The year is 2053. What franchise is about to get rebooted?
In 2050 a bored AI social media influencer stumbles over an episode of Homeboys in Outer Space. The rest is history.
What is the US government really hiding at Area 51?
Seven aliens from a planet orbiting Barnard’s Star. They were sent here as ambassadors after detection of our radio signals and arrived in 1979, but it turns out the trace amounts of argon in our atmosphere make them high as fuck and they’ve spent the last 45 years lying around talking about birds (there are no birds on their planet so they think they’re wild) and eating pizza while the US government keeps trying to convince them to go home.
Do you enjoy clubbing? Why? Why not?
It’s fun, but it does make my arms tired.
Wow, what kind of dancing are you doing?
Dancing? Oh! I see what you meant…
What is your unpopular Medela effect memories that you have?
In my experience Medela breastfeeding products are very popular!
Why in every grocery store are Eggland’s Best eggs cheaper than the store brand?
Because they’re iguana eggs, which are much cheaper to produce than chicken ones.
What does the term ‘Shucky Ducky Quack Quack’ mean?
It’s a secret message decoding to “We Await Silent Tristero’s Empire”
What football theories do you believe in?
All NFL games are fixed by the National 4-H Council and the Nawaubians!
What is the most overrated country?
Neutral Moresnet. Zinc hoarding bastards!
What’s currently wrong with your body?
I’ve lived well beyond the point where evolution expects me to have reproduced, so pretty much everything.
What would the political beliefs of dolphins be?
Male dolphins are quite keep on sexual assault, so probably Republican.
What happens when you replace one word of a song title with “Beef Curtains”?
Your girlfriend walks out on you
What is your favorite roleplaying scenario to do in the bedroom?
You can’t go past Module B2 – The Keep on the Borderlands
With many scandals and outrageous decisions, what are the things that GOP are actually doing well?
Gerrymandering!
What is a ‘bad habbit’ you have?
I kept Frodo locked up in my… oh, you mean habit!
If Aliens came to Earth and asked what special powers and abilities humans have, what would you tell them?
We have astonishing powers of self delusion!
You find a small house in nice condition that’s for sale for $4,000, but 164 people from ages 6-73 were violently murdered there. Would you purchase it?
Hell no! My hard limit is 158!
When did the USA and Soviet Union get nuclear missiles?
The Atlanteans gave them to them in 1879 in exchange for 32,000 short tonnes of bauxite
What is Washington is famous for?
Chopping down Lord Cornwallis’s cherry tree with naught but his wooden teeth!
What makes you feel confident & hot?
Nothing!
What are your thoughts about in Revelation Jesus claiming he is the bright morning star?
I think John of Patmos should have cut down on the mushrooms.
What’s the best pizza place in NYC?
CHUD’s Original Slice. It’s on level 6 of the Park Slope branch of the Brooklyn main sewer.
If America decided to switch to a monarchy, who would be King or Queen?
Kanye West. Speed run to the insane monarch without generations of careful inbreeding.
You just got your 30 days sober token at an A.A. meeting and as you’re leaving some random guy tells you about a bar down the street that will give you a free drink in exchange for your sobriety coin. What do you do next?
That kind of shitty behaviour needs to be stamped out, so I’d go there and torch the place.
Why are you a believer?
I saw her face!
Which actors do you think are closest to the characters they play?
Bennedict Cumberbatch actually is a 60ft long dragon!
What’s a tip to bed a large number of women?
Donating to your local women’s shelter will help provide beds for many women.
What is the real difference between a Navy SEAL and a normal Marine?
The standard Marine is incapable of balancing a ball on their nose.
Why did so many people hate quarantine?
Many humans are afflicted with an addiction to social contact. If kept apart from others for more than two or three days they suffer increasing levels of mental and emotional distress. Research continues to help these unfortunates.
What the hell is Ortochromatic?
A small town in northern Finland.
Why was winter called ‘winter’ and summer ‘summer’, and not vice versa?
Because if winter meant summer and summer meant winter you’d be asking exactly the same question.
Ladies: What would you do if the mild mannered IT guy at work bought you a lovely pair of stilettos and asked you out for dinner and a dance?
