Category: Silliness and Randomness

Jerusalem, 34 AD

Peter: Well, it’s been almost a year now and it looks like Jesus isn’t coming back any time soon, so I guess I’m in charge?

Paul: I think you’ll find I’m the one in charge!

Peter: Who are you!?

Phillip: He’s that Saul bastard who’s been…

Paul: I’m Paul, and Jesus put me in charge!

Peter: When?!

Paul: Last week.

Peter: Last week!? Our Lord has been gone for months!

Paul: He appeared to me in a vision on the road to Damascus.

Peter: A vision? Seriously? And what did this ‘vision’ say to you?

Paul: That I was in charge.

Paul: And also that you were a bitch.

Peter: Why you..!

John of Patmos: I saw Jesus too!

Peter: What…?

Paul: Who…?

John of Patmos: He was a lamb! And he had horns! And eyes – lots of eyes! And swords for teeth! And there was a dragon with seven heads and more horns! And there were living creatures! And four guys on different coloured horses and a woman standing on the moon and a harlot and then everyone had to run and hide in caves because all the water was poison and there were grasshoppers with human heads and a mountain fell out of the sky and the sky went away and there were angels blowing horns and did I mention the grasshoppers because they had human heads and scorpion tails and all the stars fell down and…

Emulating the Ocean Sound

The following bit of sub-par Giant Days fanfiction has been wedged in my brain for several years. I have had vague plans of drawing it, but I suspect it’s not really worth the effort, so I will instead present it here as a script (along with copious apologies to John Allison).

SCENE: Daisy’s room, Catterick Hall, first year. Daisy is studying while music plays from a portable CD player.

Enter Esther and Susan through door (dramatically of course)

Susan: Daisy Wooton, what is this noise?

Esther: Did Enya find a mellotron?

Daisy (picking up and displaying The Mollusk CD case): It’s not Enya, it’s Ween. Ed Gemmel lent it to me.

Esther (while Susan takes and examines CD case): You shouldn’t listen to people weeing Daisy, it’s not healthy for developing young minds!

Susan (looking through CD insert): It appears to concern a grown man talking to a young boy about his ‘mollusc’…

Esther (grabbing CD insert): Is that LEGAL?

Daisy: It’s marine biology! It’s perfectly respectable!

Susan (with barely suppressed glee): It occurs to me that a winkle is a type of mollusc…

Daisy (in horror): Is… Is Ed Gemmel an oceanography pervert!?

Esther (reading CD insert): I’d be concerned if someone’s ‘winkle’ “emulated the ocean sound”. It doesn’t sound biologically plausible.

Susan (finger on chin, in thought): Maybe if they were waiting in an extremely long bathroom queue…

FINIS

Is this even legal?!

Pigeon Girl

Fly, fly, pigeon girl, my beautiful pigeon girl,
When I see you flying,
I think about the birds in the sky,
But you’re better than them ’cause you’re pigeon,
And pigeon has much nicer eye,

You’re Maltese,
Just like me,
And like Nathan Buck-a-ley,
And you’re also like that other Maltese person,
Darren Gauci,
He might win the Caulfield Cup,
But I don’t mind,
Because,
All in all for me,
You are my pigeon girl,

Fly, fly, pigeon girl,
Fly for me?

Bye-Bye,

This – I hesitate to call it a ‘song’ – was submitted as a theme for the Pigeon Racing segment on Triple J’s breakfast show in the early 2000s, despite the fact that the Triple J breakfast show did not have (and never has had) a pigeon racing segment. It has lived rent free in my head ever since.

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