Category: Silliness and Randomness

The Lord President can do Whatever he Damn Well Pleases

Andy Bell, Lord President of Gallifrey

I was quite startled this week to discover that Erasure’s synthpop classic about Timelord on Dæmon violence in a Chinese garden – Always – was not recorded as I assumed in about 1983, but over a decade later in 1994 when I was apparently so confounded by my first year at university that it completely passed me by.

I could make some snide comments about being behind the times, but when you consider some of the other music being released in the early to mid 90s, determinedly clinging to the styles of the 80s seems quite sensible. Also they threw a bar of 5/4 time in there which is the kind of tricksy musical tomfoolery I’ll always support.

Temperatures plummet when the giant Dæmon appears. This makes perfect sense if you’ve watched episodes 21 to 26 of Season 8 of the original Doctor Who
The Lord President of Gallifrey can’t fly? The Lord President of Gallifrey can do whatever he damn well pleases!

A Child’s Treasury of Misheard Lyrics

A random collection of song lyrics that I have got amusingly wrong over the years.

Song: Hounds of Love
Artist: The Futureheads (covering Kate Bush)
Misheard Line: I found a box powered by dogs
Actual Lyric: I found a fox cornered by dogs
Commentary: Sunderland accents, you know?

Song: Dancing in the Dark
Artist: Bruce Springsteen
Misheard Line: Here’s a joke, here’s some wine, and it’s on me
Actual Lyric: There’s a joke here somewhere and it’s on me
Commentary: I though the Boss was being a gracious host, offering his listeners entertainment and drinks at his own cost.

Song: Enter Sandman
Artist: Metallica
Misheard Line: It’s still light, enter night
Actual Lyric: Exit light, enter night
Commentary: Not particularly significant, but Fabes almost punched me when he heard me singing it.

Song: Twist in my Sobriety
Artist: Tanita Tikaram
Misheard Line: Look my eyes are just hollow grounds, look your love has drawn me from my hounds
Actual Lyric: Look my eyes are just holograms, look your love has drawn red from my hands
Commentary: Let’s face it, my version sounds much more mysterious and interesting.

Song: The Riddle
Artist: Nik Kershaw
Misheard Line: By a tree by a river there’s a hole in the ground, where an old man in shadow walks around and around, in his mind is a question in the veil of the night, for a strange kind of person there’s a wrong and a right, he will never, never change
Actual Lyric: Near a tree by a river there’s a hole in the ground, where an old man of Aran goes around and around, and his mind is a beacon in the veil of the night, for a strange kind of fashion there’s a wrong and a right, he will never, never fight over you
Commentary: In my defence Nik Kershaw himself describes the lyrics as “nonsense, rubbish, bollocks, the confused ramblings of an 80s popstar”

Song: Justified and Ancient (Stand by the JAMs)
Artist: The KLF featuring Tammy Wynette
Misheard Line: They’re justified and ancient, ancient and they’re justified, rocking to the rhythm in the ice cream van, got the plan and the key to enter enter Mu Mu, far from the trogs of the JAMS, on my way to Beebeezak, ’cause I know what time it is, treatin’ on the time, make a modern 99, loose style, meanwhile, own store militia while fishing in the rivers of life
Actual Lyric: Justified and ancient, ancient and a-justified, rocking to the rhythm in their ice cream van, with the plan and the key to enter into Mu Mu, vibes from the tribes of the JAMS, I know where the beat is at, ’cause I know what time it is, bring home a dime, make mine a 99, new style, meanwhile, always on a mission while fishing in the rivers of life
Commentary: With everything else going on in this track it’s a wonder I managed to get the words that close.

Song: Mowgli’s Road
Artist: Marina and the Diamonds
Misheard Line: Oh Lord now I can see, recovery will keep on chasing me
Actual Lyric: Oh Lord now I can see, the cutlery will keep on chasing me
Commentary: I thought this was a well crafted line about the never quite complete process of recovery from mental and emotional trauma, but instead it – and indeed the entire song – is gibberish about being chased by spoons (I suppose you could interpret it as a reference to heroin addiction if you really wanted to). Marina Diamandis has disowned her entire first album, including this song, but I’m still happy to crank it and howl along.

Song: Friday I’m in Love
Artist: The Cure
Misheard Line: Tuesday, Wednesday hard to tak(e) and Thursday watch the wars instead
Actual Lyric: Tuesday, Wednesday heart attack and Thursday watch the walls instead
Commentary: The gibberish filled bridge about watching people eat and spinning sheep I got 100% right though.

Song: Brown Eyed Girl
Artist: Van Morrison
Misheard Line: Gunned down the old man with a transistor radio
Actual Lyric: Goin’ down the old mine with a transistor radio
Commentary: I always thought this was a brilliant line on the rebelliousness of youth, the importance of music to the young and the liberation not just inherent to rock and roll but of the sudden ability to easily transport music brought about by the transistor revolution. Turns out Van Morrison simply ain’t that smart.

