Trouble Down to Nonnatus House…
Category: Silliness and Randomness
A Straunge and Terrible Wunder
For some reason my brain has decided that rewriting the Darkness’s Black Shuck to fit the tune of Bobby Picket’s The Monster Mash would be a good thing to do.
It may be appropriate for Halloween, but I am still sorry…
BLACK SHUCK – BOBBY PICKETT AND THE CRYPT KICKERS
In fifteen seven seven, a town in the east,
Was visited upon by a most curious beast,
And his eyes numbered one, and shone like the sun,
And promised the loss of a cherished one!
It was the Shuck!
It was the dog Black Shuck!
It was the Shuck!
An omen of bad luck!
It was the Shuck!
That dog don’t give a fuck!
It was the Shuck!
It was the dog Black Shuck!
Flames engulfed the sacred spire,
As the last line of defence was engulfed in fire,
A flaming priest stepped in the firing line,
Of a beam of despair – god, he took his own life!
He saw the Shuck!
It was the dog Black Shuck!
It was the Shuck!
An omen of bad luck!
It was the Shuck!
That dog don’t give a fuck!
It was the Shuck!
It was the dog Black Shuck!
All through the church in the midst of its fire,
The blazing hound chased, from the nave to the quire,
On the left and the right, many folk he slew,
Then with his evil work done, out the door he flew!
It was the Shuck!
It was the dog Black Shuck!
It was the Shuck!
An omen of bad luck!
It was the Shuck!
That dog don’t give a fuck!
It was the Shuck!
It was the dog Black Shuck!
A nimbus of light surrounds one crimson paw,
As he takes another swipe, at the old church door,
The people of Blytheburgh, yes they rued that day,
But he also made a side trip to Bungay!
It was the Shuck!
It was the dog Black Shuck!
It was the Shuck!
An omen of bad luck!
It was the Shuck!
That dog don’t give a fuck!
It was the Shuck!
It was the dog Black Shuck!
And in case you’re unfamiliar with what the Darkness were on about in the first place, this may provide some enlightenment.
Investigators! Mount up!
It’s a clear black night, a place remote,
Robert Stack is on the corner in a pale trench-coat,
Got the mystery cases that remain unsolved,
Robert Stack is gonna lay out some trails gone cold,
He’s got all the reports, tracked the witness down,
Who didn’t think that it could happen in their own hometown,
He’s droppin’ all the facts ’cause it’s not too late,
For Robert Stack and Unsolved Mysteries to investigate…
(You can blame Crystal and Robert at Re-Enacted: An Unsolved Mysteries Podcast for this… thing…)
Not Healthy for Children and Other Living Things
I did not invent it. I wrote it down in order to get it out of my brain.
Shelly Winters, Scary Go Round
Every now and then Triple J – the youth radio station I listen to despite no longer being a youth and radio being a dying medium – holds what they call “Requestival”, which is where they play nothing but songs requested by listeners for an entire week.
This leads to some… strange juxtapositions. For instance a few days ago One Day More from Les Miserables led immediately into Push the Little Daisies by Ween, which is likely something that has never happened previously in the entire history of music, and – if God is merciful – will never happen again. As I type, Ain’t No Mountain High Enough by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell is transitioning to Middle by DJ Snake, so you get the idea of the kind of thing that can happen.
The other kind of thing that can happen is being woken up to the sounds of Billy Ray Cyrus and Achy Breaky Heart, which is what I had to suffer this morning.
Frankly it’s amazing that I got up rather than rolling over and going back to sleep for ever.
In any case this horrid occurrence reminded me of the parody version of said song that my brain insisted on producing 30 years ago when Billy Ray first foisted his infamous crime against music upon us. It is not a good parody. It is, in fact, one of the very worst things I have ever written, and the only reason I’m posting it here is – Shelly Winters style – to get it out of my brain. It is deeply shameful and not healthy for children and other living things, so I recommend you stop reading here and go back to your life with your consciousness unsullied.
Still here? Well, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
You can smell my knees,
Smell anything you please,
You can smell my trousers any day,
You can smell my breath,
And choke yourself to death,
I never really liked you anyway,
But don’t smell my arse,
My farting, barking arse,
It’s something that you gotta understand,
‘Cause if you smell my arse,
My farting, barking arse,
I might blow off and kill you man,
Oooooo!
