Disordered Thoughts and Curmudgeonly Ramblings
I’m a bat-pire,
Turn into a rat-pire,
Drink blood till I’m fat-pire,
Lioncourt Lestat-pire,
I’m a fang-pire,
Nosferatu clan-pire,
From the rafters hang-pire,
Classic monster gang-pire,
I’m a Vaaaaaaampire
BLEH!
*pipe organ solo*
Why’d I make so many sons I called Primarchs?
And why aren’t half on my side?
Konrad has visions, and Magnus illusions,
And Corvus just likes to hide,
Guilliman’s anal, the Lion loves secrets, and Vulcan is really tall,
Someday I’ll finish my webway connection,
And then I can dump them all,
Got a migraine late on Sunday night so emailed work to say I’d be late in the morning, took a big handful of pills, switched off my alarm and went to bed.
As a result I ended up on the 10:07 Fremantle train from Perth and was privileged to witness a most impressive performance by a young man slapping out a beat on his legs while loudly snarling out rhymes in a very credible metal voice.
“…GIVING HEAD! GIVING HEAD! WANKING OFF THE MIDNIGHT DEAD! EVIL! EVIL! LAND OF MISERY!…”
Let’s face it, that’s better than anything released by Metallica in decades!
My earlier post about the Protomen’s album The Cover Up and their version of Iron Maiden’s The Trooper with each instance of “Russian” replaced with “Robot” got me thinking about what a more extensive conversion would look like. So I wrote one. Here ’tis.
You’ll take my life, but I’ll take yours too
You’ll fire your maser, but I’ll run you through
So when you’re waiting for the next attack
You’d better stand, there’s no turning back
The siren sounds, the charge begins
But on this battlefield, no one wins
The smell of acrid smoke and diesel fumes
As I plunge on into certain doom
My cycle engine roars, we break to run
The mighty roar of the robot guns
And as we race towards the android wall
The screams of pain as my comrades fall
We hurdle bodies that lay on the ground
And the robots fire another round
We get so near, yet so far away
We won’t live to fight another day
We get so close, near enough to fight
When a robot gets me in his sights
He pulls the trigger and I feel the blow
A burst of rounds take my bike below
And as I lay there gazing at the sky
My body’s numb and my throat is dry
A mess of wires where my arm had been
I never knew I was one of them…
And if that’s not enough desecration of a metal classic, check this out…
It’s been unreasonably hot of late (maximums hovering around 40° for the last three days), which means that I’ve found it rather difficult to sleep. I’ve tried what I often do under such circumstances which is to stay up watching weird, late night TV until I can barely form a coherent thought (La Brea seems interesting, at least when horribly sleep deprived) then crawl into bed in the hopes of passing out, but it never actually works, so I’ve spent much of the last few nights tossing and turning while my brain whirls away like a merry-go-round with a broken speed governor.
(Do merry-go-rounds have speed governors? Is a speed governor even a thing? You can tell I’m not all here can’t you?)
Anyway, as I was writing in mental and physical torment last night my brain spat up a really silly idea, which was to attempt a translation of everyone’s favourite Dwarf song – Diggy Diggy Hole – into Khuzdul, the language of J. R. R. Tolkien’s Dwarves.
What do you mean you don’t know Diggy Diggy Hole?! What have you been doing with your life?! Here’s Wind Rose’s version to get you up to speed.
Anyhoo, translating it isn’t quite as crazy as it seems because we don’t really know a lot about Khuzdul words and grammar – which gives me plenty of scope to just make things up!
So I looked up what scraps of the language we actually have, and threw in the Neo-Khuzdul lyrics of The Bridge of Khazad-dûm from the Lord of the Rings soundtrack which helpfully provides a basic grammar and a number of words found in Diggy Diggy Hole despite being wildly different in tone.
And here it is! The first verse and chorus of Diggy Diggy Hole translated into what we might call Neo-Neo-Khuzdul…
FELEKA TÛM
Gûza mêngalaribarâ!
Mênfelakarâ khul!
Mêntakarâ felak lamâ!
Mênorodalarâ khul!
