What do you think about dropshipping?
The most efficient way to get boots on the ground from orbit.
You get to choose a supernatural creature or animal from a myth and it now exists in reality. Which one would you choose?
TSUCHINOKO REAL!!
How would you catch a Tsuchinoko?
Don’t catch the tsuchinoko! He need to rest!
What’s the meaning of ‘LDR’?
Shorthand for the Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Robloxers.
What’s the best dog breed?
The common or garden Dachshund.
What can you add to Monopoly to make it more interesting?
Knife fighting!
To all the Disneyland freaks out there, why do you love Disneyland so much?
The leyline nexus under the carousel.
If magic was real, what spell would you try to learn first?
Accio BUM
What fictional food item would you definitely want to eat?
Grain-fed Pikachu steaks.
What would you do if you were a ghost?
Float around the White House, playing with Donald’s hair.
What state do you live in?
Constant terror.
If Jesus was a last minute candidate to be nominated for the Presidential election this year, what kind of ‘dirt’ would the two parties dig up and spread to stop him from winning?
He murdered two children, struck their parents blind and released dangerous predatory animals into an urban area! (The Infancy Gospel of Thomas is wild).
If Trump could push a button that would kill 500,000 Americans but would secure victory in the next election for himself, what do you think he would do?
Push it repeatedly, just to be sure.
Why do you post nudes online?
When I posted them on my mail box the police came around and had a long talk to me 🙁
What is your take on the end of the world tomorrow? Do you believe it? Is it just a wierd coincidence?
If the world actually ends tomorrow I’ll give you a dollar.
Imagine archeologists finding a perfect duplicate of the Lincoln Memorial in Australia dating 2000 years old. What would the reaction be?
I imagine Rio Tinto would be falling over themselves to blow it up.
For non-UK people: what do you think “fairy liquid” might be?
A substance used to preserve plastic bottles until they are required for Blue Peter craft sessions.
What we can do to grow tall after 18?
Develop a pituitary tumor
How did you lose your virginity?
It fell down the back of the sofa.
How would you react to waking up and seeing an old skeleton in your room?
I’d wonder what it did with all the young skeletons that should be there.
People who have slept in parks, what advice would you give to survive the night?
Wear something orange to avoid predation by the mole men.
What would be the difference between selling your soul to the devil or selling to an angle?
Depends on the angle. Anything over 112° will rip you right off.
That’s bullshit! 146° is honest, it just gets so much undeserved prejudice!
That’s just Society for the Advancement of Obtuse Angles propaganda!
What is the correct plural form of Manbearpig?
Manbearswine.
What’s the best thing about Shub Niggurath cookies?
They’re R’lyeh good and come 1000 to the box!
Anything else?
They’ll get you grinning from Iä to Iä!
How mentally stable are you?
I’m crazy as a loon!
How do you feel about the 2012 end of the world date being recalculated to next week?
I for one welcome our bloodthirsty new Jaguar Gods!
What is Donald Trump’s weight?
It varies depending on how many immigrant babies he swallowed at lunch.
What part of your body would you cybernetically advance?
My throat, so I could sing like Bobby Darin!
What’s the easiest way to be famous?
Burn down some great public building.
What movie caught you off guard?
Young Frankenstein got into my blind spot, clubbed me over the head and stole my wallet 🙁
What if we all adapted the Finland education system?
Drinking heavily and knife fighting?
What’s the first thing you do when you get into your hotel room?
Roll to detect hidden panels and doors.
What is the most scary fact you know about religion?
It was once seriously suggested that the rings of Saturn were Jesus’s foreskin.
If you were a bag of drugs, where would you hide in your house?
Nice try, DEA!
Where do rental car companies find these things they call windshield wiper blades? Why do they install them on every vehicle? Do they pay extra for these things that smear water like oil slick across the window?
They’re actually a kind of Romanian pasta which can be imported by the mile for tax credits.
With malls closing and retails moving online, what are some positive ways society could use those giant empty buildings?
Hobo Battle Arenas!
What’s cracking today dudes?
The facade I use to conceal my inner turmoil.