I am so very, very sorry.
Splendid!
Yes, this is dumb.
Yes, this is a dead meme from half a decade ago.
Yes, this has probably been done before, and much better.
And yes, I just spent a good two hours making this when I could have been doing something productive.
BUT I REGRET NOTHING!!!
Words to Conjure With
May I beg the thanks of Birmingham?
That’s as may be, but it’s still a frog.
Gulla gulla gulla gulla gulla.
God, it is Danzig!
It’s alreet in the heat.
I think we can get more out of this horse!
Playing tennis, in the Herald Sun.
I hate these dreams.
Layin’ earth, burn side!
How sharper than a serpent’s thanks.
Incoming!
Agricola’s granite tomb.
Who let him down the rabbit hole?
Don’t look at the ink!
Can you see my floating hair?
And part of every day.
Sing this pierogi to me.
A hundred thousand frogs per mile.
I am the crab man.
When Gandalf comes at first light on the fifth day…
Everybody Needs Good Neighbours
With the final episode of beloved Australian soap opera Neighbours behind us, let’s take a look at what some of the surviving characters got up to once they escaped from the devastation.
(I didn’t actually watch the final episode, but I assume Ramsay Street was hit by a comet and utterly annihilated. I mean it’s how I would have ended it!)
Beloved Salvation Army officer and old fuddy-duddy Harold Bishop relocated to Dunwich Massachusetts where he began a career resurrecting corpses at the behest of the Great Old One Abhoth.
His good friend, notorious raconteur Lou Carpenter, emigrated to Texas where he rose to the rank of President-General of the Amtrak Federation.
As both Abhoth and the citizen-soldiers of the Amtrak Federation will confirm, good neighbours become good friends!
Remembering Gruffy
Remember when they added Gruffy to the last season of Star Trek Voyager and he was so popular that EVERY sci-fi franchise suddenly included a walrus? That was so weird.
Guardians of the Galaxy Awesome Mix Vol 2.5
It has recently come to my attention that filming for Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 3 has concluded and – in what can only be described as an appalling lapse of judgment – director James Gunn has failed to consult me on what retro songs should be used on the soundtrack. It’s inconceivable! What is the man thinking?
In the face of such madness I have no option but to post the songs that should be featured, in the hopes that Mr Gunn comes to his senses. So please enjoy what I am calling the completely unofficial Guardians of the Galaxy Awesome Mix Vol 2.5!
1: Run Runaway – Slade
It’s axiomatic that the opening scene of a Guardians film needs a kickass track and what’s more kickass than the rumbling drums and wailing guitars of Slade’s faux-Scottish anthem about fleeing in terror (and – for some reason -chameleons)? Hell, open the film by having the Guardians fleeing in terror from space chameleons, it’ll be downright diagetic! (Note: I may not actually understand what ‘diagetic’ means).
2: Our Man in London – CCS
Not only does this have exactly the kind of swinging big band sound the Guardian soundtracks are famous for, the lyrics talk about rocket ships and space-age heroes. It’s a natural inclusion!
3: Zero – Alastair Riddle
Is there anything more retro-futuristic than synthwave? Yes! The synthpop music of the 80s that synthwave attempts to imitate! And is there any synthpop more synth or more pop than hand crafted New Zealand synthpop? I say no, and offer this unfairly obscure gem by the David Bowie of West Auckland, Alastair Riddell, as proof!
4: Sugar Baby Love – The Rubettes
Every Awesome Mix needs a love song, and what better than this ridiculous bubblegum confection? Half the lyrics are “Bop Shawady, Bop Shawady-wady” and what could be more Guardians than that?
5: Prologue and Twilight – ELO
This would have worked spectacularly well at the start of Avengers: Endgame where Captain Marvel rescues Tony and Nebula, but the Russos unaccountably chose not to consult me. So I’m offering it to Mr Gunn instead. I mean Mr Blue Sky worked great in Volume 2, didn’t it? You can never have too much ELO!
OK, so that’s just five songs, but they’re five awesome songs, perfectly suited for the final installment of the Guardians trilogy. And on top of that I don’t work for free! If Mr Gunn wants to hear the rest of my suggestions (which definitely exist) we’ll have to strike some kind of deal. Have your people call my people James, I’m sure we can work this out!
