy by kicking it around the restroom floor.

Why would a cat nibble on toenails?
It’s trying to absorb your essence to gain power over you so it’ll be easier to kill you while you sleep.

Does Kristen Stewart have an horse face?
Yes. She keeps it in a jar by the door.

What’s the best episode of Star Trek, from any series?
The one where a computer steals Spock’s brain and you see Spock’s brain and Spock’s brain talks Dr McCoy through putting Spock’s brain back in Spock.

What is a bad sign of insanity?
When someone asks you what the time is you look at your electric stratification particular fleshly leafed gigantia think about your eight hour day sitting there beside your lounge across the whole globe 60 hectares per day most importantly the next time you go to the grocery store you’ll always see it!

How do you get a Starbucks barista to go out with you?
Speak to them only in Moby Dick quotes.

How can you explain color to a blind person?
It’s like temperature that you feel from a distance with your eyes.

If you were to change a major ingredient from any product, what would it be?
I’d replace the water in Faygo with bleach.

Wouldn’t it be great if we could all get along?
Don’t make me nail you to a tree!

Why is there no fan-fiction for the bible?
There is! It’s called The Book of Mormon.

Why is a lemon so sour?
Because if it were sweet it would be an orange.

What part of the wheelbarrow is the fulcrum?
The face.

The name of which North African city literally means ‘white house’?
Hoboken

Which is the only mammal with the power of active flight?
Sam Wilson (aka ‘Falcon’)

What is the longest river in India?
The Ram Dass

How do cars get in malls?
Fake IDs.

Should Nakamura be the first to pin Brock Lesnar clean?
Yeah, why the hell not.

Do you speak more then one language?
Nein!

If you were Joseph Stalin, what would you have done differently?
I would have come to your house, and danced!

What causes sharps pains in your lower areas when you’re partly dehydrated?
Some kind of gypsy curse?

What would you do differently if you wrote the Harry Potter books?
I’d keep them exactly the same, except randomly add a chapter of hardcore House Elf porn to each book.

Did your high school have metal detectors?
In the sense that the teachers would invariably locate and confiscate any Metallica or Pantera cassettes, yes.

What should a person do, to control his drowsiness while studying?
Drink the blood of your fellow students. It will keep you awake and you’ll be able to absorb all their knowledge.

What would be the rules of a Donald J. Trump drinking game?
You have to give all your booze to Donald at the start (if you refuse he’ll claim you’re a terrorist). Then he’ll hold up all the booze and say it shows what a great businessman he is.

Who would kill you if they had the chance and why?
Paul Reubens. He has his reasons.

Make your case – Where’s the best place to live in the USA and why?
The Delaware Wedge, because you’re immune to the 20th Amendment and hence can have as many simultaneous Presidents as you want.

What about covert harassment and surveillance?
It’s pretty cool.

What’s the best thing to do at school when its a free period?
Plant explosives

You are now Skeletor. How do you defeat He-Man?
I don’t. I concentrate on marketing a range of skin care products instead.

What small thing gives you major anxiety?
My bank balance.

What can’t you get rid of no matter how many times you try?
This bottle with a wish-granting imp in it. Stupid bottle.

Why do some people have kinder, more gentle personalities?
Because they are WEAK!

Why can’t I see my reflection in the mirror on a television?
Mirrors on TV shows aren’t real mirrors. Mirrors don’t show up properly on cameras, so they use a special kind of non-reflective metallic foil instead.

What celebrity do you have a massive crush on?
Dr Alice Roberts

What would you do if the toilet doesn’t flush in your crushes house?
Lock the door, crawl out the window, slither down the street like a snake, leave town and never come back.

Are you see the Real Ghost?
Are you see the yellow sign?

Why do they make swimming pools to sweat-inducingly warm?
Swimming pools used to be set to 70F, but they’ve been increasing them by around a degree a year for the last decade. This process will continue until the pools are hot enough to cook unsuspecting swimmers who will then be fed to Paninatu the Volcano God on his return in the mid 2030s.

What are great questions to ask to get to know someone on a deep level?
Are you a fan of the Pikachu?

Those who have visited Pakistan, how did you find it?
Flew to India and turned left.

What is the dark secret you are aware of about this world?
The world is hollow and gravity is generated by the ancient machinery of the Mole Men.