I would assume they’d mark the IT guy as some kind of foot fetishist and apply for a restraining order.
What is the point of growing grass in a small jar?
To demonstrate human dominance over the vegetable kingdom!
People who don’t clear the snow off of their car, why?
Well, first I’d need a car. And then I guess I’d have to live somewhere where it snows…
What was the moment that you realized you were gay?
When Seth Putnam told me I was
According to a vague memory, the beginning of the movie a small plane crash, followed by a large group of butterflies in the sky, the movie is almost over when the hero found a green glowing stone in a dark cave, what the movie is called?
Lindsey and Leon go to the Roller Disco
What’s the creepiest subway entrance in NYC?
The one at the back of the Delacorte Theater in Central Park. It only appears when the moon is above the horizon and waning gibbous. You can go in and have a look around, but make sure to leave before the moon sets, and DO NOT board any of the trains.
What does existence truly mean?
All that exists exists. All that does not exist does not exist. Anything apart from that is your own problem.
What are your thoughts on Christianity?
Like any other major religion it has done – and continues to do – good things and bad things, and there’s no evidence it has any more truth than any of them.
What are your opinions on doorknobs?
I have no objection to doorknobs
What would you name a cat-monkey-dog?
An abomination
Do you eat sunflower seeds with or without the shell, and why?
Eat them? How will you defend yourself against vampire pizza delivery workers?
Why do you worry so much?
If I knew that then I wouldn’t be on antidepressants.
What is the greatest tragedy of human life?
That 99% of all humans lived and died prior to the musical career of Heavy D & the Boyz
You’ve been asked to perform on behalf of your country in a world-wide talent show. What do you do?
Ask them what the hell they’re thinking.
What’s the difference between red American state child marriage and other country’s child marriages?
Because good ol’ American child marriages are approved by the Lord Jayzus whereas all the others are in dirty, foreign countries where they don’t have no real religion!
What’s currently stopping you from watching all 6 seasons of the great show Riverdale?
I remain unconvinced that the solution to crime is softcore gay porn.
Describe the time when you feel the most attractive. Do you still look and feel the same? If not, what’s stopping you?
As if I’ve ever felt attractive!
What happens after our death?
Your teeth will fall out and your eyes will fall in,
And you’ll be as happy as ever you’ve been!
What do Non-Americans think of the guns laws in America?
Insanity
What is your opinion on Karl Marx?
Smart guy, lots of good ideas, lots of stupid ideas.
Such as?
A Good Idea: Society actually looking after people rather than crushing them underfoot in a mad rush for profit.
A Bad Idea: History inevitably and unstoppably moving towards Marx’s very particular ideas of how society should be run.
What is the creepiest thing you’ve seen in the woods, or in the mountains, or in deserts, or caves, or in small towns, or in big cities, or in hotels, or in remote or rural areas, or while asleep, or home alone, or while on large bodies of water, or while on an aircraft or a nautical vessel?
I saw something super creepy on a spacecraft once but I ain’t telling you anything about it!
When your girlfriend keeps shifting her eyes to the side does that mean she’s lying?
Not necessarily. There could be an alligator behind you, or she could have an inner ear infection.
If AI had to learn from humans only reading comments on the internet, how do you think it would turn out to be like?
Such an experiment would be entirely redundant as Logan Paul already exists.
Why do you think children scream in public?
They have not yet been socialised to suppress the unbearable horror of existence.
Imagine humans built a transport system to Mars. What would the ticket price per person be?
The ticket is free but you need to pledge eternal loyalty to Elon Musk, God Emperor of Mars before he lets you get off.
What is the percentage chance that a girl will break up with a guy?
Depends what the guy does to her
What is the current population of America?
There are just over 20,000 Americans. Everyone thinks there are more but that’s just because so many of them are overweight.
Why did you fail to invest in NFTs?
I was somehow able to determine that an easily replicable cartoon of a monkey was unlikely to retain much value long term.
What flavour is the clear part on a gummy worm?
That’s the worm flavoured bit.
What are some interesting activities that can be had with Tiger Balm on your genital area?
Screaming until your neighbours call the police
What is your opinion on the US Space Force?
Call me when they build S.H.A.D.O Interceptors.
