Author: Purple Wyrm

Lesser Known British Crime Solvers

Inspector Borse: Only solves murders in European stock exchanges.

Inspector Corse: The mouth on that man!

Inspector Force: Surprisingly gentle.

Inspector Gorse: Spends most of his time tramping around the moors.

Inspector Horse: The result of some misfiled paperwork at the Police mounted division.

Inspector Norse: Depressed, brooding and fond of drinking mead from a horn.

Inspector Sorce: Has a side job as a Sous-Chef

Inspector Worse: Ask for anyone else. Seriously.

Inspector Semaphore: We don’t talk about him.

Thursday, Down at the Four Points

Presenter: Has anyone heard of dopamine? Yes? A few of you. Dopamine is the pleasure chemical, and the thing about SMS messages is that every time you get one it gives you a little hit of dopamine!

Me, autistic and flooded with cortisol at even the THOUGHT of getting an SMS: Ok…

Presenter: So here’s what happens when you fill out a restaurant reservation using our AI system *fills out form*

SMS: Hi Presenter! Thanks for your reservation! We’re looking forwards to seeing you at 6:00 on Thursday. While we talking, would you like us to have a drink waiting for you when you arrive?

Presenter: So you see, you instantly get a response, and that generates that vital hit of dopamine which immediately begins building engagement!

Me: I just want my booking confirmed…?

Presenter: *types* That sounds great. Can I get a glass of Chianti?

SMS: No problem! A glass of Chianti will be waiting for you. Or if you prefer we can reserve the entire bottle for only $12. Would you also like an appetiser? You can view our appetiser menu at *link*.

Presenter: So you see with every interaction you’re generating more dopamine and making a connection with the customer.

Me: This is a nightmare.

Presenter: *types* I’d like some oysters and a garlic bread. Also, one of my friends is gluten free, what do you have for them?

SMS: We’ll have some oysters and garlic bread ready when you arrive! Our menu has a selection of gluten free dishes, have a look at it here *link*. Or our chef can prepare something specially, like a selection of braised vegetables. How does that sound?

Presenter: Now our aim is to get at least seven interactions via SMS, because our research shows that when you get to seven interactions the customer is fully engaged with your product.

Me: If I got seven SMSs from a restaurant I would die. I would literally die.

Presenter: *types* That’s wonderful. Thank you very much!

SMS: No need for thanks, we just want to make sure we give you the best dining experience possible! Would you prefer to be seated indoors or in our al fresco section?

Me: JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

Sunday

I was in the mood for a quiet pub lunch yesterday. Unfortunately I’d forgotten it was Grand Final day. Suffice to say I did not get my quiet pub lunch.

Rather than try my luck today I switched on the TV around noon and stumbled over Superman IV: The Quest for Peace. I remembered this as being legendarily awful so naturally decided to watch.

I was actually pleasantly surprised. It’s an 80s superhero film so it’s cheesy as hell, but it was actually very entertaining. What I did notice though is that it went completely to hell in the last 20 minutes. Nuclear Man sees Mariel Hemingway on the front page of the Daily Planet, heads downtown, is confronted by Superman – who somehow seems to know why he’s there – kidnaps Mariel (who can apparently breathe in space?), has a fight with Superman, Superman wins, movie over. It’s like there were a bunch of scenes missing – although given the movie’s perilous budget they were probably never shot in the first place.

Also on the subject of questionable 80’s movies I found myself sitting at a bus stop on Friday evening thinking about how much better *Ghostbusters II* could have been. I’ll see about writing my ideas up later this week.

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