What food are you craving that isn’t available where you are?
Pickled Onion flavoured Monster Munch.

Anyone catch Mitch Johnson at Whitfords today?
What kind of Pokemon is he?

If you could add one rule or thing to the Tour De France to make it extreme, what would it be?
A horde of ravenous wolverines.

Who’s the best Batman villain?
Iron Hat Ferris, the man in the Iron Hat.

What are the personality traits of Barack Obama?
Kindness, thoughtfulness, a burning desire to destroy America for the glory of his Godless, Kenyan, Muslim masters, and integrity.

Why do dogs lick you?
They lick you to absorb your soul through your skin. Each lick brings you a few minutes closer to death.

Is it inappropriate to cut a lock of hair from the body at a funeral?
It’s only appropriate if you’re wearing your wizard robe and hat.

Who Would Like To Rub My Belly?
Nobody?

Why do you sometimes suddenly get a sharp pain somewhere in your body for a few seconds then it goes away and doesn’t come back?
It’s just Satan probing for ways to get in. Nothing to worry about.

What would you do if a random corgi walked up to you and said in a cute voice “ur getting mugged ‘k”?
Say “Who’s a clever boy? WHO’S a clever boy? You are! You are SO clever!” while ruffling its fur. Hopefully it’ll be so humiliated it just leaves.

Why does Hogwarts look different in every movie?
Dumbledore likes to ‘redecorate’ during the summer holidays. The students spend the first few weeks of each school year figuring out where all the classrooms have got to.

What items or products have a design flaw that drives you nuts?
Even the most expensive vegetable peelers won’t work efficiently on human skin! It’s ridiculous!

What are your thoughts on bowel movements? Do you find them inappropriate at certain times even if you beg pardon?
Do I find thoughts on bowel movements inappropriate?

What are Hamas and Hezbolah?
Delicious salad dressings! Ask for them at Subway!

Is there anything dangerous about cutting off your own mole?
Your main concern should be if he hires a weasel as a lawyer and sues for support payments. You could well end up paying him more than you were before you cut him off.

How big is the music library of the Word?
It takes up most of the third continent of the Deamon World of Sicarus within the Eye of Terror. Sadly Lorgar has terrible taste in music and it’s mostly filled with Backstreet Boys covers and Billy Joel bootlegs.

What is Craigslist actually good for?
Selling your internal organs to Serbians.

If you were a Time Traveler, What event would you Visit?
The Kennedy assassination. I’d lurk suspiciously around the grassy knoll while making strange hand signs, and try to get in some photos.

Why do people wear hats indoors?
To stop the Yithians stealing their thoughts.

Which popular nursery rhymes have another verse that not many people have heard?
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water,
Jack fell down and broke his crown and kill came tumbling after,
The Yellow King his aid to bring did heal Jack’s broken pate,
Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn,

Will a ghost stop possessing someone’s body if they’ve been doing so since the person was a baby?
Only if you pay it off. Most ghosts these days accept PayPal.

Weirdest thing to ask your partner to dress up as during sex?
Rlim Shaikorth, the White Worm of Hyperborea.

What lighthearted series deserve a gritty re-boot?
Care Bears. They care…. about racial segregation!

Every time I surf at the beach and later close my eyes to sleep I see waves crashing. Why does this happen?
You didn’t find some kind of Hawaiian idol out there and wear it around your neck, did you?

Why can’t we remember when we fall asleep?
Retrograde amnesia from when the sandman clobbers you with his bag of gravel.

Parents of Porn Stars, how did you react when you discovered what your child does for a living?
Horribly ashamed. Every time he says he has a ‘friend’ who’s an expert on 19th century firearms I can’t help but weep.

What does a persons car/truck say about them?
Nothing. Vehicles are not sentient and are unable to hold or express opinions. If you believe that vehicles are judging you, please seek advice from your family healthcare provider.

On a scale from 1-10, what is your favorite color of the alphabet?
November.

What do you feed your eel?
Smaller, less impressive eels.

What do you like to do when you need to kill time?
Construct an elaborate trap baited with oscillating cesium atoms.

Which songs sound so much WORSE when you change the music speed?
Baby by Justin Beiber is much worse at half speed, because you have to listen to it for twice as long.

