Funniest RPG Moment Ever! (A geeky interlude before we resume normal transmission)

Why arrows of slaying are generally a bad idea.

Many years back I was running a MERP (Middle Earth Role Playing) campaign for some friends. I’d run them through the ‘dungeon/castle hack in the Trollshaws’ adventure that came with the boxed set, and they were headed south to sell their loot in the great port of Tharbad. This necessitated a trek westwards to meet the South Road at Bree, and along the way they were joined by a friendly mage who (unknowst to them) was actually the owner of the castle they’d just trashed, fully bent on getting his revenge.

They spent an uneventful night at Bree and headed south through the Barrow Downs. Around midday a thick fog rolled in (I was taking my cues fairly heavily from The Lord of the Rings) and they lost the road, eventually finding themselves in an ancient and ominous stone circle on the downs. It was this moment that the mage revealed himself, turning on the party with a sneering “So you would despoil my castle, kill my servants and steal my posessions!?” and summoning a fell beast to fight for him. I was all set for an epic multi-round battle royale!

Amongst the treasure the party had looted from the castle was an arrow of fell beast slaying which I’d placed there just to give them a hand in this encounter (a fully grown fell beast being a bit tough for a party of their level). The best archer in the party – a half elf ranger – had taken possession of it and naturally enough announced his intention to fire it as his first action of the combat. I called for initiatives…

Now, MERP ran under a cut down version of the Rolemaster rules, which had extremely detailed and complex critical tables which you got to roll on if you rolled high enough on your to hit roll. An arrow of slaying didn’t give you an increased chance to hit – but if you did hit with it you got a free roll on the critical tables. Additionally the game had an open ended skill roll system where if you rolled above about 95 (the game used percentile dice) you got to roll again and add the result to your initial roll. Finally, the higher your to hit roll the more damage you’d inflict on your target.

So, the initiatives came in. The intrepid half-elf ranger with his arrow of slaying was the first to act. He notched the arrow, drew the bow and let fly, making his to hit roll. The roll? A natural 97.

A cheer went up around the table. He picked up the dice to roll again, although we all knew the fell beast (with two criticals – one from the roll and one from the arrow) was probably already doomed. He rolled. The dice bounced around the table and came to rest on… 95!

At this point everyone pretty much lost it. The poor, innocent fell beast was now looking at three criticals and a totally ridiculous amount of damage (total to hit roll = 192) with more to come. The player rolled again, and got 54, for a total to hit roll of 246 out of 100.

The fell beast fell down dead and the players fell around in hysterics. Just for form I let the player roll his three criticals and described the results, although “the arrow plunges into the fell beast’s eye and its entire body spontaneously dissolves into a fine pink mist” would have been far more accurate. The battle royale was half over in the first turn of the first round, and all the evil mage (the majority of his magic points spent summoning a white-elephant fell beast) could do was throw around a few minor spells before fleeing for his life.

Moral of the story – arrows of slaying are bad news! πŸ˜€

I’m not an Emo! I promise!

Hey, *I* think it sounds like Queen. OK?

Oh dear, I seem to have quite upset Helen with my opinions about My Chemical Romance’s Welcome to the Black Parade. So much so that she suggests I’m diseased πŸ˜€

Well I stand by my opinion. To Me it sounds like Queen. Even in the bit that Helen reckons sounds like Busted (whatever or whoever that may be πŸ™‚ something in the guitar work still sounds like Queen! Or at least I think so, other people with greater knowledge of Queen’s oeuvre (ie: Helen) are of course free to completely disagree. And I at least won’t suggest that they’re ill ;P

And it’s not like I’m going to turn into a MCR fan. I did go out and buy the single the other day (Uh, let me clarify on that – I went out to buy some other stuff at a CD store and picked up the single as well, I didn’t go running down there howling out my love for Gerard Way – whose name I only know because I just looked it up on Wikipedia by the way – and beating on the doors until they let me in or anything) but of the three songs on it the only one worth listening to is Welcome – the others are awful, and that includes a live performace of Welcome. So my appreciation of the song can safely be classed as an abberation, and I’m in no danger of going Emo any time soon πŸ™‚

(That reminds me of a comment I read the other day on the Zompist Bulletin Board about how to tell Goths from Emos. Goths mosh, Emos don’t. Apparently this is because Emos can’t bear the thought of anyone hurting them except for themselves! Ouch! πŸ™‚

Anyway some other things that happened this week include the final episode of The Glass House on Wednesday. This was a brilliantly entertaining satirical news/chat show that the ABC axed on instructions from the Government because it was rating too highly. The Wikipedia article gives a good run down of what made the show so great and how it came to be axed, so I won’t carry on about it except to say that the axing sucks, and where I’m going to go for my weekly dose of Corinne Grant now? πŸ™

I also finally got around to launching the totally revised Purple WyrmPosted on Categories Old and UncategorisedLeave a comment on I’m not an Emo! I promise!