Who owns the money in public fountains?
By ancient treaty all money deposited in wells or fountains belongs to the Mole Men.
What would happen to the world if money wasn’t our mode of currency?
You’d get five chickens to the sheep and like it!
What would happen, if Trump got a time travel machine?
He’d waddle over a butterfly and next thing we know the Earth would be ruled by molluscs.
Wouldn’t that be an improvement?
Over him, certainly.
Why has Tom Cruise stopped aging?
Back in 1990 he was selected as the Chosen One of Scientology and the Body-Thetan of L. Ron Hubbard was grafted onto his soul in a dark and powerful occult ritual held deep beneath Mann’s Chinese Theatre. As such he can not only stop ageing at will, but also holds the position of a Bishop within the Church of Mars which gives him the right to drive over intergalactic walruses with a steamroller.
When did it start being DM’s instead of PM’s?
When Boris put on his robe and wizard hat
Dancing is now illegal, how does society change as a result?
Kevin Bacon becomes the hero we both need and deserve
What do you think of Sardinia?
Not a big fan of the cheese
What makes the Pokémon franchise such a success?
Pikachu sex appeal!
How do you feel, the shop owners when protestants broke up your business?
I wasn’t aware we were suddenly in 16th century France.
A curse has made one of your parents switch bodies with someone you find extremely attractive you must have sex with one of them or they both die. Do you let them die or do you have sex with one and if so which one?
What a strange scenario.
What are your thoughts on “Stairway to Heaven” by Led Zeppelin?
The best song ever written on the subject of Satan’s toolshed.
Does it drive girls crazy that they don’t have dicks and why?
Sigmund? Is that you?
How do you eat Ice cream?
With enthusiasm!
What’s one food you wish didn’t exist and why?
London Flesh Pie. Hern meat should not be served in paste form!
What are cats doing when they stare blankly into the void?
They’re consulting the Akashic Records. Of course they never actually do anything with what they learn because that would take effort and they’re cats.
You now have your own personal Jesus, what do you make him do?
There are far too many fig trees around here…
My fellow Reptilians, what do you think about humans and their actions?
Their disgusting internal gestation process makes them far too attached to their offspring.
How do you talk to women that you want to have a relationship with without coming across as a simp?
Step one: Stop using terms like ‘simp’
If you found a death note, would you use it? And if so, how would you use it?
I would write “Christopher Walken” on it. Christopher Walken is immune to all death magic, and the resulting thaumaturgical feedback would destroy the death note for all time.
What do you think about Toronto?
I’m from Winnipeg you idiot!
What clothes do you own that make you feel unstoppable?
My top hat and cape. When people see that, they know I know what I’m doing!
How would you defeat Siren Head if you ever encountered him?
I’d just team up with him to release a mixtape
Do you find Mormons extremely attractive? Why?
Their teeth are so shiny!
What skeletons do you have in your closet?
I’ve got Ned Kelly’s skull around here somewhere
Why are you acting like this?
It’s in my nature.
Which voice actor looks exactly like character they play as?
Danny DeVito is in fact half man, half goat.
What would you want to see in the Percy Jackson remake?
Plot and characters that actually bear some resemblance to those in the Percy Jackson books.
What are teenagers of today missing out on that teenagers of the 1990’s didn’t?
Dwayne Wayne flip-up sunglasses
What’s it called when a man is attracted to lesbians?
Wishful thinking
People who use the Deep Web, why do you do it? Do you go for illegal activities or are there other benefits?
I go there for the Pink Rooms. They’re like Red Rooms, but they’re just full of hedgehogs and you can watch the hedgehogs and tell people to feed them when they look hungry.
People who put ketchup in water, why?
It’s cheaper than putting ketchup in mercury
What do you think The Matrix 4 will be like?
Unnecessary
Have you given praise to the Lizard King lately? Why or why not?
As a member of the Reformed Faith I offer praise to His Holiness incarnated in the form of Mr Mojo Risin’
What are your bad habits?
Well Frodo keeps breaking into the hole next door and stealing… Sorry, I misread…
What demons haunt your every waking moment?