Whats the illness called where people have LARGE foreheads?
Being a Klingon

Why did Europeans stop believing in god so quickly?
Santa’s flight path from the North Pole passes over western Europe at low altitude, not long after take off. Residual radiation from the launch procedure rains down across the continent, causing a rise in atheism. By the time he reaches the US the radiation has dissipated.

Why is it called a “pair” of pants?
The plurality of pants was established by Pope Alexander VI in the Treaty of Tordesillas in 1494. The main body of the treaty divided the world between Spain and Portugal but the Pope slipped the pants thing in there as a joke that no one noticed until it was too late.

Who gets to decide which teams wear darker/lighter colored jerseys in the NBA and how are referees assigned?
The Speaker of the House, in accordance with the 17th Amendment.

Why don’t you like mustard?
Because he killed my father in the Library with the lead pipe!

Why are Walmart employee sad?
The Chinese soldiers hiding in the basement are mean to them.

What Friends episode is the best?
The one where they discover that Ross has been murdering vagrants to make a dinosaur suit out of their skins.

Clerihews

Dr Johnathan Dee,
Spy and alchemist was he,
Who kept his life merry,
By swapping wives with Edward Kelley,

Nicholas Culpeper,
Was a herbal prepper,
A demon he did see,
In a gem from Dr Dee,

General Erich Ludendorff,
When young, probably couldn’t of,
Foreseen that the National Socialists
Would end up his political associates,

Battery Bear Hustle

Battery Bear Hustle: Instructions for Play

It’s 1972 and your bears have been making a killing selling illegal car batteries. But now the IRS is on your case! Your only option is to evacuate the parking structure and fly away, but can you get enough bears to your UFO before President Nixon catches you?

SETUP
1: Place your bears at the top of the parking structure.
2: Place the IRS agents on their Vans
3: Randomly distribute the Skateboards, Flamethrowers and Peerages by rolling two dice for each, and placing them on the corresponding parking space
4: Place President Nixon and the Lame Duck beside the board
5: Each player rolls a dice. The highest roll goes first

RULES
1: Each turn you may move your bears up to five places within the parking structure. You may move one bear five spaces, five bears one space, or any combination between.
2: Two bears may not occupy the same space without Fighting
3: You may not fight your own bears
4: A bear may move through another bear as long as the owner of the bear allows it. Otherwise a fight starts
5: When bears fight, each player rolls a die. The highest die roll wins the fight. In a draw, the attacking bear wins.
6: The losing bear is sent back to the top of the parking structure.
7: If a bear enters a space with a Skateboard, Flamethrower or Peerage they take the item and their movement ends.
8: A bear with a flamethrower rolls 2 dice when fighting
9: A bear with a skateboard may make one free move down the parking structure each turn
10: A bear with a peerage counts as two bears when entering the UFO.
11: If a bear enters a space with a disco ball, the player may roll one die and move an IRS agent up to that many spaces.
12: If an IRS agent enters a space with a bear, the bear must surrender a Flamethrower, Skateboard or Peerage. If they cannot, they are sent back to the top of the parking structure. The item they have surrendered is placed randomly on the board as during Setup.
13: If a player rolls two sixes and President Nixon is not on the board, they may replace an IRS agent of their choice with President Nixon
14: If a player rolls two sixes and President Nixon is already on the board, they may swap President Nixon’s position with that of any IRS agent
15: President Nixon is treated the same as an IRS agent, but two dice are rolled for his movement
16: If a player rolls two ones and President Nixon is on the board, replace President Nixon with the Lame Duck.
17: If a player rolls two ones and the Lame Duck is on the board, replace the Lame Duck with President Nixon.
18: The Lame Duck never moves
19: The first player to move ten bears into their UFO wins the game.

Climate Considerations

I was surprised recently to discover that back in the late 80’s the middle eastern country of Bahrain put a lot of time and money into developing a resource hub (ie: oil refinery) on the British island of South Georgia. A joint enterprise with the British Government it was to be rather grandly titled Novum (from the Latin for “new”) Bahrain and be staffed entirely by Bahraini engineers and workers operating under a special license.

The project had to be abandoned however when it become clear that the workforce – used to the scorching temperatures of the Persian Gulf – weren’t prepared to put up with the arctic (or more properly Antarctic) conditions on South Georgia.

The Bahraini Industry Minister commented on the failure of the project by stating that the situation was “regrettable” but that “nothing lasts forever, even cold Novum Bahrain”.