Queemo! (Queen + Emo)

Emos and nuclear reactors and card games oh my!

The other week (I’ve been meaning to write about this for ages actually) I turned on the radio to hear some band doing a Queen cover. Now I’m no Queen expert but I know most of their most popular stuff – despite this I couldn’t place this one even though it sounded insanely familiar. Once it was over I got online and headed over to Google where with some judicious searching I was able to discover that it’s not a Queen song at all. It’s actually the title track of (of all people) My Chemical Romance’s new album Welcome to the Black Parade!

Now, no matter how much the emos may protest, it’s quite clearly a Queen song. Or more accurately the best bits from a number of really good Queen songs chopped up and thrown into a blender. There’s a slow, whistful start ala Bohemian Rhapsody which dissolves into Brian May guitar work which then turns into… well I can’t quite remember which Queen song it is, but it’s definitely a Queen song. In fact the only bit that doesn’t seem to have been ripped wholesale from Queen is the “We’ll carry on! We’ll carry o-o-onnn!” bit in the chorus. If it didn’t all sound so fantastic Freddy Mercury would be rolling in his grave.

And that’s the thing. It may be plagiarism, but it’s damn good plagiarism. And not all of that can be attributed to the fact that a good Queen song is hard to break. They’ve done a great job with it, and I’m probably going to pick up the single at some point (I don’t think I’ll buy the album, I’m not going to turn into a emo just yet thank you :).

So yes, on to politics.

There’s a lot of talk about nuclear power floating around at the moment. This is because the Prime Minister has finally woken up (prodded by figures showing the current drought is the worst in the country’s history) to the fact that climate change is a reality and (more importantly) could lose him votes if he continues to ignore it, which is pretty much what his government has been doing for the last 10 years. Rather than doing anything sensible about it however he’s decided to buy into the ‘nuclear power will save the world’ argument (which is hardly surprising as most of the rest of his policies come from the 1950s as well) and set up a heavily weighted committee to prove that ahem! consider whether nuclear power is the way forwards for Australia. They reported back this week saying that nuclear power is wonderful, radioactive waste is good for fluffy little kittens and the country needs to build 25 reactors as soon as possible. Big surprise there eh?

Anyway there’s a lot of debate going on which has produced some truly wonderful bits of spin doctoring and bald-faced denial of logic. My (somewhat paraphrased) favourites?

 
Journalist: Your report says the country needs 25 nuclear reactors, where would they be located?

Committee Member: We don’t need to know that.

Journalist: But you’re saying we need to build 25 reactors, surely we should have some idea where to put them?

Committee Member: Once the debate on building them has been settled we can decide where to put them. It’s foolish to say where they’ll be located until the debate is over and the decision to build them has been made.
 

 
Kerry O’Brian (of the 7:30 Report): Isn’t it true to say that no-one in the world has yet managed to build a secure nuclear waste dump, and as a consequence 40 years of nuclear waste is sitting around with nowhere to keep it?

Government Minister: All that proves Kerry is that you don’t need to worry about storing the waste for 40 years after you start the reactors.
 

Don’t you just love it? (irony)

On the subject of locating the reactors I’m pretty certain I know where they’d put one here in Perth (God forbid). There are two requirements for a nuclear power station, it has to be close to the grid, and it needs coolant water. With the current drought and looming climate change the only reliable source of coolant is the ocean, so the reactor would have to be on the coast. That gives three logical locations.

  1. Kwinana. Kwinana is the major coastal industrial area just south of the city. There are already plenty of refineries and factories and things down there, and the government’s building it’s much vaunted desalination plant down that way – a nuclear power station would fit right in.
  2. Bunbury. Bunbury is the next major city down the coast (unless you count Mandurah which is basically just part of the urban sprawl nowdays). The advantage of placing a reactor there is that it’s the closest bit of coast to the Collie coalfield, which is where the city’s power stations are now. All the infrastructure for running power up to the city is already in place at Collie, you could run a line in from Bunbury quickly, cheaply and with minimal disruption.
  3. Swanbourne. There are large chunks of land in the coastal suburb of Swanbourne that are owned by the Federal government (which is why the nude beach is there – State laws prohibit public nudity but only Federal law applies to that bit of coast). The State government is strongly anti-nuclear so the Federal government could conceivably bypass them completely and build a reactor at Swanbourne, probably on the old firing range just off the nude beach.