Duke Saleos keeps sending me pictures of his crocodile. I’ve seen your damn crocodile Saleos!!!
What’s the standard price for a dwarf escort in your country?
Depends on the number of Dwarves and how heavily armed they are. A single beardling with a pickaxe will set you back 5 silver pieces a day. A team of five experienced tunnel fighters with steel link armour and double headed axes could cost as much as 150 gold pieces a day.
Unable to eat diarrhea?
I thought that was only a problem for parakeets?
What do you think is the hardest part of being a woman?
Giving’ all your love to just one man
What is your current view of the United States?
A fine country run by lunatics.
If you had the power to be invisible, what would you use your ability for?
Ruining Donald Trump’s sleep patterns.
What decade’s fashion aged the worst?
The 1660s were pretty rough
What do you think God thought when he was putting you together?
What he was going to do when he knocked off for the day.
How do you judge a person?
HARSHLY!
How do you kill a superhero for good, for real, without rebirths, etc?
Mess up their copyrights
What should a 20 year old do?
Get off my damn lawn!
What does the muffin man look like?
The Muffin Man is merely the three dimensional projection into our plane of a multidimensional horror, the true nature of which is incomprehensible to human minds. You may know the Muffin Man slightly – pray you never know him more.
If you were to invent a new genre of music, what would it be?
Not sure what to call it, but it would consist of the sound of heavy industry overlaid with deafening screams and Gregorian chants.
How do you get a baby to stop crying without a pacifier?
Whiskey!
Who will be the first man to climb Olympus Mons?
Abraham Lincoln already did it. That’s why they crowned him King of the Martians.
What are some types of things needed to be used to evaporate gravity in a multi variable sphere containing atmospheric stasis for habitable transportation to the next star and back faster than the speed of light?
A lot – and I mean A LOT – of weed.
If Natives can control animals and turn into them or whatever then how did we wipe them out so easy?
Old episodes of Super Friends are not actual history.
What is the scariest type of spider?
A sexy spider!
Why are you gay?
Because Seth Putnam told me I was.
Bob Marley shot the sheriff but who shot the deputy?
What if – and bear with me here – the Deputy shot himself!
Do you know how queen Elizabeth can live so long?
Spite. If she dies then Charles becomes King and she’s not about to let that happen.
Why is your mummy saxy?
I wish I knew. He keeps playing that thing 24/7, even when his bandages get caught in the keys.
What is your favorite type of pie?
The Jester’s Chicken Parmigiana pie was the greatest culinary achievement of our age, no matter what Justin McElroy may think!
You now have 2 fully functioning arms on your right side how does this effect your life?
GENESTEALER HYBRID COSPLAY!!!
How do you like your oatmeal?
Removed from my sight and thrown in the garbage where it belongs
You are the Japanese emperor. How do you save 2020 Olympics?
Summon Mecha-Godzilla! (The Japanese Emperor can do that, right?)
What prevents the U.S. government from abusing power or resources and becoming as corrupt as any dictatorship?
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!
What possession has been with you the longest?
Pazuzu has been hanging around in my brain for the last 28 years. I KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE PAZUZU!!
If you could be an unmatched master at one of these and an utter fool at the others when it comes to huggin’, snuggin’, tuggin’, suggin’, or fuggin’, which would you pick and why?
I’m not even sure I know what “snuggin'” is.
Who is the most evil human being to ever live?
Donald Peter Keelley of Unit 4, 168 South Street, Brighton, East Sussex, United Kingdom. Were the press not too terrified to publish news of his vile excesses the world would recoil in a state of horror never before imagined.
Why is there no theatre in America?
Thomas Jefferson hated actors after he lost half his slaves to one in a poker tournament, so slipped a clause into the Constitution outlawing all theatre. Everyone at the Continental Congress was too hungover to notice until it was too late, much to the annoyance of Abraham Baldwin who was planning to perform his own version of Hamlet as soon as he got back to Savannah (he claimed to have “improved upon the originale grately”).
What do you know more about than anyone else in the world?
Gerry, the bisexual gnome who lives in my garage.