Essential Information for the New Year

Why is life so mysterious?

It wasn’t, until George Washington broke the seal on the Oak Island money pit and released the ancient spirit of evil known as “Walt Disney”. Thanks George!

What lessons from the Bible can be applied to everyday life, irrespective of religious affiliation?

Don’t make fun of bald guys, they might sic bears on you.

What is the best way to get to know someone when your intentions are romantic?

1: Moonwalk up to them
2: Snap your fingers in their face
3: Say “You, me, ayyyy?”
4: Put on sunglasses
5: Point at them
6: Moonwalk away while still pointing

Point at the sunglasses or the person?

Either works.

What does your dog just not understand?

Calculus

Why can humans sing?

To offer praise and worship to Zeus, obviously.

What caused you to lose your faith in the main maetrs aidem?

The mushroom man! He comes in the night and steals your faith! Sharp of tongue and spindle limbed he is, and cunning! He extracts it through your nose with special pliers! Beware of the mushroom man!

Why is the plural of goose is geese and the plural of moose is moose?

In the 1500s Pope Gooses I got sick of people making jokes about his name and issued a proclamation that made it a mortal sin to pluralise the word “goose”. After some decades of confusion (and exploitation by unscrupulous goose salesmen) the alternative plural “geese” was invented.

When moose were discovered in 1937 the Hearst newspaper empire ran a series of cartoons involving geese and “meese”. Readers found these so annoying that Congress passed a law (sponsored of course by unscrupulous moose salesmen) establishing the plural of “moose” as “moose”.

What do glasses fix or correct?

Uncoolness. If a young person is uncool, they can increase their coolness by 10%-60% by combining black, thick rimmed glasses with an appropriate haircut.

Would you ever watch a new live-action take on He-Man?

Only if it was a buddy movie about undercover cops infiltrating the Eternian bodybuilding scene in search of steroid dealers.

What do they not want you to eat?

The heart of a king.

If you could interview anyone (dead or alive) and they had to honestly answer every question, who would you interview and what would you ask?

General Washington, what is your favourite variety of cheese?

If New York City broke off and started sinking into the ocean, and you could only save one person, who would you save?

That guy who plays guitar in a cowboy hat and speedo. Human civilisation would be pointless without him!

Why did a lot of 90s Dance music videos feature people running with briefcases?

The fastest way to digitally distribute music in the 1990s was to copy it to floppy discs and run them across town in briefcases. You could hardly move through a major city without being knocked down by people running around with briefcases full of the latest Ace of Base album!

You are selected by the Illuminati to travel to Ethiopia with a mission to destroy local priest. How do you plan to destroy him?

Make snide comments about his weight.

He just laughs

Well I’m outa ideas!

When was the last time you were in Saskatoon?

Does a secret Illuminati base 800 feet underground count as “in”?

You can now turn into a fly but you stay human sized. What do you do with your new power?

Head to the local make-out spot and scare the hell out of horny teenagers.

You can ask Hitler one question. What do you ask him?

“Dude, seriously?

Why is the what not but how and this should but could is why?

Why is could but should this and how but not what the is why?

What questions do you want to see asked at the GOP debate?

If a train leaves Tulsa at 9:00am traveling at 87 miles per hour and Superman can lift 200 times his own weight are you or have you ever been a member of the Communist party?

Would it be feasible to construct a launch pad on the moon?

You’d have to build a launch pad on Earth first to get everything to the moon, and sadly – as we all know – that’s impossible.

What would a Romulan class Intergalactic Battle Bagel sound like flying around?

mimimimi mimimimimi

What is one animal’s meat that you would not eat?

Meat-man. I mean he’ll happily give you his meat, but it just seems creepy to me.

You can change any chain of events that you want to, but whatever you change has an equally negative effect on you as before. Would you change anything?

I’d alter events to include a walrus. The vicissitudes of life are much easier to handle when you get to see a walrus.

What are you waiting for like crazy that nobody else seems to care about?

The coming of the Necro-Mantis!

I just got into the twitter scene, what is the whole @ thing about with people’s names? And how do people find you to follow you?

‘@’ indicates that the person is a member of the Illuminati.

You collect followers by approaching people in urban alleyways after dark and asking “Have you got change for a penny yo shizzle?”

What would you do if your dad was a WWII veteran that supported Trump?

