It really can be a lot of fun to read through the personality disorders articles on Wikipedia.
For instance, I display enough of the symptoms of Schizoid Personality Disorder to make Sigmund Freud yell “Mein Gott!”. However many of these are accounted for by Aspergers Syndrome – which I have a formal diagnosis for – and the rest by Avoidant Personality Disorder, which I don’t have a diagnosis for but who are we kidding?
The root causes of these kind of things are not well defined. They’re sometimes linked to childhood neglect and abuse, but there’s none of that in my background. Much more likely is the general trauma of growing up autistic in a non-autistic world without knowing that you’re autistic and that’s the reason everything is so confusing and difficult – rather that you being a dysfunctional, worthless freak.
In any case I’m well into middle-age now, so I only have to put up with this stupidity for another 50 years or so before the sweet release of death – and with all the work I’ve put in living like this I can manage that with my eyes closed. Bring it on, universe! You ain’t broken me yet and I have no intention of letting you, you gigantic prick!
A random collection of song lyrics that I have got amusingly wrong over the years.
Song:Hounds of Love Artist: The Futureheads (covering Kate Bush) Misheard Line:I found a box powered by dogs Actual Lyric:I found a fox cornered by dogs Commentary: Sunderland accents, you know?
Song:Dancing in the Dark Artist: Bruce Springsteen Misheard Line:Here’s a joke, here’s some wine, and it’s on me Actual Lyric:There’s a joke here somewhere and it’s on me Commentary: I though the Boss was being a gracious host, offering his listeners entertainment and drinks at his own cost.
Song:Enter Sandman Artist: Metallica Misheard Line:It’s still light, enter night Actual Lyric:Exit light, enter night Commentary: Not particularly significant, but Fabes almost punched me when he heard me singing it.
Song:Twist in my Sobriety Artist: Tanita Tikaram Misheard Line:Look my eyes are just hollow grounds, look your love has drawn me from my hounds Actual Lyric:Look my eyes are just holograms, look your love has drawn red from my hands Commentary: Let’s face it, my version sounds much more mysterious and interesting.
Song:The Riddle Artist: Nik Kershaw Misheard Line:By a tree by a river there’s a hole in the ground, where an old man in shadow walks around and around, in his mind is a question in the veil of the night, for a strange kind of person there’s a wrong and a right, he will never, never change Actual Lyric:Near a tree by a river there’s a hole in the ground, where an old man of Aran goes around and around, and his mind is a beacon in the veil of the night, for a strange kind of fashion there’s a wrong and a right, he will never, never fight over you Commentary: In my defence Nik Kershaw himself describes the lyrics as “nonsense, rubbish, bollocks, the confused ramblings of an 80s popstar”
Song:Justified and Ancient (Stand by the JAMs) Artist: The KLF featuring Tammy Wynette Misheard Line:They’re justified and ancient, ancient and they’re justified, rocking to the rhythm in the ice cream van, got the plan and the key to enter enter Mu Mu, far from the trogs of the JAMS, on my way to Beebeezak, ’cause I know what time it is, treatin’ on the time, make a modern 99, loose style, meanwhile, own store militia while fishing in the rivers of life Actual Lyric: Justified and ancient, ancient and a-justified, rocking to the rhythm in their ice cream van, with the plan and the key to enter into Mu Mu, vibes from the tribes of the JAMS, I know where the beat is at, ’cause I know what time it is, bring home a dime, make mine a 99, new style, meanwhile, always on a mission while fishing in the rivers of life Commentary: With everything else going on in this track it’s a wonder I managed to get the words that close.
Song: Mowgli’s Road Artist: Marina and the Diamonds Misheard Line:Oh Lord now I can see, recovery will keep on chasing me Actual Lyric: Oh Lord now I can see, the cutlery will keep on chasing me Commentary: I thought this was a well crafted line about the never quite complete process of recovery from mental and emotional trauma, but instead it – and indeed the entire song – is gibberish about being chased by spoons (I suppose you could interpret it as a reference to heroin addiction if you really wanted to). Marina Diamandis has disowned her entire first album, including this song, but I’m still happy to crank it and howl along.