Malo Malo Malo Malo

MALO
I would rather be
MALO
In an apple tree
MALO
Than a naughty boy
MALO
Stabbed to death in a Deptford boarding house

(This is really sophisticated literary joke so don’t feel bad if it goes over your head – we can’t all have minds of astonishing genius…)

A Straunge and Terrible Wunder

A straunge and terrible wunder wrought very late in the the parish church of Bongay, a tovvn of no great distance from the citie of Norwich
A straunge and terrible wunder wrought very late in the the parish church of Bongay, a tovvn of no great distance from the citie of Norwich…

For some reason my brain has decided that rewriting the Darkness’s Black Shuck to fit the tune of Bobby Picket’s The Monster Mash would be a good thing to do.

It may be appropriate for Halloween, but I am still sorry…

BLACK SHUCK – BOBBY PICKETT AND THE CRYPT KICKERS

In fifteen seven seven, a town in the east,
Was visited upon by a most curious beast,
And his eyes numbered one, and shone like the sun,
And promised the loss of a cherished one!

It was the Shuck!
It was the dog Black Shuck!
It was the Shuck!
An omen of bad luck!
It was the Shuck!
That dog don’t give a fuck!
It was the Shuck!
It was the dog Black Shuck!

Flames engulfed the sacred spire,
As the last line of defence was engulfed in fire,
A flaming priest stepped in the firing line,
Of a beam of despair – god, he took his own life!

He saw the Shuck!
It was the dog Black Shuck!
It was the Shuck!
An omen of bad luck!
It was the Shuck!
That dog don’t give a fuck!
It was the Shuck!
It was the dog Black Shuck!

All through the church in the midst of its fire,
The blazing hound chased, from the nave to the quire,
On the left and the right, many folk he slew,
Then with his evil work done, out the door he flew!

It was the Shuck!
It was the dog Black Shuck!
It was the Shuck!
An omen of bad luck!
It was the Shuck!
That dog don’t give a fuck!
It was the Shuck!
It was the dog Black Shuck!

A nimbus of light surrounds one crimson paw,
As he takes another swipe, at the old church door,
The people of Blytheburgh, yes they rued that day,
But he also made a side trip to Bungay!

It was the Shuck!
It was the dog Black Shuck!
It was the Shuck!
An omen of bad luck!
It was the Shuck!
That dog don’t give a fuck!
It was the Shuck!
It was the dog Black Shuck!

And in case you’re unfamiliar with what the Darkness were on about in the first place, this may provide some enlightenment.

Investigators! Mount up!

It’s a clear black night, a place remote,
Robert Stack is on the corner in a pale trench-coat,
Got the mystery cases that remain unsolved,
Robert Stack is gonna lay out some trails gone cold,

He’s got all the reports, tracked the witness down,
Who didn’t think that it could happen in their own hometown,
He’s droppin’ all the facts ’cause it’s not too late,
For Robert Stack and Unsolved Mysteries to investigate…

(You can blame Crystal and Robert at Re-Enacted: An Unsolved Mysteries Podcast for this… thing…)

Not Healthy for Children and Other Living Things

I did not invent it. I wrote it down in order to get it out of my brain.

Shelly Winters, Scary Go Round

Every now and then Triple J – the youth radio station I listen to despite no longer being a youth and radio being a dying medium – holds what they call “Requestival”, which is where they play nothing but songs requested by listeners for an entire week.

This leads to some… strange juxtapositions. For instance a few days ago One Day More from Les Miserables led immediately into Push the Little Daisies by Ween, which is likely something that has never happened previously in the entire history of music, and – if God is merciful – will never happen again. As I type, Ain’t No Mountain High Enough by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell is transitioning to Middle by DJ Snake, so you get the idea of the kind of thing that can happen.

The other kind of thing that can happen is being woken up to the sounds of Billy Ray Cyrus and Achy Breaky Heart, which is what I had to suffer this morning.

Frankly it’s amazing that I got up rather than rolling over and going back to sleep for ever.

In any case this horrid occurrence reminded me of the parody version of said song that my brain insisted on producing 30 years ago when Billy Ray first foisted his infamous crime against music upon us. It is not a good parody. It is, in fact, one of the very worst things I have ever written, and the only reason I’m posting it here is – Shelly Winters style – to get it out of my brain. It is deeply shameful and not healthy for children and other living things, so I recommend you stop reading here and go back to your life with your consciousness unsullied.

Still here? Well, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

You can smell my knees,
Smell anything you please,
You can smell my trousers any day,

You can smell my breath,
And choke yourself to death,
I never really liked you anyway,

But don’t smell my arse,
My farting, barking arse,
It’s something that you gotta understand,

‘Cause if you smell my arse,
My farting, barking arse,
I might blow off and kill you man,
Oooooo!

I am so very, very sorry.

Words to Conjure With

May I beg the thanks of Birmingham?

That’s as may be, but it’s still a frog.

Gulla gulla gulla gulla gulla.

God, it is Danzig!

It’s alreet in the heat.

I think we can get more out of this horse!

Playing tennis, in the Herald Sun.

I hate these dreams.

Layin’ earth, burn side!

How sharper than a serpent’s thanks.

Incoming!

Agricola’s granite tomb.

Who let him down the rabbit hole?

Don’t look at the ink!

Can you see my floating hair?

And part of every day.

Sing this pierogi to me.

A hundred thousand frogs per mile.

I am the crab man.

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