Stand in front of my microwave with the door open and hope it changes my DNA.

Michael Jackson recorded songs like “Heal the world”, “Man in the mirror”, “Earth song” and “Black or White” yet people still believe that he touched kids with no proof whatsoever. How could this be?

Well Gary Glitter recorded Papa-Oom-Mow-Mow, and you know about him!

Are autistics the next step in human evolution?

Possibly, if we could get over our social phobias enough to breed.

How many of the world’s problems could be resolved by everyone just getting together and punching Andy Dick?

Very few. But let’s do it anyway!

Why do I get homesick when I’m far away from my family for too long?

Because you are weak!

What can someone do with 60lbs of onions and 30lbs of winter squashes?

Drive away everyone they love.

If you could name the Seven Dwarfs, what would you name them?

Bolshy, Grubby, Gropey, Commie, Scabby, Bojack and Moe.

What’s the punishment for grave desecration (stealing skulls) under UK law?

You take someone’s skull, their relatives get to take yours.

Harsh, but fair.

Why doesn’t anyone on a TV Show or Movie say, “Goodbye” right before ending a phone call?

Screenwriters are all members of the Cult of Squiggy. They worship David Lander and will never write the word “goodbye” – only “hello”.

What’s the cheapest way to ship something from the USA to New Zealand?

Strap it to a sea-turtle and point it in the right direction.

What’s your theory about one of your past lives?

I was a highly spiritual Indian chief who served in the army of Alexander the Great in Egypt where I met Cleopatra and helped build the pyramids.

What’s Peter Pan syndrome like?

It’s alright, but all the sword fighting gets tedious after a while.

What’s the opposite of keeping your phone on silent?

Being Dom Jolly.

If You Could Rename American Football What Would You Call It?

Leathery-Paddington Carry-o-Ball.

What’s the best response to “Hi, how are you”?

Stare for a couple of seconds, then say “Dismissed!” while waving the speaker away with your hand.

How can one go about dating firefighters?

Take a core sample and count the rings.

Why can’t I find John Kasich’s height on the Internet?

He has spent a huge amount of time and money keeping this information secret because if anyone discovers his exact height his dark masters will summon him back to his home dimension.

What would an inconvenience store sell?

Empty Cheez Whiz cans relabeled as “Cheez Was”.

Why do a lot of older Indian women walk with that limp?

At the age of 40 they have to give up their calf muscles in a secret ritual. It’s known fact!

What’s the best way to avoid feminists?

Hide inside your house and never come out. It’s the best solution for everyone.

How do you like to be apologised to?

The petitioner should approach me in a humble manner, with eyes downcast. They should then lie face down on the floor with their arms outstretched and recite “Mea culpa! Mea culpa! Mea maxima culpa!” five times, while gently weeping.

I will then decide whether or not to forgive them, depending on how generous I’m feeling that day.

What creative way can you think of to stop an impending asteroid?

Hire all the world’s pyrotechnic companies to produce vast amounts of red smoke, to the point where the planet looks completely red from orbit. The asteroid will get confused, think it’s heading for Mars and head off to look for Earth elsewhere.

What incentives does a caterpillar have for invading eastern Asia?

All that rice. Caterpillars love rice.

You are paid $50 for every hour you can last in a small room with 3 angry screaming children. How long do you last for?

Am I allowed to kick or punch the children?

No

I’m out!

Is it possible for a dog to digest a celery stick?

Many years of research have proven that Dogs cannot digest celery. It sticks in their appendixes and eventually causes them to turn savage (cf. Cujo, King S. 1981)

If you had to pick one company logo to tattoo on your forehead, which would it be?

Mazda. Then I’d say “Indeed” a lot and tell everyone I’m the First Prime of Horus.

What is the most important thing to do on prom night?

Make sure to load hollow point rounds for maximum incapacitation.

Ex-Cultists of Reddit, when was the moment you realized you didn’t want to be a member anymore?

When they finally showed us what a shoggoth actually looks like. I was like “Nope!” and handed in my membership card right then!

Why can the positive sign can be written as -(-) but the negative sign can’t be written as (+)(+)?

Because (+)(+) looks like boobs and would distract mathematicians from their work.

How close are you to becoming a wizard?

I just need to eat one more broom.

If you’re the spouse of a crewmember on the USS Enterprise 1701-D, and you don’t do science work, what the hell do you do all day on a starship while your spouse is working?