Song:Friday I’m in Love Artist: The Cure Misheard Line:Tuesday, Wednesday hard to tak(e) and Thursday watch the wars instead Actual Lyric:Tuesday, Wednesday heart attack and Thursday watch the walls instead Commentary: The gibberish filled bridge about watching people eat and spinning sheep I got 100% right though.
Song:Brown Eyed Girl Artist: Van Morrison Misheard Line:Gunned down the old man with a transistor radio Actual Lyric: Goin’ down the old mine with a transistor radio Commentary: I always thought this was a brilliant line on the rebelliousness of youth, the importance of music to the young and the liberation not just inherent to rock and roll but of the sudden ability to easily transport music brought about by the transistor revolution. Turns out Van Morrison simply ain’t that smart.
Today – Friday November 18th – is projected to be one of the coldest November days in Perth since records began with a predicted maximum of 16° C, and it is pouring with rain.
Guns n Roses are playing at Optus Stadium tonight.
The only logical conclusion is that Axl Rose has developed the ability to control the weather.
Gonna be partying with the agents, all night long…
One of my major personality defects is that I tend to get really excited about some random project or thing, expend a huge amount of time and effort on it, then get bored and/or excited about something else and drop the whole thing. As such my home and computer are littered with half completed projects and ideas, some of which might actually be really cool if I ever got around to finishing them.
Autism? Yes, why do ask? ADHD? Well I don’t have a formal diagnosis…
Anyway, when I actually do manage to complete something it is cause for at least a little celebration, and a posting of the results.
My obsession of late has been content for the Hellboy board game. I invested in the Kickstarter and have managed to acquire just about every expansion (I don’t have Drinking with Skeletons, Giant Robot Hellboy and Unexpected Plot Twist) including the most recent “Big Box of Doom” which I completely forgot I bought – its unexpected arrival being the catalyst for my current episode. The game contains plenty of content from the Hellboy universe, but there’s also a bunch of really cool stuff that isn’t included, either due to copyright tangles or simply because a game that included everything would take up a rather large room and be wildly unplayable.
“Wildly Uplayable” being my middle name I decided to rectify this by adding some of the cooler stuff that Mantic elected (or were forced) to leave out. And wonder of wonders I’ve actually finished some of it!
AGENT BEN DAIMIO
During the Kickstarter for the original game there were a lot of requests from the community to include ex-marine-with-a-dreadful-secret Ben Daimio (AKA Captain Zombie). To everyone’s disappointment Mantic made it quite clear that they couldn’t because they only had the rights to the Hellboy comic and not the spin-off BPRD in which he exclusively appears. Curiously the expansions have since included plenty of BPRD content, but Ben is still AWOL -possibly they haven’t been able to figure out a way to make him playable without being either useless or horribly overpowered.
Being unrestrained by issues of copyright or game balance I have attempted to correct this anomaly by making a playable version of Ben complete with starting items, a Deck of Doom card, and rules and cards for when his ‘little problem’ gets out of hand.
Click to download – but you knew that…
VAMPIRES!
Baron Konig. He’s a happy chappy! (Ask him about owls)
One of my favourite Hellboy series is 1947, which chronicles the early BPRD’s attempts to deal with a vampire by the name Baron Konig who didn’t take some of the Nazi’s more esoteric WWII experiments very well (to be fair, who would?). Naturally everything pretty quickly goes to hell and the consequences extend into the sequel series Vampire where things get even worse.
There are other vampires that show up in Hellboy, the most prominent being Vladimir Giurescu and his exploding horse (note: no matter how hard you hit them horses don’t usually explode). He’s in the game, but apart from that vampiric content is conspicuously lacking – a situation I feel it necessary to correct.