In any case if they build a nuclear power station in Perth – anywhere in Perth – I’m moving to New Zealand.

So, I’ve been up to a few things lately (apart from deconstructing emo music and speculating on nuclear power sites). I had a very enjoyable night out with Rebecca and Dom a few weeks back. It started out as after work drinks in the city and stretched out into dinner at a Thai restaurant. I have to admit I’m not a big fan of Thai (some of the spices disagree with me and I don’t like coconut milk) but it was a good night nonetheless. We also discovered a great little cafe in West Perth (on King Street, just off Murray) which we’ve decided to make out city regular. The food is excellent, the prices reasonable (they seem a little high until you get your meal and realise it’s huge) and there’s all sorts of horrible art on the walls to criticise – so all the entertainment bases are covered.

I went back on Monday for lunch with Katie (we hadn’t caught up for a while and both had the day off). Then we spent about half an hour wandering around the city trying to find the building she had to go to for a job interview later in the week. We found it, but it seemed to be completely locked up. There was a piece of paper taped to the inside of the door saying something-or-other-company had moved, and giving their new address – we presumed it was the correct company πŸ™‚

Then we went to her new flat so I could have a look at it (never having been there before). It’s actually really nice (with the exception of some paint issues in the bathroom) and it’s in a quite classy area of Mount Lawley. Ironically it’s also just over the railway line from where I used to live, which doesn’t sound terribly ironic I suppose until you realise that I moved from Mount Lawley to Bayswater and ended up only a few streets away from her, and then she moved from Bayswater to Mount Lawley and ended up only a few streets from where I was – see? Ironic! πŸ™‚

Most of the rest of my time lately has been spent creating a Firefly based card game I’m calling Plyin’ the Black. The idea for it came to me a few weeks back when an package of Firefly related shirts I’d ordered from Cafe Press arrived, and I went on to spend most of the weekend playing Munchkin with Ryan and Fabian. I woke up the following Tuesday morning with the basic game mechanics fully formed in my head (this being the kind of thing that happen to me on a disturbingly regular basis).

(On the subject of Cafe Press and Firefly I seem to have got my order in just before Universal set their legal hounds onto 11th Hour. I could well be the last person on Earth to get a hold of her wonderful ‘Crisis/Never’ shirt).

Anyway much of my time since then has been spent writing up the rules and making the cards so we can test it out. If it works (which it should do, with some tweaking) I’ll probably do it up as a PDF and stick it up on Wyrmworld for the general enjoyment of all Browncoats. I wouldn’t charge for it, Universal would probably send me a bill for $8000 US Dollars or something if I tried.

The most interesting thing about getting the game together though is that I’ve been writing the rules in as good a Firefly accent as I can, which is having some weird effects on my brain. I find myself thinking in Fireflyese, which makes it difficult not to talk in Fireflyese, which I don’t think would go down too well. It’s affectin’ my writin’ as well, as you can no doubt clearly see now’s I’ve quit tryin’ to hold onto it. It do have a certain panache and charm to it I’ll freely admit but you don’t wanna go round talkin’ to folk like a refugee from a western film ‘less they’re like to recognise where you’re comin’ from – which they ain’t, even with the assistance of a fancy looking Firefly decoratin’ your shirt.

Right, enough of that I think πŸ™‚

Anyway I’ve got to get to some serious cleanin’ (damn! you see what I mean?!) I’ve got to spend some time cleaning up the apartment today so I’d best (dagnabit!) I’d better quit, STOP, I’d better STOP writing now and do it (before I drive myself nuts trying not to type in Fireflyese :).

In Soviet Russia, Disco Dances YOU!!

For many years now (mostly thanks to listenin to RTR FM in the early 90’s) I’ve been vaguely aware o…

For many years now (mostly thanks to listening to RTR FM in the early 90’s) I’ve been vaguely aware of a band called Genghis Khan. I figured (based on the accents in the few songs of their’s that I’d heard) that they were German, and I knew that they’d done covers of both that old Moscow! Moscow! song and Europe’s The Final Countdown. Today, after not thinking about them at all for ages I woke up with Moscow! Moscow! in my head and decided out of idle curiosity to see what I could find out about them online.

Well.

Turns out that my ear for accents was correct – they were German. But on just about every other point I was completely wrong. They weren’t Genghis Khan, they were Dschinghis Khan (which is admittedly German for Genghis Khan, but we should still strive for linguistic accuracy). And far from being a late 80’s, slightly industrial group doing ironic covers of 80’s hits (as I somehow managed to conclude) they were a full on, silk wearing, late 70’s/early 80’s disco group who competed in Eurovision! And they didn’t cover Moskau, they wrote it!