Mâsalani buzra zar
Mak tabandi bazanar
Gilim samil, zigil, nim
Abilul sanzigil bin!
Mâbala ni buzra
Kûman taranasha mâ
Mâzikada ni aznân
Suruk ni kathalamâ
Paragul kurdumâ
Sanbaragul bishkumâ!
Feleka tamahaldi rûza
Mênorodalarâ gûza!
Khahali Khuzd
Ra khafeleki tûm!
Khafeleki tûm!
Khafeleki tûm!
Khahali Khuzd
Ra khafeleki tûm!
Khafeleki tûm!
Feleka tûm!
Translated back to English…
DIGGING A HALL
Brothers you will rejoice!
Dig with me!
Use our tools and voices!
Sing with me!
Deeper and deeper we go,
No one knows what lies beneath,
Shining gems, silver, gold,
Mithril hidden deep!
We were born underground,
Nourished by stone,
We grew in the dark,
Secure in our mountain stronghold,
Our skin is iron,
Our bones are steel,
Digging makes us free,
Brothers sing with me!
I am a Dwarf,
And I’m digging a hall,
I’m digging a hall,
I’m digging a hall,
I am a Dwarf,
And I’m digging a hall,
I’m digging a hall,
Digging a hall,
And finally for those who care about such things, a line by line gloss…
Gûza mêngalaribarâ
all-brothers you-celebrate-imperative
Brothers you will rejoice!
Mênfelakarâ khul
you-delve-imperative me-with
Dig with me!
Mêntakarâ felak lamâ
you-use-imperative tool voices-our
Use our tools and voices!
Mênorodalarâ khul
you-sing-imperative me-with
Sing with me!
Mâsalani buzra zar
We-descend-are deeps more
We go deeper and deeper
Mak tabandi bazanar
No-one it-know-are below-things
No one know what lies below
Gilim samil, zigil, nim
Shining gems, silver, gold
Shining gems, silver, gold
Abilul sanzigil bin
hidden true-silver beneath
Mithril hidden below
Mâbala ni buzra
we-born-were in deeps
We were born underground
Kûman taranasha mâ
stone it-nourish-did us
Nourished by stone
Mâzikada ni aznân
we-grow-did in darkness
We grew in the dark
Suruk ni kathalamâ
secure in mountain-stronghold-our
Secure in our mountain stronghold
Paragul kurdumâ
iron-of skin-our
Our skin is iron
Sanbaragul bishkumâ
true-iron skeletons-our
Our bones are steel
Feleka tamahaldi rûza
To-dig it-create-does freedom
Digging creates freedom
Mênorodalarâ gûza!
you-sing-imperative all-brothers
All brothers sing!
Khahali Khuzd
me-be-am dwarf
I am a dwarf
Ra khafeleki tûm
and me-dig-am underground-hall
And I’m digging a hall
Khafeleki tûm
me-dig-am underground-hall
I’m digging a hall
Khafeleki tûm
me-dig-am underground-hall
I’m digging a hall
Khahali Khuzd
me-be-am dwarf
I am a dwarf
Ra khafeleki tûm
and me-dig-am underground-hall
And I’m digging a hall
Khafeleki tûm
me-dig-am underground-hall
I’m digging a hall
Feleka tûm
to-dig underground-hall
To dig a hall
So there you go. I’m done for the day. Mênmahaldarâ laramâ! (make your own entertainment)
I chow down on a bowl of mari,
Marinara, marinara sauce,
Then just another bowl of mari,
Marinara, marinara sauce,
If you choose to down it hastily,
It will tickle you internally,
And I see nothing wrong with that…
Fly, fly, pigeon girl, my beautiful pigeon girl,
When I see you flying,
I think about the birds in the sky,
But you’re better than them ’cause you’re pigeon,
And pigeon has much nicer eye,
You’re Maltese,
Just like me,
And like Nathan Buck-a-ley,
And you’re also like that other Maltese person,
Darren Gauci,
He might win the Caulfield Cup,
But I don’t mind,
Because,
All in all for me,
You are my pigeon girl,
Fly, fly, pigeon girl,
Fly for me?
