Disordered Thoughts and Curmudgeonly Ramblings
Were it not a violation of God’s law I’d marry this map…
Map of Norrilund (Big PDF file Warning!)
It’s a genius steampunk remix of London by one “Handsome Rob” and is so rich in detail and language that it feels like somewhere you could actually visit. If I could produce just one conworld artifact as good as this, I’d die a happy man.
Good show sir! Jolly good show!
Kell on the other hand can’t stand it…
(With profound apologies to Pig with the Face of a Boy)
I had a little stormbolter,
He was my only friend,
I took him to the holoshow,
And loved him ’till the end,
I had a little barking toad,
On my windowsill,
And he ate all the flies,
That came in my room,
Please don’t tread on my stormbolter,
He’s my only friend in the whole wide world,
Please don’t tread on my stormbolter,
Or I’ll have to cut your head off, with a blunt chainsword,
I had a little plasma gun, I shot it at a Tau,
I fired off six shots and I burnt my hand on the grip,
I stole a Sister’s laud-hailer and used it to do this,
CREEEEEEED!!!
But then a Necron broke it so I damaged all his face,
Please don’t tread on my stormbolter,
He’s my only friend in the whole wide world,
Please don’t tread on my stormbolter,
Or I’ll have to wipe the remnants of your insides off my face,
Please don’t tread on my little barking toad,
He’s my only, only friend in the whole wide world,
He was little, and green, and he kept me free from flies,
Until someone trod on him, and he exploded, destroying everything for a radius of approximately one kilometre,
And it was very, very sad,
Please don’t tread on my stormbolter,
He’s my only friend in the whole wide world,
How would you like it if I stole your cogigtator?
And I gave it to an Eldar in exchange for spirit stones?
Please don’t tread on my stormbolter,
He’s my only friend in the whole wide world,
Please don’t tread on my stormbolter,
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha,
Ha! ha! ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha,
Ha! ha! ha ha ha!
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA,
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh,
Good!
Introducing Corvus Jyones
I’ve recently – for my sins – become involved with a play-by-post role playing game on one of the forums I frequent. It’s a science fiction game and we had to write a passage to introduce our characters. This is mine, introducing Corvus Jyones, maverick engineer…
(Note: Contains adult language)
Corvus Jyones, recently engaged engineer of the freighter Gaunt’s Promise was finalising the post-touchdown system checks when the Captain entered the engine room.
“Corvus, have you got a minute?”
“Sure thing Cap!” Corvus sharply saluted and put down his clipboard.
The Captain awkwardly returned the salute “Look, there’s no easy way to say this. You’re a great engineer and you’ve kept the ship running like a dream, but the crew have had a meeting, and they’ve decided – well – they’ve decided that they don’t want you on the next trip. Or any trip, actually.”
“You’re firing me?”
“I’m sorry Corvus”
Jyones turned away. He picked up his clipboard, then put it back down. He picked it up again, turned it around a few times, and put it down again. He picked it up and turned back to the Captain.
“Is it the razor thing?”
“Partially…”
“I told him, don’t use it for more than two minutes straight or it’ll overheat”
“It exploded!”
“Technically they’re the same same thing…”
“It’s also the food”
“I needed parts to fix the razor”
“And they had to come from the refrigeration system?”
“Hey, who’s the engineer here? I made sure there were plenty of non-perishables…”
“Doctor Goodhealth’s Complete Nutrition Paste?”
“Nothing wrong with nutrition paste! It’s nutritious! And delicious!”
“The crew beg to differ. Look, just leave without a fuss, please?”
“At least let me get my stuff”
“Your boiler suits? They’re out on the tarmac.”
“What? How you can you treat them like that? The boiler suit is pinnacle of human sartorial development!”
“So you keep insisting…”
“So, that’s it? Six months of loyal service and all because of one minor, disfiguring explosion I’m cast adrift into an uncaring galaxy without so much as a penny to my name?”
“You were paid yesterday”
“And how do you know I haven’t spent it all on comic slates and moon pies?”
“You haven’t been off the ship yet!”
“I could have been. You don’t know everything I do!”
The Captain sighed heavily and buried his face in his hands,
“Corvus…”
“Can I at least say goodbye to the crew?”
“They’ve already said all they want to say”
“When?”
“All over your boiler suits”
“Fuckers”
“Just, go. Please.”
Corvus set down the clipboard.
“All right, if that’s the way it’s got to be. But I’m not going to go quietly!” He lunged for the nearby intercom panel, mashing the ‘All Channels’ button with his fist.
“I’M A FARMER DADDY!! I’M A FARMER!! DADDY, I’M A FARMER!!”
“GIVE ME THAT YOU INSANE BASTARD!”
“I’M A FARMER!! I’M A- GET OFF! GET! Oh fuck it, have it your way…”
Five minutes later Corvus Jyones stood alone on the spaceport tarmac – except for a pile of soiled boiler suits. The lights of the colony beckoned, promising excitement, adventure and (hopefully) dry cleaning.