They’ve also been a bit of an internet meme lately that I’ve somehow managed to completely miss – unless psychically tunning into it during my sleep counts – so talking about them on my blog like this is no doubt so yesterday, but I don’t care, because they rock! (In a severely campy and naff seventies disco way, naturally πŸ™‚

You can witness the wonder that is Dschinghis Khan thanks to YouTube which has videos of two of their biggest hits…

Dschinghis Khan
Moskau

Moskau is definately the better song of the two (although Dschinghis is not without its charms). Things to watch out for in the clip include the Genghis character nochalanty wandering off stage to prepare for his rather unimpressive re-entrance later on (0:53), crazy seventies moustache action! (1:04 to 1:20), Henriette Heichel’s (the one in red) startling resemblance to a heavily made up Allison Mack (particularly apparent at 1:23) and the insane pseudo-cossack dancing thoughout. It’s fantastic! πŸ˜€

I haven’t updated in a loooooong while I know. I’ve got a fair bit of stuff backed up to write about and I’ll try and cover it over the next week, I’ve just been really busy and really tired (and have an infected spliter wound in the ball of my right foot making walking rather painful – you really wanted to know that didn’t you?). So expect some less disco influenced posts soon πŸ™‚

Hi! Hi! Hi! Moskau! Moskau!…

PS: I just remembered, Allison Mack was born in Germany in the early 80’s. Freaky coincidence or what!? πŸ™‚

From the Beat Poetry as Communications Department

Hi pls look at background at to – it has a BLOCK AFFECT IN THE IMAGE!!! What!?

The complete text (or more accurately subject line, since the client in question is yet to realise that you can type in the “big text area” as well as the “little text area”) of a support email I received from a client today…

Hi pls look at background at to – it has a BLOCK AFFECT IN THE IMAGE!!!

I was tempted to email back something along the lines of “I’m sorry, it’s company policy to only accept emails written in English”, or even “What the hell are you talking about!?” but I bit my tongue and sent a polite request for clarification.

I honestly think some of our clients are using random text generators to compose their emails to us. How else can you explain the fact that they can be perfectly articulate on the phone while their emails resemble second rate beat poetry?

Rather tired and depressed at the moment, which is why there haven’t been many updates lately. Basically just a combination of work stress, health issues (nothing serious it turns out, but very worrying there for a while) and the need to get my tax done ASAP. I’ll pull through it in a few weeks. Probably.

*sigh*

The CPAP Blues

Continuous Negative Air Pressure

I’m doing a CPAP trial at the moment for my sleep apnea. It’s not going very well, which is why I’ve been fairly silent recently. The theory is you wear a mask while you sleep that blows pressurised air into your throat, holding it open so you can breath. That’s the theory. In my case it seems to involve wearing a mask so uncomfortable that I can’t sleep, which blows pressurised air into my throat so I can’t breath out. As a result I’m not getting much sleep, and not up to doing much except the basics (work, eating, trying to sleep etc).

I think I may have to bite the bullet and lose weight. I was working along the lines of ‘get set up with CPAP, get some decent sleep, use the extra energy to exercise’, but it looks like I’ll just have to summon up the energy to exercise without the sleep. I’ve finally got a replacement inner tube for my bike, so I can start cycling again which should help, but it’s still not a pleasant prospect *sigh*.

Current mood – Well and truly fed up.

OMG! Ponies!

How fast can your horse walk?

You know, the Internet may be the greatest information resource ever constructed by the human species, but it could sure use some organisation. I spent a good two hours yesterday trying to find out how far an average person could travel in a day on foot and on horseback (why? you’re not cleared for that! πŸ˜‰

I found plenty of information about how villages in northern England are spaced based on how far a person could walk in a day, and how traffic in central London today is apparently slower than horses and carts in Victorian times, but precious little on the actual distances and speeds involved. I was at the point of tearing my hair out when Wikipedia (the font of all human knowledge πŸ˜‰ came to my partial rescue with articles on the various gaits of horses, and the Pony Express. Some more poking around on the subject of “walk” finally allowed me to come up with some semi-reliable figures which I shall present here to make life easier for anyone else seeking the same information

An average, healthy, human adult can walk or march at about 5km per hour, or 3.1 miles per hour. Running speed is around 13km per hour, or 8 miles per hour. A horse can comfortably trot at the same speed (13kmph/8mph) more or less indefinitely. A horse can gallop at about 40-50km per hour (25-30 miles per hour) but can only keep it up for about 15 minutes before having to stop and rest.

So if we assume that a day’s travel is seven hours, a person on foot can travel about 35km (22 miles) a day. On horseback they could travel about 90km (56 miles).

