Category: Silliness and Randomness

Mortal: The Screwed

Just had an idea for a new White Wolf role playing game where you play an ordinary human in the World of Darkness setting – Mortal: The Screwed.

The players start by creating characters with skills, abilities, strengths, weaknesses, motivations and highly detailed histories. Once everyone has created their character, they roll 2d6 on the following table…

2 – You are killed by a Vampire. Roll up a new character.
3 – You are killed by a Werewolf. Roll up a new character.
4 – You are killed by a Promethean. Roll up a new character.
5 – You are killed by a  Hunter, who mistakes you for a Vampire. Roll up a new character.
6 – You are killed by a Mage. Roll up a new character.
7 – You are killed by a Changeling. Roll up a new character.
8 – You are killed by a Mummy. Roll up a new character.
9 – You are killed by a Demon. Roll up a new character.
10 – You are killed by a Kuei-jin. Roll up a new character.
11- You are killed by a Wraith. Roll up a new character.
12 – You are hit by a truck. Roll up a new character.

Hours of fun for everyone! 😀

(Yes, I know you can play as a mortal in the New World of Darkness, but I’m a traditionalist! ;))

Do it Yourself Mystical Experience in 15 Minutes or Less

Got no time for genuine spiritual experiences in this hectic, fast paced, modern world? Well just follow these simple steps for a quick, mystical experience!

1: Half fill a wok with water and place on stove top
2: Turn on the stove and heat the water to point where streams of bubbles are rising
3: Gently stir the water so that the streams of bubbles are set spinning and roiling
4: Put on Sting’s Desert Rose
5: Contemplate the spinning, rising bubbles while listening to Sting do his thing

You should now experience something akin to genuine mystical transcendence! (Be careful not to fall into such a trance-like state as to submerge your face in the water. That would be bad. Very bad).

So much easier than, I dunno, getting involved in an actual religion or philosophy or something…

Me China Mel Dancin’

My good friend Mel is dancing…

Doo-doo-doo-doo,
Yeah yeah yeah yeah-eah,

Yemen and his Igor photo me,
I’m on the phone, yous can each foresee,
Cool me down,
Rinse a mouse in front of me,
(front of me)
So that’s the way I felt then wa-ah-ah,
So we can eat a Hilton, la la la,
You’re so mean,
See there the melody,

Oh-wow-o-wow-ow,

Dance on the oars,
Cat fight in a handbag,
Yours, only yours,
A walrus tickle dance bed,
It’s no lie,
Lisa in the crown said,
Meh, anyhow,
Me china Mel dancin’

Oo-oo-oo-wow-o-wow,
Oo-oo-oo-wow-o-wow-ow-ow,
Oo-oo-oo-wow-o-wow,
Oo-oo-oo-wow-o-wow-ow-ow,

Me I’m flocking home giving up for stoats,
As I’m coming down I slip the ropes,
Cool me down,
The TARDIS taking over yeah,
(oh-wow-ow-wow-ow)
So that’s the way I felt then, wa-ah-ah,
So we can eat a Hilton, la-la-la,
You’re so mean,
See there the melody,

So come on,
Dance on the oars,
Cat fight in a handbag,
Yours, only yours,
A walrus tickle dance bed,
It’s no lie,
Lisa in the crown said,
Meh, anyhow,
Me china Mel dancin’

Dance on the oars,
Cat fight in a handbag,
Yours, only yours,
A walrus tickle dance bed,
It’s no lie,
Lisa in the crown said,
Meh, anyhow,
Me china Mel dancin’

Oo-oo-oo-wow-o-wow,
Oo-oo-oo-wow-o-wow-ow-ow,
Oo-oo-oo-wow-o-wow,
Oo-oo-oo-wow-o-wow-ow-ow,

So come on,
Dance on the oars,
Cat fight in a handbag,
Yours, only yours,
A walrus tickle dance bed,
It’s no lie,
Lisa in the crown said,
Meh, anyhow,
Me china Mel dancin’

Dance on the oars,
Cat fight in a handbag,
Yours, only yours,
A walrus tickle dance bed,
It’s no lie,
Lisa in the crown said,
Meh, anyhow,
Me china Mel dancin’

The Ice of FADADES

Here we see another performance from the incomparable, castle-dwelling, laser-building, French master of metal, FADADES!!

Unlike some of his other more ‘abstract’ videos, this one has an easily comprehensible plot. The alien FADADES comes to Earth and lands his spaceship in Egypt. Here he discovers that his precious ice keeps melting in the desert heat. This angers him, and as lightning flashes across the sky (no doubt a result of the disturbance caused by his ship plunging through the atmosphere) he curses. “BAD ICE!! DIE ICE!!” he shrieks over and over again.

Hey, it makes as much sense as anything else…

Extra Heretical!

For those not keeping track, this month is the 25th anniversary of Warhammer 40,000 – the first edition (the legendary Rogue Trader) being released in February 1987. Games Workshop is celebrating with events at their stores worldwide and is taking every opportunity to squeeze as much money as they can out of us poor devotees.

In comemoration of this momentous event I would very much like to make a celebratory video and whack it up on YouTube. Unfortunately, while I believe I would be entirely capable of making it, I simply don’t have the time to waste on something so stupid, and as such I shall merely describe it here…

We open with the 25th anniversary Aquila against a dark background. A frighteningly deep voice intones “In the grim darkness of the 41st millenium there is only….. DANCE!”. The rest of the video consists of animated  representatives of every army in the game doing the Caramelldansen against a series of apocalyptic backgrounds – except for an Imperial Commissar who insists on dancing to Falco instead.

Now c’mon, can you deny that such a video would be teh awesum?

Well, yes, you probably can.

In any case, here are examples of the ridiculous kinds of videos that inspired this ridiculous idea, for your enjoyment/torture…

A Modest Proposal

A herd of whales go racing past

I propose a new unit of measurement. The Heston – which is used to measure the density of amphibians.

One Heston equals 100,000 amphibians per square mile (or 38,610.21586 amphibians per square kilometre). Examples of declination follow…

1 Megaheston= 1,000,000,000 amphibians per square mile
1 Kiloheston = 100,000,000 amphibians per square mile
1 Hectoheston = 10,000,000 amphibians per square mile
1 Decaheston = 1,000,000 amphibians per square mile
1 Heston = 100,000 amphibians per square mile
1 Deciheston = 10,000 amphibians per square mile
1 Centiheston = 1,000 amphibians per square mile
1 Milliheston = 100 amphibians per square mile
1 Microheston = 10 amphibians per square mile
1 Nanoheston = 1 amphibian per square mile

It cannot be denied that this unit would be of great use to the world of science, and I expect the International Committee for Weights and Measures to adopt it immediately, and shall wait patiently for my Nobel Prize for suggesting it.

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