The Holder of the Sovereignty

Any mug can do it when the yards are full…

(Thought I’d give this a shot…)

In any city, in any country, go to any mental institution or halfway house you can get yourself to. When you reach the front desk, ask to visit someone who calls himself “The Holder of the Sovereignty”. Should a disturbing look of eagerness come over the worker’s face you will be taken to and left at a metal door in a brick outbuilding.

Knock three times on the door. A muffled voice should answer. If not, turn around and walk away. You may return and try again another day. If the voice answers, DO NOT say anything. Instead wait until the voice ceases, then knock three times again. The voice will again answer and again you MUST NOT speak. Wait until the voice ceases and knock three times once more. The voice will answer, and if you again remain silent the door will unlock. You MUST NOT speak during any of this, for reasons that it is not safe to explain.

Open the door and walk through. You will be in a small, windowless, brick room with an wrought-iron spiral staircase descending into the floor. The staircase will be covered in dust and cobwebs.

Descend the staircase. It will go far deeper than seems possible but do not turn around, no matter how much you may want to.

At the bottom of the staircase is a dusty hallway leading to a green door. If you are truly committed, open the door and go through. Otherwise ascend the staircase and leave. NEVER return.

Behind the door is a dusty storeroom filled with metal shelves and boxes. Search the room for a black, velvet covered box. Open it. Inside will be dozens of tiny fragments of bone, shaped like puzzle pieces. Fit them together (DO NOT sleep in this room, no matter how long it takes to assemble the puzzle).

When the pieces are properly assembled they form a human skull. This is the Holder of the Sovereignty.

Hold the skull to your ear. It will instruct you to carry out a task of minor betrayal against an acquaintance. If you do not complete this task within one year, you will die.

Once the task is complete, return to the room and hold the skull to your ear again. It will instruct you to carry out a task of substantial betrayal against a friend or loved one. If you do not complete this task within one month, you will die.

Once the task is complete, return to the room and hold the skull to your ear again. It will instruct you to carry out a task of ultimate betrayal against the person you care about the most. If you do not complete this task within one week, you will die.

Once the task is complete, return to the room and hold the skull to your ear again. It will tell you the secret known to the greatest traitors and turncoats in history. Used wisely this secret will make you the richest of the rich, and the most powerful of the powerful. Used unwisely it will cost you everything you own including your soul.

This secret is Object 227 of 538. It must never be shared with anyone.

(Yeah, thought so. Easy :))

Things I Never Thought I’d Say – Number One in a Series

In my veins hot music ran

“Of course my knowledge of the zoot suit riots comes chiefly from the Cherry Poppin’ Daddies song and a Kim Newman story about Zorro and lycanthropy, so I’m not an authority or anything”

U’m Raptured uz Bro!

Go Tell it to the Whales

Last week there was a bit of a stir in the local media over a whale caught in fishing lines off Rottnest island. A rescue attempt was launched, but had to be abandoned due to oncoming storms. They did however manage to get a GPS tag attached to the lines so they could go back and free the whale later.

They finally got around to it yesterday (or was it the day before? I forget…). They got the rescue team together and headed out in boats to track  down the tag. They found it alright, still attached to the tangle of lines, but there was no whale!

The media are all saying that the whale managed to free itself. But, what if that’s not the case? What if the whale was raptured!?

C’mon, you (and Harold Camping) know that it makes sense! ;D

And on the subject of good ol’ Harold, he’s announced that the rapture that didn’t happen on Saturday did happen, it’s just that it was a mystical/spiritual thing rather than a physical thing, and the world is still going to end in October. Yeah, you just keep on truckin’ Harold!

Return of the Stovepipe Jimmies

I’m so very sorry…

Well, it would appear that we have an unconscionable scoundrel in Lincoln Park!

He’s entering via one’s windows,
He’s snatching one’s people up,
Using them most horribly,
One had best hide one’s children,
Hide one’s wife,
Hide one’s children,
Hide one’s wife,
Hide one’s children,
Hide one’s wife,
And if applicable hide one’s husband,
For they’re violating all in this place!

The perpetrator need not hand himself in,
For we are seeking him out!
We shall find you sir!
We shall find you sir!
So one may inform this,
One may run and inform this,
Run and inform this scoundrel!
Scoundrel!

We posses your clothing,
You have left behind your fingerprints,
You are a fool! Your are a fool sir!
The perpetrator escaped but left evidence,
She was assaulted by some bounder in the projects!
Bounder! Bounder! Bounder! Bounder!

He’s entering via one’s windows,
He’s snatching one’s people up,
Using them most horribly,
One had best hide one’s children,
Hide one’s wife,
Hide one’s children,
Hide one’s wife,
Hide one’s children,
Hide one’s wife,
And if applicable hide one’s husband,
For they’re violating all in this place!

The perpetrator need not hand himself in,
For we are seeking him out!
We shall find you sir!
We shall find you sir!
So one may inform this,
One may run and inform this,
Run and inform this scoundrel,
Scoundrel!

A Universe Built on Bad Puns

For Tanith! For Verghast! For cold and flu relief!

In the next Gaunt’s Ghosts novel Dan Abnett should have the Ghosts face a Chaos cult called the Histi.

That way they could fight them with anti-Histi-mines!

(Yes, yes, I’ll go drive over my head with a chimera now…)

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