My Vampire kit adds three new Bosses, a new minion, a bunch of re-organised Boss Behaviour cards and a collection of vampire hunting equipment to give your agents a fighting chance against the undead.
Later: And now version 1.2 is up, which adds a new minion, renames a minion, adds a couple more unexpected threats and allows you to equip your agents with garlic – which I can’t believe I left out in version 1.1!
Click to download -if you dare!
TRACKERS
One of the few flaws of the game is the way it implements tracking of a number of agent statistics (another is the way they’ve implemented Roger – go get Saduhem’s Thematic Roger rebuild – you’ll thank me). To keep track of, say, Liz Sherman’s flame level you need to keep a tiny plastic cube precisely positioned on a half sized card – which on a table with models being moved and dice flying around is no mean feat. To fix this I’ve created a set of print’n’build tracker dials* which should make your games a lot less frustrating.
You know the ‘click to download’ drill by now. Also I’m only previewing one page for this one because they’re all pretty much the same
I have a number of other Hellboy projects on the boil, which I may or may not complete before I lose interest, so stay tuned!
BPRD Archives Box
And here we go with one of those projects, a print’n’build box for your B.P.R.D. Archives cards – assuming you have that add on, naturally. The design is blatantly ripped off from Matt “King Friday” Sturm’s case file envelopes – I really should give him a heads up.
As usual, click to download
Make Your Own Agent
And if you’re feeling inspired to make some content of your own I’ve prepared an SVG Agent template with icons and cards layouts and such. Enjoy!
*Not to be confused with print’n’build crocodiles, which are another thing entirely…
A straunge and terrible wunder wrought very late in the the parish church of Bongay, a tovvn of no great distance from the citie of Norwich…
For some reason my brain has decided that rewriting the Darkness’s Black Shuck to fit the tune of Bobby Picket’s The Monster Mash would be a good thing to do.
It may be appropriate for Halloween, but I am still sorry…
BLACK SHUCK – BOBBY PICKETT AND THE CRYPT KICKERS
In fifteen seven seven, a town in the east, Was visited upon by a most curious beast, And his eyes numbered one, and shone like the sun, And promised the loss of a cherished one!
It was the Shuck! It was the dog Black Shuck! It was the Shuck! An omen of bad luck! It was the Shuck! That dog don’t give a fuck! It was the Shuck! It was the dog Black Shuck!
Flames engulfed the sacred spire, As the last line of defence was engulfed in fire, A flaming priest stepped in the firing line, Of a beam of despair – god, he took his own life!
He saw the Shuck! It was the dog Black Shuck! It was the Shuck! An omen of bad luck! It was the Shuck! That dog don’t give a fuck! It was the Shuck! It was the dog Black Shuck!
All through the church in the midst of its fire, The blazing hound chased, from the nave to the quire, On the left and the right, many folk he slew, Then with his evil work done, out the door he flew!
It was the Shuck! It was the dog Black Shuck! It was the Shuck! An omen of bad luck! It was the Shuck! That dog don’t give a fuck! It was the Shuck! It was the dog Black Shuck!
A nimbus of light surrounds one crimson paw, As he takes another swipe, at the old church door, The people of Blytheburgh, yes they rued that day, But he also made a side trip to Bungay!
It was the Shuck! It was the dog Black Shuck! It was the Shuck! An omen of bad luck! It was the Shuck! That dog don’t give a fuck! It was the Shuck! It was the dog Black Shuck!
It’s a clear black night, a place remote, Robert Stack is on the corner in a pale trench-coat, Got the mystery cases that remain unsolved, Robert Stack is gonna lay out some trails gone cold,
He’s got all the reports, tracked the witness down, Who didn’t think that it could happen in their own hometown, He’s droppin’ all the facts ’cause it’s not too late, For Robert Stack and Unsolved Mysteries to investigate…