Counselor Troi!

Is it true that breathing nighttime air will cause the lymph glands to fill with pus?

Nurse! He’s out of bed again!

Which is it, ketchup or catsup?

It’s tomato sauce you heathen!

What is your most disgusting poop story?

Once upon a time there was a poop who worked hard, saved his money and bought a beautiful house. But a real estate developer wanted to knock down the poop’s house and build a shopping mall. The poop refused to sell, but the developer bribed a Senator to seize the poop’s house under eminent domain laws. The poop tried to sue, but the real estate developer bribed the judge, and the poop ended up losing everything.

What dinosaur do you find the most attractive?

I looove the sexy neck of the brachiosaurus.

Why are restaurant chefs always so angry and aggressive?

Neural trichinosis from prolonged exposure to raw meat.

What’s the best way to get earwax out of your ear?

A properly trained earwig.

If u take the sun and place it 1 cm from ur cannabis plant leaves, and project a ice beam in between so that it would neutralise the heat from the sun. would ur cannabis grow super fast?

I am a qualified scientician and cannot honestly see any reason why not.

What is the history of Perth, Western Australia?

A British ship commanded by Captain Stirling and John Roe crashed into Rottnest Island in 1902. They built a raft out of quokkas and paddled their way to the mainland where they found the Swan river. They then got into a fight about the length of Roe’s “member” (he insisted it was 7 inches, hence his nickname “Septimus” whereas Stirling insisted it was 6.5 at best) and split up, with Stirling establishing Perth and Roe founding Freemantle.

Roe’s “special friend” Paddy Hannan discovered gold at Carousel in 1910 leading to the gold rush, during which Lang Hangcock built London Court and Barracks arch. C.Y.O’Connor built a pipeline to Kalgoorlie in the 1920s as tax dodge, but then committed suicide when he lost a bet with Lord Forrest over the annual Freemantle vs Perth quokka soccer derby.

The years 1930 to 1994 were stricken from the record, and as a result no one is really sure who’s to blame for Mirrabooka. Nothing must else happened since then except a train station was built at Thornlie, provoking much celebration.

What are some fun and illegal things to do as a teenager?

Teach people about Jury Nullification.

Apart from open windows and doors, how can spiders/insects get inside houses?

Various species of arachnids have been shown to be able to teleport short distances.

You are selected to be a curator of culture for a space ark bound for Alpha Centari. You have 2TB of data storage, what do you send?

I’d find a list of the 100 most critically acclaimed television shows in history, create a folder named for each of them, and fill every single one with the entire run of Lavern and Shirley.

Then set up a hidden folder named The Wire and fill it with Patrick Swayze’s The Renegades

Is Gerard Way actually scared of teenagers?

I would be. Have you seen teenagers?

You obtain the ability to mimic the voice of one person perfectly. How do you use your new power?

David Lander. I’d call him up at odd hours, claim to be Squiggy, and accuse him of stealing my identity.

What is the most pointless thing you’ve ever purchased?

A sphere.

What is typical pay for a member of the Canadian Reserved Armed Forces?

Five loonies a fortnight and all the maple syrup you can gargle.

What bands should tour together based on their name alone, and what is the tour called?

Ace of Base, Mates of State and Bonnie Raitt. The Ace State Base Raitt Mate Tour.

Is anything interesting happening in Britain at the moment?

A man has just thrown up on the pavement in Wardour Street, Soho, London. A small dog is licking it up.

What is the best way to cook meth?

With fava beans and a nice chianti.

What can Donald Trump’s hair be compared to?

A normal haircut. Poorly.

What makes sleeping pills work?

The drug companies keep thousands of children locked up and strapped to beds in special warehouses in third world countries and never allow them to sleep. Every ten minutes a loud, unexpected sound is played to keep them awake, and an automated scraping device collects the “sand” from the corners of their eyes. This sand is then processed and compressed into sleeping pills.

Can Norton Internet Security protect a computer on the deep web?

Norton Internet Security can’t even protect a computer on Animal Crossing.

How would you ruin the country if you ran it?

Quickly and irreversibly.

A time capsule is being made to be opened in 100 years. What would be your personal contribution to it?

A pair of safety scissors with a label attached reading “You will know what to do with these”.

Who terrorizes the terrorists?

