Lies – Page 2 – Wyrmlog

Imaginary Language Relay Number One

The Fable of the Ships
(After 8 rounds of translation)

A newly wed Bride went to visit a Wizard.

“Why do we call down the stars upon our ships?” she asked

“We put the stars on our great sails as lanterns to guide our ships to safe harbour” he answered.

“What about those that sink?” she asked

“When an evil sorceror climbs to a high point to cast a spell, he throws a burning brand into the sea” explained the wizard

“Can this magic only be done at night?” asked the Bride

“If I had only a little more knowledge I would turn you into a frog!” answered the Wizard

“That would be good” said the Bride

The Great Fleet
(Original Text)

A young girl was speaking with her Great-Father.

“Why do we call the stars the Great Fleet?”

“The stars are the mast-lanterns of the Great-Parents. They shine in the night to guide our spirits home.”

“And what of falling stars?”

“Sometimes when one of the Great-Parents climbs the mast to light the lantern they drop their taper and it falls into the ocean.”

“Then why don’t falling stars appear only at dusk?”

“Don’t be too clever little one, or the Great-Parents will turn you into a seal-pup!”

“I’ll be good!”

A Message from the BiUnity(TM) Quantum Crystal System

A unique new way we’ve figured out to to prize money from the hand of the gullible

The BiUnity(TM) Quantum Crystal System is a unique new way we’ve figured out to to prize money from the hand of the gullible using the exciting field of Harmony Block Transfer Computation Renewal – a type of science we’ve just made up!

This unique system was developed by Dr Hiram Q. Chuzzlewit (holder of a Doctorate in Applied Scientism from the Yorba Linda School of Correspondence) based on information ‘bought back’ after he hit his head on a doorway and felt woozy for a few minutes – and wastes more CPU clock cycles than any comparable product!

BiUnity(TM) is the first system of its kind to use a computer to do absolutely nothing while convincing you it’s doing something by bombarding you with a load of meaningless gibberish peppered with new-age keywords such “energy”, “vibration”, “fractal” and “harmony”. It also displays pretty patterns that can be used to hypnotise your pets and less intelligent relatives!

(If there are any less intelligent than you!)

BiUnity(TM) leads the way in selling you overpriced pieces of rock crystal with wires attached in the hope that you’ll think these can somehow “transmit information” to your body in direct contravention of well established physical and biological principles!

Federal law prevents us from presenting any testimonials about BiUnity(TM) (as we’d then have to submit it for assessment by the FDA and our whole little money making scheme would collapse around our ears when they announce it’s just some lumps of rock crudely wired up to USB plugs and a cheap graphics demo program) but here’s a completely unrelated story we’d like you to read…

“I used to get terrible headaches from the CIA using lasers to shoot messages into my brain. Now whenever I feel a headache start I simply beat myself in the head with my BiUnity(TM) crystal probes until I pass out and then I feel much better! Thank you BiUnity(TM)!” — Arthur P’Tang P’Tang Owlett, Toledo, Ohio

So if you’ve got more money than sense and honestly believe paying $5,000 for some lumps of rock and cheap software will make your life better, we want to hear from you! Google BiUnity(TM) Quantum Crystal System today!

A Reading from the Book of Truth

All are the three and of the three

The document now known as The Book of Truth was discovered in southern Namibia in 2004, apparently having been deposited by a temporal wormhole of the kind now known to spontaneously occur in that region. Although the date of authorship is unknown, temporal studies have suggested that it originates from at least 4oo years in the future, and (based on isotope readings of the ink) was probably produced in east Asia.

The document is in the form of a slim booklet, hand written on coarse paper, bound with a leather cover fastened with clasps of poor quality steel. Carbon dating of the paper suggests that the document is between 100 and 150 years old. It is written in a language barely recognisable as English, displaying a heavy influence from a south Slavic language – most likely a dialect of Croatian. Translation of the text has been hindered by the fact that the metal components of the work are highly radioactive, whether this is an effect of the time-travel process, or due to environmental factors at the point of origin is currently unknown.