Bye-Bye,
This – I hesitate to call it a ‘song’ – was submitted as a theme for the Pigeon Racing segment on Triple J’s breakfast show in the early 2000s, despite the fact that the Triple J breakfast show did not have (and never has had) a pigeon racing segment. It has lived rent free in my head ever since.
I drive ’round cities in a chariot,
I get preferential treatment at the Marriott,
— “Record Collection” Mark Ronson and the Business Intl
The New South Wales right have cocks like mastodons
— “Dicktatorship”, TISM
Now you’re the only one here who can tell me if it’s true,
That you love me, and I love me,
— “Kiss me, Son of God”, They Might be Giants
I don’t think there are any Russians,
And there ain’t no Yanks,
Just corporate criminals,
Playin’ with tanks,
— “The Walls Came Down”, The Call
You see the ANZAC legend neglected to mention,
The mud, the fear, the blood, the tears, the tension,
Dad’s recollection, beyond comprehension,
Didn’t seem quite real until we were sent in,
— “I was only 19”, The Herd
Überheblich, überlegen,
Übernehmen, übergeben,
Überraschen, überfallen,
Deutschland, Deutschland über allen,
— “Deutschland”, Rammstein
Music was a product, now it is a service,
Major record labels, why you trying to hurt us?
— “Download this Song”, MC Lars
I volunteered for the Army on my birthday,
They draft the white trash first round here anyway,
— “Copperhead Road”, Steve Earl
There is no horizon I cannot set my eyes on,
— “The Ocean”, Lemon Demon
God bless the people in New York when they were attacked,
God bless the children being bombed there in Iraq,
God bless the goddamn junkie with a monkey on his back,
God bless everybody under the sun,
— “Something’s Gotta Give”, John Butler Trio
Watching for signs in an empty sky,
We never thought that the rain would fall as the years went by,
— “Children of the Sky”, Mike Batt
Scatman, fat man, black and white and brown man,
Tell me ’bout the color of your soul,
— “Scatman’s World”, Scatman John
Is that what love is?
Two minds with different constellations
Fitting in to light up the sky
— “Octopus”, Alex the Astronaut
I met my bebop baby at the Union Hall,
She could dance all night and shake the paint off the walls,
— “And we Danced”, the Hooters
Tonight,
The sky above us,
Dark and wondrous,
How could you be unsure?
— “Wild Surf”, Ash
Pills! Pills! Wonderful pills!
Nothing quite like them for healing your ills!
My body won’t mug me,
And pain will not bug me,
As long as you drug me,
With wonderful pills!
It has come to my attention that there doesn’t seem to be a decent version of the lyrics to the Chasers’ appallingly obscene yet incredibly funny take on our appalling former Prime Minister’s intimate relationship with fossil fuels. I cannot let this stand, so here is my best shot at a transcription.
COAL MAKES ME CUM by DJ SCOMO (THE CHASER)
Fuck you, and your family, and the essential services you rely on,
Right now – as a criminal – the thing I love is corruption,
Fuck you other cunts facing floods and the bushfires,
When disaster strikes I’m ready to go on vacation in Hawaii,
Coal makes me hard, coal makes me cum,
My dick is always hard for coal,
And it’s only getting harder,
Coal makes me hard, coal makes me cum,
But the thing I love about coal,
Is it doesn’t run away in disasters,
All those build up, and when those floods build up, well, we know what happens,
It makes me hard when I think about coal,
New South Wales used to party hard and we endеd all of that,
So we could have more coal, the dеstroying of fun, I want you cunts to know,
I’m a criminal with a capital ‘C’,
I love coal!
I’m a criminal, Mister, Mister, Mister,
I want to destroy the world,
Coal makes me hard, coal makes me cum,
My dick is always hard for coal,
And it’s only just begun,
Bullying, bullying, bullying, and I want you cunts to die,
China, China, China, being racist gets me hard,
It’s Australia’s fault that I’m such a cunt,
This election is a choice,
For the destroying of lives, people would die,
Attention to genocide,
PM I think we’re going to have to move on…
Sure….
