Category: Silliness and Randomness

From the Archives

Theological rumblings from 1996

(From the far off days of 1996)

Art thou aware of ye great conspiracy? That god is in fact black? this startling fact was revealed to an awaiting humanity in 1500 AD but has been covered up by white church ministers ever since. Also revealed in the same interview was the meaning of life, the value of 1 divided by 0 and the awful truth behind the legend of the boogy man. The interview took place on July 5th 1500 in the small German town of Holzfaller. God descended in his custom built ’39 fuel injected with triple overhead cams pillar of fire and spoke with Martin Luther for about 10 minutes. The content of the interview was published, but was quickly destroyed by the church. Only a few partial copies survive. An extract of one of these follows.

ML: Now we’re speaking with God. Thanks for coming God.
G: It’s great to be here Martin.
ML: So what metaphysical truths do you have to reveal to our viewers today?
G: Well I thought I’d reveal the ultimate meaning of life.
ML: Well I’m sure our viewers will be interested in that, but before you do I’d like to take the opportunity to complement you on that suit.
G: Thanks Martin, I got it cheap at a little clothing store in Guatemala. It’s real Andean Wool you know.
ML: Really?
G: And the design is by Armani.
ML: Well, God sure is a sharp dresser. We’ll be back after these messages, when God will reveal the ultimate meaning of the universe.

The rest of the text was expurgated in 1605 by Dr John Dee, Court Astrologer to Queen Elizabeth the First. Some of it is rumoured to have been included in “As you like it” by Shakespeare, but this is doubtful.

A Played Out Picture Show

There’s nothing more boring than reading about other people’s dreams.

As is fairly normal when sleeping I had a dream last night. It was the usual incoherent mess that my dreams generally are, involving a 25th birthday party, cows, a storm, a magic book, people possessed by the spirits of ancient wizards and several episodes of Doctor Who. But it also featured a song.

In context of the dream it was by Sparklehorse, but on waking with it still in my memory it sounded a lot more like Everclear. I was able to remember one verse of it, which goes as follows…

Is it a forest in a wood? A burnt out bedroom mansion?
Is it a played out picture show? Is it a happy ending?

I have no idea what that could possibly mean, but it’s easily as good as anything Nik Kershaw ever wrote 😉

Asteroid Magnets

It all makes sense!

Dinosaurs are asteroid magnets. We once had dinosaurs all over the planet – what happened? Boom! Asteroid. Go to any museum today – where we keep the dinosaur skeletons – and what do you see? Meteorites. It all makes sense!

On another subject my work colleague Bruce solved all my commitment issues this morning. Unfortunately the issues in question were merely in TortoiseSVN.

Fun Facts!

Isuzu = Suzuki

The ‘Isuzu’ truck company does not in fact exist. All ‘Isuzu’ trucks are manufactured by the Suzuki car company, but the shame of being seen driving around in a Suzuki causes truck drivers to prise off and discard the ‘K’ from their truck’s nameplate, and reposition the ‘I’ to the start of the word.

Would I lie to you?

Stitch Cloud and Cleanse Feather

Nocturnal ramblings

The phrase “Stitch Cloud and Cleanse Feather” popped into my head as I was falling asleep last night. I have absolutely no idea what it means (well, a cleanse feather could be some kind of feather that cleans things I suppose) but I like the way it sounds.

You see, now it’s quick and easy for me to blog things you’re going to get a whole mess of pointless Twitter-like entries like this…

Tasty Chewy Crispy Smokey Bacon!

Once again I am undone by food

I suppose it’s a bit redundant now that the show’s finished but I just wanted to say that the titles to the Chaser’s Yes We Canberra are some of the best I’ve ever seen on TV. The city of Canberra converted into an array of nonsensical infographics is a genius concept, and it’s brilliantly executed as well.

See for yourself.

But that’s not what I’m here to talk about. Here to talk about chips.

Different countries have different flavours of chips (crisps, potato chips, those crunchy things you buy in a bag). Which is fine, except when your country doesn’t have the really good ones.

In the magical land of the United Kingdom for instance they have two flavours of chips (or at least crunchy, nutritionally void  snack foods) that don’t exist here in the colonies. These flavours are a gourmand’s delight, the kind of chips they’ll serve you in heaven. They are Smokey Bacon and Pickled Onion.

Oh the delights of smokey bacon! The subtle (oh, alright, completely overwhelming) vinegary goodness of pickled onion! No snack food in this benighted nation can compare to their greasy enchantments! At least, none could until now…

Just recently the Red Rock Deli company has released a new flavour of their gourmet chips – Sea Salt and Balsamic Vinegar. While not quite as delightfully devastating to the taste buds as the fabled pickled onion, they’re actually pretty good. The one bag of chips I allow myself to indulge in each week has rapidly become completely monopolised and is likely to remain so for the foreseeable future, or at least until the sour receptors on my tongue burn out completely. Well done Red Rock Deli!

That’s all I have to say.

We need to get back in the Game!

No more cheese before bed for me…

Some kind of worm, at least 800 metres tall, impossibly thin but with a trumpet-like mouth stands over the city, screaming “I HAVE FOUND YOUR GOD!! I HAVE FOUND YOUR GOD!!” The ground starts to shake as a hundred metre tall tsunami – black as night – appears on the horizon and the crowds start to flee. “HERE COMES YOUR GOD!!” shrieks the worm…

Don’t you love those dreams that make you wonder just what the hell is going on in your subconscious?

The Peanut Twenty-One-Hundred

Recipe time!

Follow these instructions to create the drink sensation that’s sweeping the nation – the Peanut Twenty-One-Hundred!

Ingredients: A 250ml to 500ml bottle of Coke (diet, zero, vanilla, whatever strikes your fancy really). A packet of peanut M&Ms.

Method: Drink (or otherwise dispose of) one fifth to one quarter of the Coke. Drop five to ten peanut M&Ms into the bottle. Enjoy the show (and clean up any mess). Once the Coke has turned an unearthly shade of brown, drink it (carefully). When finished, eat the chilled and marinated M&Ms from the bottom of the bottle.

This recipe bought to you by the Foundation for the Worst Possible Things You Can Ever Put into Your Body.

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