What translation has been possible suggests that the work is religious and philosophical in nature. Extracts from the first two chapters (which are divided into numbered verses) are presented below.

Chapter 1
1: All in creation is composed of the three, and the three are that which is Good, that which is Evil and that which is neither, and the names of the three are potos, ekos and notos.
2: In the moment of creation was made hadaz, the water of the heavens. And hadaz was formed both good and evil.
3: And hadaz did beget the stars, and the stars did beget all. The metal and stones, the air and waters, all that is living and non-living.
4: And all are the three and of the three.
5: Potos and notos shall gather together as a fly in the temple of the wise. And ekos shall weave around them a veil.
6: And the veil shall be many layered and the outmost veil shall be most highly regarded when complete.
7: And the ekos within the veil shall be where it is not, and none that knows where it is shall know where it will be, for there it is not, though it is.
8: And all that is real shall ascend.

Chapter 2
1: That which is light is strong, but that which is heavy is weak and its weakness will be shown when struck.
2: That which is the heaviest is the weakest and in its breaking is poison, but the poison may be harnessed by the wise for acts of power.
3: But the poison of the breaking shall last for a thousand years and corrupt the earth and vex the wise.
4: For it is not the power of the stars, and the power of the stars and the blending of the hadaz shall evade the very wisest.

Reminisces

Don’t talk to me about the Kings of Leon!

The Kings of Leon. The Kings of Leon were a pack of bastards. Obsessed with reconquering Iberia from the Moors. “Hey” I’d say to them “The Moors aren’t that bad. They’re people just like you”. “But they’re evil!” they’d say “The Pope says so!” and how can you really argue against the Pope?

The Kings of Aragon were just as bad, with the added complication of an appalling amount of inbreeding. Knock-kneed, hump-backed dwarves the lot of them. And the lisps! A five minute conversation with one of them and you’d need a shower and change of clothes. And believe me, showering facilities in 12th century Zaragoza weren’t exactly up to scratch.

The food was great though – Aragon had the best cooks in the whole of Iberia. A meal at the royal court was almost worth all the spit. Some people will tell you the palace of Cordova was the place for fine cuisine, but the Umayyads had nothing on the cooks of Aragon. The things they could do with a duck, some cloves and some oranges would make you weep.

Charlemagne, he was a decent sort. Great company – the stories he could tell! I remember one time he had the whole Synod of Frankfurt in hysterics with a story about a gluttonous donkey. His one big regret was never learning to write properly. “Charlie” I’d say “You’ve got scribes to handle that for you”, but he was always embarrassed about it. “Even Abul can write better than I!” he’d exclaim and throw his quill (or when drunk – as he often was – his flagon) across the room, and his wife would have to talk him down and remind him that Abul was an elephant and hence couldn’t write at all. But apart from that he was a great bloke.

Can’t say the same about Pippin, but that’s another story.

Torgo Spotters’ Guide

Not in the least bit true

Torgo features as the main villain in the following episodes of the classic series.

Torgo, Torgo’s Invasion of Earth, The Chase (Featuring Torgo), Torgo’s Master Plan, The Power of Torgo, The Evil of Torgo, The Day of Torgo, The Planet of Torgo, Death to Torgo, The Genesis of Torgo, The Destiny of Torgo, The Resurrection of Torgo, The Revelation of Torgo, and The Rememberance of Torgo.

He also briefly appears in a number of other episodes including The Hand Museum.

The appearance of his knees varied over time. In the earliest episodes the knees were primitive metal attachments that required manual operation by the actor. By the 1980s they were remote controlled by a stagehand, allowing the actor to concentrate on looking shifty and spouting ridiculous lines of dialogue in a halting voice.

(An actual sensible entry will probably be made later in the week)

Fun Facts You Never Knew!

If you believe any of this then you seriously need help.

1: Larry Gelbart – creator of TV series M*A*S*H – based many of the show’s characters on inhabitants of Allerton Illinois, the town where he grew up. Frank Burns was based on a neighbour who yelled at him for stealing apples, and B.J.Hunnicutt on an escaped circus hound that lived at a nearby junkyard.