I suppose I should now prove my calculations by getting a map of northern England and checking if the villages are 22 miles apart. If they’re closer I’ll just have to blame lazy peasants. If they’re further I’ll pin it on long summer evenings πŸ˜€

(Oh, and for the record if you wanted to do it Pony Express style you could conceivably cover about 350km or 220 miles in a day – but you’d need 30 or so horses lined up across the landscape waiting for you and a very tough backside πŸ™‚

Are they still talking gospel to the people? If so, their voices must sound strange…

The Wyrmworld plan for large scale, distributed Civil Defence.

Jericho is turning out to be not bad at all. A bit overwrought at times, but all in all an enjoyable watch. The one weird thing though is as much as I enjoy watching it, it always leaves me feeling all wound up and anxious in the pit of my stomach.

I put this down to my being a child of the 80’s. Back then we were all living under the threat of the bomb. Every moment of every day we knew in the back of our minds that without warning some idiot in Washington or the Kremlin could hit the button and incinerate us all over some stupid point of political ideology. It was there all the time, much like the threat of terrorism today but worse because while a terrorist attack can kill hundreds, nuclear war would kill everyone. So I reckon Jericho freaks me out on some deep level because it’s the stuff of my generation’s childhood nightmares.

I’m still going to watch it though πŸ™‚

Next week is the fourth episode. The adds are terribly cryptic as usual, but I strongly suspect that a wave of desperate refugees from Denver is about to descend on the town, and drama shall ensue. This supposition has got me thinking about how a society could actually cope with people abandoning the big population centers and descending on small towns, and I’ve come up with some novel ideas that I shall now inflict on the world in general πŸ™‚

(On a side note we’re seeing each episode of Jericho only a few hours after it premieres in the States, which makes a fantastic change. The usual lag for American TV is six months to two years. I suspect someone in Hollywood has finally twigged that the best way to prevent torrent piracy isn’t legal action, it’s giving international audiences the ability to see the shows legally without having to wait for ‘ing months).

So, here’s my idea. You put legislation in place (in peacetime so people have the time to get used to it and make preparations) that in a time of emergency every settlement of more than 100 people is legally required to take in refugees equal to 5% of the population (you also provide government funding to help towns get the necessary facilities in place – extra hospital beds, emergency shelters and food supplies, etc). Jericho for example is a town of about 5000 people, so in an emergency it would be legally required to take in 250 refugees. Once those refugees have been taken in the settlement is perfectly within its rights to tell everyone else to move on, and can enforce that right by any means necessary.

Who gets accepted as a refugee is based on a priority system. The highest priority are the critically injured, the chronically ill, the elderly (let’s say over 65), and children under 16 and their parents/guardians. The first 250 (since we’re continuing to use Jericho as an example) of those people to turn up in town are taken in. The rest are given cursory medical treatment, some water, and told to keep on down the road to the next settlement.

To help the settlements taking in refugees cope, there would be a special provision for medical staff, military and emergency services personnel – 10% of the refugee intake can be allocated to these people at the town’s discretion. So Jericho could take 25 firefighters, cops or paramedics (if they’re available) in place of 25 higher priority refugees.

The diaspora from the city would spread out across the countryside with the weakest finding help and shelter almost immediately, and those able to go further going further. The majority of people would end up somewhere safe and have their needs met, and no settlement would be crushed under the pressure.

Now all of this probably sounds pretty harsh, but it’s meant to be. The situation portrayed in Jericho is harsh – a small town about to be swamped by thousands of desperate people seeking food, water, shelter and medical assistance. Incredibly hard decisions would have to be made and then enforced if anyone were to survive. The idea of the laws described above is to take those awful, inhuman decisions away from the townsfolk, give them a clear framework to work with, and provide the right to defend their home and themselves against the desperate hordes that would otherwise destroy them. It would also give the refugees a clear idea of what to expect, reducing some of the panic and violence that might otherwise ensue.

So yeah, that’s my plan for large scale, distributed Civil Defence. Not bad eh? ;D

I’m out of food, so I’m going to go shopping now.

PS: You may well be wondering what any of this has to do with “talking gospel”. Well, absolutely nothing! I just woke up with that phrase in my head the other morning and thought it was too good to waste. I have vague impression it’s got something to do with Al Jolson in minstrel makeup riding up and down a beach on a jet ski yelling at people, but any deeper significance is forever lost in the world of dreams πŸ™‚

PPS: What!? Wikipedia is down! But it’s the source of all human knowledge!! How can I be sure that my links about Al Jolson and racist entertainment practises of the early 20th century are correct?!?

Close Bitnami banner
Bitnami