Thursday, Down at the Four Points

Presenter: Has anyone heard of dopamine? Yes? A few of you. Dopamine is the pleasure chemical, and the thing about SMS messages is that every time you get one it gives you a little hit of dopamine!

Me, autistic and flooded with cortisol at even the THOUGHT of getting an SMS: Ok…

Presenter: So here’s what happens when you fill out a restaurant reservation using our AI system *fills out form*

SMS: Hi Presenter! Thanks for your reservation! We’re looking forwards to seeing you at 6:00 on Thursday. While we talking, would you like us to have a drink waiting for you when you arrive?

Presenter: So you see, you instantly get a response, and that generates that vital hit of dopamine which immediately begins building engagement!

Me: I just want my booking confirmed…?

Presenter: *types* That sounds great. Can I get a glass of Chianti?

SMS: No problem! A glass of Chianti will be waiting for you. Or if you prefer we can reserve the entire bottle for only $12. Would you also like an appetiser? You can view our appetiser menu at *link*.

Presenter: So you see with every interaction you’re generating more dopamine and making a connection with the customer.

Me: This is a nightmare.

Presenter: *types* I’d like some oysters and a garlic bread. Also, one of my friends is gluten free, what do you have for them?

SMS: We’ll have some oysters and garlic bread ready when you arrive! Our menu has a selection of gluten free dishes, have a look at it here *link*. Or our chef can prepare something specially, like a selection of braised vegetables. How does that sound?

Presenter: Now our aim is to get at least seven interactions via SMS, because our research shows that when you get to seven interactions the customer is fully engaged with your product.

Me: If I got seven SMSs from a restaurant I would die. I would literally die.

Presenter: *types* That’s wonderful. Thank you very much!

SMS: No need for thanks, we just want to make sure we give you the best dining experience possible! Would you prefer to be seated indoors or in our al fresco section?

Me: JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!