The Coast Guard?

What’s the most outlandish Hollywood secret you’ve heard of?

Richard Gere once swallowed so much semen that they had to pump gerbils out of his rib cage!

What’s the weirdest thing you know about whales?

Whales are excellent at poker, but have trouble finding waterproof cards that are big enough for them to easily hold.

What is the most disgusting thing you’ve seen at a music festival?

This filthy moron climbed up on the stage and started screaming incomprehensibly at the crowd.

I think someone said his name was “Kid Rock”.

What is the song “Sugar we’re going down” about?

A sea captain who refuses to curse.

What do you not understand?

The point of fingers.

What would you choose between becoming the most powerful person in the country, or saving lives of all children in internet cafes worldwide right now?

Are you threatening children in internet cafes?

Men who put your hands down your pants, why do you do it?

You want we should put our hands down other men’s pants?

If guns could make any sound other than the sound they currently do when they fire, which sound would be the funniest?

Squiggy saying “Hello”

Does New Zealand exist?

Yes, but it’s full of damn, dirty hobbits.

What’s an item you’d find in a grey market?

Tax exempt whizz-fizz

Do you think there’s a correlation between Muslims in the media and the popularity of Peppa Pig?

Well I do now.

Any good website startup ideas?

Online ordered, drone delivered, instant buckets of shrimp.

What are some shitty things that Wal Mart does that the average person probably doesn’t know about?

Store Chinese soldiers in their basements.

How would you react if your girlfriend was a warlock?

Well I wouldn’t lend her any money for a start.

You happen upon an abandoned semi-truck on the side of the road. You investigate, finding that the truck is full of mannequins…. all with your face. What do you do?

Scream “Mama, put the coins on my eyes ’cause I sure don’t believe what I am seeing!”

Why men feel hot but women feel cold in the same office?

Because all men are spiritually affiliated with Satan, and psychospiritual feedback causes heat from the fires of hell to creep back along the connection, keeping us warm.

What would you do with a gallon of Xenomorph blood?

Shots!

Why are hot dogs called hot dogs?

Because they’re made from black market dachshunds.

How would the world be if communists followed Groucho Marx instead of Karl Marx?

Duck soup for the proletariat.

I’m 18 years old. What the hell is ‘Beetlejuice’ that aged folk speak of?

It’s a star in the constellation Orion. If you say it three times Neil Degrasse Tyson comes out of your mirror and kills you with a billhook.

How many votes do conjoined twins get in Federal Elections?

None. The 17th amendment prevents “carnival freaks, convicted felons and members of the vile Free-Masons” from voting.

Hark! A Well Employed and Housed Gentleman:

Title: “SWEDISH”

Panel 1: A Victorian gentleman in a cape and top hat is walking up the steps of a well-to-do house in foggy olde London Town.

Panel 2: Now inside, the gentleman speaks – somewhat furtively – to a well dressed young man while several elaborately dressed ladies lounge about provocatively.

      Gentleman: I believe you offer… Swedish
      Young Man: That is a service we can provide sir. If the price is right…

Panel 3: The gentleman – with a look of unseemly eagerness – pulls out his billfold.

      Gentleman: Money is no object!

Panel 4: The young man accepts a wad of cash and calls over one of the well dressed ladies.

      Young Man: Maria, please see this gentleman to a room. He requires… Swedish
      Maria: Of course. This way please, sir.

Panel 5: The Gentleman is in bed, with the blankets pulled up under his chin, a nightcap on his head and a look of childish delight on his face. Maria – fully clothed – is sitting on a chair reading from a child’s picture book.

       Maria: En gång i tiden fanns det tre små grisar

THE END

(Apologies to Kate Beaton)

Just be glad I don’t drink…

Burger King, Burger King,
Does whatever a Burger King does,
Spins a web, any size,
Catches thieves at Burger King,
Look out, he’s a Burger King,

Is he strong, Burger King?
He’s got radioactive blood,
Can he swing, from a web?
Take a look at Burger King,
Look out, he’s a Burger King,

In the chill of night,
At the scene of a crime,
Like a beam of light,
He arrives at Burger King,

Burger King, Burger King,
Friendly radio Burger King,
Wealth and fame, listen Bud,
Burger King is his reward,
To him, life is a just like flies up,
Overhead just in time Bud,
You’ll find the Burger King!

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