2: The Gnu is not (as often assumed) an antelope. It is a species of warthog that evolved to fill the ecological niche left vacant by the schiessbok antelope when it became extinct around 12,000 years ago.

3: Most post offices are legally entitled to accept fingers in lieu of 10c stamps. Given steep rises in postage costs it is vitally important to make sure that one has correct change before attempting to send packages through the mail.

Lies! All Lies!

Barnes Wallis vs The Clash

Her Majesty’s Artillery Barrage, Brixton – more commonly referred to as the Guns of Brixton – is a military installation in southern London. Constructed under the direct supervision of Barnes Wallis in 1940 it was paired with a similar installation in the north London suburb of Leyton (known as ‘the Guns of Leyton’ – demolished in 1962).

The installation consists of eight ‘Boadicea’ class artillery pieces each standing 8.3 metres high with a barrel length of 30.5 metres and capable of firing once a minute. In full operation the facility consumes 40 tonnes of coal an hour (supplied by a branch line from Herne Hill railway station), projecting a ‘fire screen’ of burning coal fragments to an altitude of 1400 metres, protecting most of southern London from bombing attacks.

Barnes Wallis built the guns ‘out of his head’ with very few designs and under intense pressure. As such none of the guns are exactly alike, and many of the technical innovations he devised are poorly understood. This – combined with the fire screen’s tendancy to intefere with radar sensing and inability to defend against nuclear attack – prevented similar facilities being constructed after the war.

Several attempts to build smaller versions of the guns – mostly as an aid to figuring out how they work – have been made, but all have met with failure. Many prominant engineers have informally stated that the guns should not function at all. They remain fully operational however and are sometimes fired during times of special celebration – lighting up the entire south London sky. This practise is limited however by the need to ground all aircraft several hours before, and shut down Heathrow, Gatwick and London City Airports. The most recent firing was during the Queen’s 80th birthday celebrations in 2006.

The Guns of Brixton Experience is a tourist attraction based around the guns and operated by the National Trust. It opened in 1998 and operates guided tours several times a day.

The Guns of Brixton are counted as one of the Seven Wonders of the Second World War, along with the HMS Habakkuk making up the total British contribution to the list.

Snow!

I am shocked. Shocked and appalled.

Every Thursday morning on Triple J they have a sing-a-long. They choose a song on the Wednesday morning, put the lyrics on the Breakfast Show website, and then at 6:30 the next day play it, so people around the nation can join in. This week the song was Informer by early 90’s white boy Canadian rapper Snow.

All well and good. Except I went to the site to check out the lyrics and well, I don’t know where they got them from, but they’re ridiculously wrong!

For instance, they claim the chorus goes…

Informer,
You no say daddy me Snow me I’ll go blame,
A licky boom boom down,
Detective mon said daddy me Snow me stab someone down the lane,
A licky boom boom down,

When everyone knows it goes…

Informer,
You know say diddly sonne I go blam,
A leque boom boom Deanne,
Take the money siddly sonne somme dat,
Slumber down éan,
A leque boom boom Deanne,

And the first verse goes…

Police adumuno commie now they blow down me door,
Bring the capacho to me window,
So then they put me in the botte car at the station,
From that point on I reach me destination,
And the destination is banana east detention,
Where they whipped down me pants look up me bottom,

Not…

Police them come an’ now they blow down me door,
One him come crawl through through my window,
So then they put me in the back the car at the station,
From that point on me reach my destination,
When the destination reached it was the east detention,
Where them whipped down me pants looked up me bottom,

I can understand how they might think their version makes more “sense”, but the fact is that Snow, being a good Canadian, raps at least half of the song in Quebecoi French. Trying to interpret these French bits as English just leads to misunderstandings. I mean, which is a more intreaging and enduring image? A policeman crawling through your window, or a policeman bringing a “capacho” (a tasty Latin American foodstuff) to your window? And the sheer poetry of “A leque boom boom Deanne” beats out the inanity of “A licky boom boom down” any day.

Shame Triple J! Shame! ;-D