A Witness Statement

On Monday September 16th 2024 at approximately 5:20pm I was a passenger on a number 41 bus from Elizabeth Quay bus station to Bayswater railway station. I was seated on the right hand side of the bus, in the fifth seat from the back (which is my habitual seat). The bus was relatively full, but there were a number of seats vacant, and no one was sitting next to me.

From behind me I heard a male voice say “Give me your bag”. The voice was insistent, but the volume was low – I initially thought it was someone not wanting to be overheard while speaking into a phone. “Give me your bag” and/or “Give me your fucking bag” were repeated two or three times total, followed by “Give me your bag or I’ll punch you”, which made me realise that it was unlikely to be someone talking on a phone.

This was followed by the sounds of a brief scuffle, including a yelp in a female voice, and an individual in a camouflage pattern hoodie (Individual 1) passed my seat at speed, carrying a woman’s handbag. He was followed by a young man in a baseball cap (Individual 2). Both men reached the rear door of the bus, where they were confronted by several other passengers, at least one woman (not the bag’s owner) loudly demanding that they give the bag back.

I do not recall exactly when the bus stopped in relation to these events, but by this point it was stationary at the Lord St After Bulwer St stop. Individual 2 grabbed the window-smashing hammer from above the door, I believe in an attempt to operate the emergency exit release. By now I had risen to my feet and was taking photographs with my phone.

The rear door of the bus then opened and the two individuals fled, running northeast along Lord Street and turning left onto either Windsor or Lincoln Streets.

A young woman (who I believe to have been accompanying the owner of the bag) made an attempt to follow the two individuals, but was dissuaded by other passengers on the basis that she would be putting herself at risk of violence. There was a fair amount of discussion between the passengers, the driver and another Transport employee who was present having been riding in the front seat to the left of the driver. I informed this employee that I had a clear photograph of Individual 2, but he indicated that the camera at the front of the bus would have captured both of them.

It was around this point that individual 2 appeared back around the corner, carrying the bag. He approached the bus, holding the bag out, placed it on the curb about 30 metres from the bus, then fled back around the corner. A passenger retrieved the bag and bought it back to the bus, where the owner checked it an confirmed that nothing seemed to be missing.

I obtained the mobile number of the bag’s owner and SMSed her the one photograph that clearly captured the face of Individual 2. She and her friend then left the bus, and the driver continued on the route.

I took a total of four photographs, one of which clearly shows the face of Individual 2, and shows him (I believe) attempting to operate the emergency exit button on the door.

Land of Misery

Got a migraine late on Sunday night so emailed work to say I’d be late in the morning, took a big handful of pills, switched off my alarm and went to bed.

As a result I ended up on the 10:07 Fremantle train from Perth and was privileged to witness a most impressive performance by a young man slapping out a beat on his legs while loudly snarling out rhymes in a very credible metal voice.

“…GIVING HEAD! GIVING HEAD! WANKING OFF THE MIDNIGHT DEAD! EVIL! EVIL! LAND OF MISERY!…”

Let’s face it, that’s better than anything released by Metallica in decades!

The Immunisation Blues

Friday Morning: It’s my day off! Three day weekend! I’m gonna get so much done! Starting with that COVID booster I’ve been putting off!

Friday Afternoon: Hmm, I’m feeling a bit sleepy. A nap couldn’t hurt!

Saturday Morning: Yep, I really should have remembered how COVID boosters affect me when planning my awesome weekend…

Exothermic

Building a device to filter the isopropyl alcohol I use for stripping paint from models, and reinforcing some joins with string and superglue.

Remember that cyanoacrylate reacts exothermically with cotton!

Reason that nothing has happened so far, so presumably the cheap string I’m using doesn’t contain cotton.

Shrug and continue.

Five minutes later, smoke starts seeping from the joins.

“Oh, son of a…”

No Sex Please, We’re Different

Call me autistic, but it’s kind of weird to consider that not only may your own friends think about things in ways wildly differently to how you think about them, but that they may not realise just how different your viewpoints are.

Some years ago a good friend of mine breathlessly informed me that a woman we both knew was apparently extremely keen to sleep with me. I did not find the woman in question particularly attractive – not least because of her cigarette habit – so replied that I might consider said activity if she quit smoking.