You could turn up and ambush me I suppose. Please don’t 😀
Catching up with the guys this weekend at that Brazilian barbeque place. Naturally I could not send out the details in any normal fashion, no…
REJOICE AND BE GLAD ALL YE PEOPLES OF THE MEATOSPHERE!
FOR THE DATE AND TIME ARE SET FOR THE FESTIVAL OF MEAT!
YE WHO EAT OF FLESH ARE SUMMONED TO A TABLE FOR FOUR
IN THE HOUSE OF LAPA IN THE GOODLY STEAD OF SUBIACO
ON THE DAY OF SATURN, TWENTY-EIGHTH DAY THIS APRIL
AT SEVEN AND ONE HALF OF THE EVENING CLOCK
MEAT SHALL BE EATEN, FLESH SHALL BE CONSUMED AND LAXATIVES SHALL BE REQUIRED!
FOR SUCH IS THE WILL OF THE GODS!
(OR AT LEAST THAT OF THE PEOPLE WHO MOST LIKE MEAT)
OM NOM NOM! SO SAY WE ALL, OM NOM NOM!
MEAT!!
😀
He didn’t have an ‘H’ on his forehead. Dead giveaway.
I’d just like to point out that while the technology used to resurrect Tupac Shakur at Coachella over the weekend is impressive, it’s not a bloody hologram!
The company that makes it can call it a hologram all they like, but that doesn’t make it one. The technology to create 3d images out of light simply doesn’t exist outside of sci-fi movies. Hell, it may not even be possible. The thing that was stalking around the stage with Snoop Dog and Dr Dre was simply an advanced version of Pepper’s Ghost.
Don’t believe the hype people.
All across the country from west to east,
People always ask me what I like to eat,
I don’t wanna brag, or be indiscrete,
I always tell them, I like meat…
YEAH MEAT!!!!!!!!
YEAH MEAT!!!!!!!!
I get up in the morning ’bout six am,
Get myself some bacon, get myself a pan,
Pick me out a rasher, put it on the griddle,
Turn up the dial till the fat starts to sizzle,
I cook meat…
YEAH MEAT!!!!!!!!
YEAH MEAT!!!!!!!!
When the first caveman got up on his feet,
Didn’t know what kind of things he could eat,
Must have been a genius, cause he got an idea,
Get a stick and a rock, fashion up a spear,
To hunt meat…
YEAH MEAT!!!!!!!!
YEAH MEAT!!!!!!!!
There’s no secret to carnivore perfection,
Go talk to your butcher and make a selection,
Roast it in the oven or fry it on the grill,
Or serve it on a spike like they do in Brazil ,
With their meat…
YEAH MEAT!!!!!!!!
YEAH MEAT!!!!!!!!
(The inevitable result of email discussions with the guys about planning a return visit to that Brazilian barbecue place. Puzzled? Click here…)
Great minds think alike…
So, last week the wreck of the Titanic received legal protection to prohibit people heading down and taking souvenirs. I learnt this fact from a couple of blithering fools on the radio who went on to speculate on how such a law could possibly be enforced – because, after all, what’s to stop anyone from putting on a SCUBA kit and taking a swim?
Among my dark mutterings about the lack of education concerning the depth of the oceans in general, the depth of the Titanic wreck site in particular and the limitations of SCUBA diving I wondered if Randal over at XKCD had ever done one of his famous charts about the matter. Not three days later, what appears on the XKCD site? This.
I’m now going to spend a fair bit of time wondering if Randal will post a comic explaining in precise detail how I get a date with Alisen Down. Hey, it’s gotta be worth a try! 🙂
Saw a sign for a building company today – Stonehenge Constructions.
So, they build everything out of rocks, keep changing the plans and take hundreds of years to finish the job?
😉
Just had an idea for a new White Wolf role playing game where you play an ordinary human in the World of Darkness setting – Mortal: The Screwed.
The players start by creating characters with skills, abilities, strengths, weaknesses, motivations and highly detailed histories. Once everyone has created their character, they roll 2d6 on the following table…
2 – You are killed by a Vampire. Roll up a new character.
3 – You are killed by a Werewolf. Roll up a new character.
4 – You are killed by a Promethean. Roll up a new character.
5 – You are killed by a Hunter, who mistakes you for a Vampire. Roll up a new character.
6 – You are killed by a Mage. Roll up a new character.
7 – You are killed by a Changeling. Roll up a new character.
8 – You are killed by a Mummy. Roll up a new character.
9 – You are killed by a Demon. Roll up a new character.
10 – You are killed by a Kuei-jin. Roll up a new character.
11- You are killed by a Wraith. Roll up a new character.
12 – You are hit by a truck. Roll up a new character.
Hours of fun for everyone! 😀
(Yes, I know you can play as a mortal in the New World of Darkness, but I’m a traditionalist! ;))
Vooks of vooks.net has a great idea.
Dick Smith Electronics are getting out of the games business (wait, hang-on, no they’re not apparently) and from Monday are selling off their remaining stock at ridiculous prices. Really ridiculous prices. Vooks suggests that if you’re taking advantage of their array of $1 and $5 games, buy a few extra and donate them to either Child’s Play, or to your local children’s hospital.
How about it folks?