What cute cartoon character would be absolutely terrifying if it existed in the real world?
Pikachu. It’s bad enough having a rat in your house, let alone one that can incinerate you with lightning bolts.
What would another brand’s Mario Kart be called?
Sonic’s Irresponsible Road Experience
What is the best way to make goth friends?
Figure out how to transform into a bat
What do you think about Andrew Tate fans saying sex is a human right?
Andrew Tate fans would say paint chips are a tasty snack.
What screams very loudly?
The pale, limbless torso that flops around my bedroom floor at night.
If you were to have three deodorants at once, how would you use them?
Three deodorants at once? Listen to Mr Fancy Pants here!
You’re under arrest. What crime did you commit?
Staring at churches upside down through my own legs
If you entered an amateur alcoholic drink-making competition, what drink will you make for the judges to win first place?
I’d combine 50% vodka in a glass with 50% pickle juice, crush it with a rock, then present it to the judges while yelling “THAT’S ALL YOU DESERVE YOU PIGS!!”
What do you think happened in the years the Bible took place?
The earliest bits of the Bible go back about 5,000 years and the most recent about 1,800 years, so that’s about 3,200 years you’re talking about. So my answer would be “a lot”.
What is the point of living in a mansion alone?
To prove your superiority to the peasants!
Which is it? A unibrow or a monobrow?
Depends if you’re Greek or Roman.
What sounds do you fall asleep to at night? Silence, podcasts, snoring, Netflix left on autoplay?
The comforting wheeze of my CPAP machine.
What is the greatest wonder of the modern world?
The fruit corner yogurt pack.
If you rated the Friends cast from best to worst, what would your list look like?
THE MONKEY WAS THE BEST ONE!!!
Who do you think will win in Bible 2?
You mean the Book of Mormon?
What subtle signs do you give someone to let them know you’re into them?
I go out of my way to avoid interacting with them in any way whatsoever to avoid embarrassing incidents. They’ll get the hint eventually!
What do you think will happen in 2025?
Immediately upon taking office President Trump will declare war on Atlantis and nuke the world’s oceans.
Why do you think Humpty Dumpty fell off the wall?
He was taken out by a sniper
If you see someone drowning but you don’t know how to swim do you still have a legal or moral obligation to jump in and try to save that person?
Yes, unless you are Phil Collins.
How come butterflies can mate with elephants but not with dogs?
The Canis Helix is incompatible with insect genetics
Where do you guys buy pants?
Buy pants? I exclusively wear clothing I find abandoned on the street!
What is the best thing about daylight savings time?
It confuses the cows! Damn cows have had it too good for too long…
Do you believe that religion is necessary for moral behavior, why or why not?
A person who needs supernatural threats to make them behave in a moral fashion is not a moral person.
How can a person stop thinking about a girl?
Think about a lovely horse instead!
What is the little table that comes with the pizza REALLY used for?
It’s in case you want to share your pizza with a mouse
You are suddenly teleported to Brie in Middle Earth at the start of The Fellowship of The Ring. What’s your plan to survive?
I’m not sure that Professor Tolkien ever commented on the presence of runny cheese in Middle Earth.
What do you do to get ready for a first date?
Curl up in a fetal ball on the floor and hyperventilate.
What are everyone’s thoughts on the mattresses that you order online and shipped in a box?
The way they expand out of the box is straight up non-euclidian, suggesting that they’re not so much mattresses as quiescent shoggoths.
Why shouldn’t we kill endangered animals?
As the number of members of a species decreases, more and more power is concentrated in the survivors. This means that if you kill one its ghost will be incredibly powerful and take terrible revenge upon you.
What is your best excuse to refuse liquor?
“Why, pray tell, do you seek to release the demons that dwell within my soul?”
What is the longest you could go without internet?
The rest of my life. I mean I wouldn’t be happy about it.
If you were a cozy anthropomorphic animal wearing Victorian clothing and living in a meadow having tea on toadstools what animal would you be?
A mole of course! I would wear wire-frame glasses and a colourful waistcoat!
What are the intentions of the Shadow People?
To have a good time!
What is the difference between erotica and pornography?
Erotica costs more
How do you help a friend who’s feeling down because of a rejection?
Does he like butter tarts?