My friend reacted as if I’d suddenly sprouted two extra heads and started singing the Whiffenpoof Song in Spanish. He was genuinely, mouth-hanging-open stunned. It was as if the concept of someone voluntarily turning down an opportunity for sex was completely alien to his thinking and understanding of the world. He shook his head back and forth uttering a confused series of ‘no’s and ‘but’s, and once he gained control of himself kept glancing at me as if I was some kind of Lovecraftian horror in the form of a human being.

So yeah. The way you think about the world is not the way everyone things about the world.

(Either that or my standards are too high…)

The Saga of Denys the Four Eyed

Right side of nose sore and inflamed from glasses nose-pad.

Visit doctor. Doctor says change to soft pads.

Visit glasses store. Gets pads changed to soft.

Right side of nose still sore and inflamed.

Decide I have to put up with it.

Start applying band-aids to protect side of nose.

Spend months applying band-aids to protect side of nose.

Right side of nose still sore and inflamed.

Today – take off glasses to apply band-aid. Glance at glasses resting on table.

Right nose-pad arm is bent inwards at about 45 degrees.

Carefully bend right nose-pad arm back to match left nose-pad arm.

Put on glasses.

Fit perfectly with no pressure on side of nose.

“OH, SON OF A…”

Well that explains THAT

I had a really rough week mental health wise – feeling anxious, not sleeping well, all tired and stressed from not sleeping well, the works. I decided to have an early night on Thursday and was prepping the pills I take before bed (yes, I have reached that age) when I noticed that the paracetamol tablets I’d been taking weren’t just paracetamol…

They were paracetamol plus caffeine.

*sigh*

I Watch the Room fill with Colombians…

Me, today, 8:30am as my bus mounts the curb to get around a decapitated cherry picker at the Mount Lawley subway:

Bet this is the wildest public transport event of my day!

Me, today, 6:30pm, crushed into a corner of a bus wedged full of Colombians in the middle of a hellish traffic jam:

Well shit

Badger Strangling and the Laws of Weapons

I am having the kind of weekend that would make Saint Francis of Assisi strangler a badger. I’ve got a long list of things I need or want to get done, but every time I start on one I’m immediately blocked by either disruptions to public transport or unexpected consequences of past decisions. It’s unutterably frustrating, so much so that if anyone had even glanced at me sideways during my last attempt to get something done I would have been hard pressed not to scream and physically attack them.

So it’s no wonder that my mind has turned to weapons.

Many years ago I read an essay by the great writer Isaac Asimov in which he discussed how his famous Three Laws of Robotics were actually a specific implementation of a more general Three Laws of Tools. For those unfamiliar with the Laws of Robotics they are…

1: A robot shall not harm a human, or through inaction allow a human to come to harm.
2: A robot shall obey the instructions given to it by a human, except where this would conflict with the first law.
3: A robot shall preserve its own existence, except where this would conflict with the first or second laws.

(There’s also a ‘zeroth’ law that Asimov introduced later, but we’re not worrying about that for this discussion.)

In his essay Asimov reformulated these into his Three Laws of Tools:

1: A tool shall not harm a human, or through malfunction allow a human to come to harm.
2: A tool shall do what the user intends, except where this would conflict with the first law.
3: A tool shall not break, except where this would conflict with the first or second laws.

In deriving these Laws he mentioned that they do not apply to weapons, and even speculated as to whether weapons should be considered a specialised subset of tools, or not even count as tools altogether.

It was the non-applicability of Asimov’s laws to weapons that I found myself thinking about the other day. Could a similar set of Laws could be created to cover the very deliberate harm-causing nature of weapons? After a bit of mental back and forth I realised that Asimov’s Laws – although stated as Laws – are actually carefully ranked priorities, and looking at things that way eventually allowed me to tweak them into the Three Laws of Weapons:

1: A weapon shall not harm a non-target or through malfunction or inaction allow a non-target to come to harm.
2: A weapon shall do what its operator intends, unless this would conflict with the first law.
3: A weapon shall not harm itself unless this contradicts the first or second laws.

The crucial difference is of course the division of humans into people you want to harm – targets – and people you don’t want to harm – non-targets. Once that’s done the laws work perfectly.

So, now you know the Three Laws of Weapons. Try not to need them.

Hear the world of Zardoz! An Exterminator shall not harm a non-Brutal or through inaction allow a non-Brutal to come to harm…
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